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Original poster

Requesting a run at weekends

54 replies

MegMogandOg · 11/04/2022 07:23

I have two kids with SEN and parent alone all week because of my husbands long commute. For context one child is only at nursery for two hours in the morning and home with me the rest of the time . At weekends I ask to go for a run probably on one occasion and this rarely happens as I am usually unable to because of kids needs ans behaviours. My husband and I are on the brink of divorce and he told me this is one of this things he can’t stands he wants :

To not sleep alone ( he snores and I am constantly disturbed by kids and sleep deprived for 7 years also often upset by him so don’t want him next to me)

He showers in a cubicle ( the bathroom he uses is a shower room in which cubicles are commonplace) . I have never seen old him he can’t shower and elsewhere.

He thinks we should be together all the time when he is off work. My kids have high and complex needs and I need a breather at weekends and I also quite frankly need one from him too- is not this not normal.

Of course he has issues with many other things but I find it so unreasonable that he resents me having a run?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 11/04/2022 08:10

You need legal and professional advice. Are your children in any form of education? Do you have social services input?

oliviastwisted · 11/04/2022 08:13

Megmog as you clearly already know you got yourself a man child there who sees you as an extension of his mummy, there to meet his needs.

You were right to give it another try, you are right now in recognising he is not being a partner to you but rather a weight dragging you down. The question is how much longer do you want to put up with his behaviour. There are practical implications to finishing the relationship now but it does sound that ultimately you will be finishing the relationship. I think in your shoes it would be about getting a timescale that works best for you emotionally and practically and then I would check out of the marriage. He doesn’t sound like an agreeable person of a man who is open to change so I suspect it will be you leading all of this when the time comes.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 11/04/2022 08:16

As Nike says: just do it

Don't ask him if you can go, just tell him

If you make it a regular thing (every Saturday morning at 8, every Sunday evening at 7, for example) he'll get used to it

Just do it

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/04/2022 08:20

While he is on his walk, get yourself ready for the run. As soon as he walks through door, you go out. "How was your hour break? I'm off for mine now"

Nennypops · 11/04/2022 08:27

Do you get any help with the children from social services? If not, ask them to carry out a care assessment under the Children Act 1989 (they have to do one, they don't have a choice), and make sure you tell them how difficult the situation is and that the family is going to break up if you don't get help.

ilovechocolate07 · 11/04/2022 08:41

I feel for you OP. I used to be frazzled after a week with my children and they're not SEND. You need some you time! It sounds like your husband is contributing to your stresses. He is being selfish by going out on long walks but not seeing that you need some time away too. Guaraneed, if you swapped roles, he'd be the one needing more of a break due to mental load. Not that I'm implying that he doesn't work work hard. Just to add, sorry if someone else has said it, you may have a whole day/weekend/ever other weekend to yourself if you separated. I think you need to get your things together and just tell him 'I'm off out, be back in an hour'.

CatDogMonkeyPOW · 11/04/2022 08:45

So he gets to go out for a walk but doesn't want you to go for a run?

Tell him to fuck off. You're not getting anything out of this relationship. You deserve better.

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 11/04/2022 08:56

Yes we are in the uk. I pay the bills out of my account. I have a rental
Property so have that income. I am in a good place financially which I think he resents. However he only gives me a quarter of what he earns. Granted a large portion now goes on commuting which is my fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
MegMogandOg · 11/04/2022 08:59

A bit more than a quarter - he earns 5k and gives me 2k a month for household.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/04/2022 09:02

What does the 2k have to cover?

What does the remaining 3k cover?

Do you have a pension?

endofthelinefinally · 11/04/2022 09:03

You paid for the house. You pay the bills. He gives you a minimal contribution. You do all the care for the children.
You really do need to get legal advice.

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 11/04/2022 09:18

No pension but I have a rental income and a home with no mortgage so pretty good compared to many. I have had legal advice as was drawing up divorce petition but stoped because our very anxious autistic son was really struggling and I was finding it hard to send them to dads flat because they would be stuck inside all day as he said he foislnt taken them out alone and actually he couldn’t as both have very high needs. Of course the small flat was my fault because I hung on to my assets as they were not a product of marriage but inheritance so I felt I had a right to. Lawyer suggested a post nuptial agreement now he is in my home but he says it’s a waste of money and not legally binding. He hates that I own the house and its “ my house”. It’s the only security I have . My parents are very elderly and one had cancer. I have no other support. He also let me know constantly how miserable he was when separated. I could get a nanny yes but the only ones experienced enough to deal with my kids work in SEN schools and cannot help during the day. I have someone coming now one evening a week after Joni have paid out of my own pocket. Husband always complaining that we have no budget and need anything p do a budget but I rent having to reveal all my spending to him when I feel like he is not contributing as much as he might and relationship is not secure.

OP posts:
Original poster
MegMogandOg · 11/04/2022 09:18

Sorry I resent not rent.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 11/04/2022 09:30

I think that if you divorce him he will not bother to see the dc. He will do as little, or probably less than he does now.
You will be able to sort out better support without the stress he causes.

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 11/04/2022 09:47

As I have said before he dotes on the dc which is why I am so conflicted. He will want 50/50 which I know he won’t get but he will I’ll want them as much as possible. He loves them and has no other family himself. My son particularly will be devastated and he is very vulnerable so I was trying to avoid this but I can’t take anymore. He is always ranting at me about how we should just get a divorce but it’s just so upset me .

OP posts:
Original poster
MegMogandOg · 11/04/2022 12:13

It’s just to upset me.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 11/04/2022 23:46

Make sure younare protected financially. It sounds to me like he's going to claim the now family home is a martial asset that you can't keep out of the divorce.

Pixiedust1234 · 12/04/2022 00:00

Your son will be just as devastated when you have a breakdown due to lack of sleep and support. You can only look after your children properly if you take care of yourself too. Its time to kick him out and continue with the divorce. Your children will understand eventually. Keep strong Flowers

Watchkeys · 12/04/2022 01:30

Does he ask you before he goes out for his walks? If you said no, would he still go?

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 13/04/2022 22:05

I went to myMothers overnight because the washing machine had broken down and I absolutely rely on it due to an inordinate amount of washing relating to the kids needs. My son’s behaviour is relentlessly difficult and as my parents are elderly I am managing both children alone there in addition to trying to get all this laundry done. Everything is hard with my son- eating, talking , going anywhere it’s all very difficult and then my daughter is clingy and has huge Tantrums sue to a lack of understanding. We attract the atttnation of strangers when out because of socially difficult behaviours. It’s exhausting. When I got home today I noticed that he had tidied away the toys on the floor and I thought that it was nice that he’d done that. When he rang me in the afternoon my son was shouting at me and I was very harassed and short with husband and said I’d ring him later. When he came home this evening he was very edgy with me and asked me if I had noticed he had tutors away toys as he was obviously put out that I hadn’t mentioned it . He also added that he had replaced A battery on the tap . I told him that I had noticed and thanked him but reminded him that I do these sort of things constantly . He was obviously angry and then told me that he had had a nightmare of a day , said something about my not being nice when he rang me which I explained that I was harassed then started passive aggressively telling me all the details of this legal thing we are doing at the moment ( SEN stuff) the paperwork of which he is managing which he likes to tell me about in this urgent whenever he is upset with me. We the go to bed separately and upset. He says I am so against him but I dread his company at them moment as I’m clinging in by my fingernails at the end of each day due to my chiildren’s needs and the intense behaviours of one of them and then I have to brace myself for this sort of s every night. I am absolutely shutting down on him in every way and I feel like a shell with no empathy really for him which I find disturbing and I am usually I think the opposite.

OP posts:
KosherDill · 13/04/2022 22:10

He's useless. Wants a goddamned medal for putting away a few toys and changing the battery?

You would be far less stressed without him around but as others have said, seek legal advice to protect your financial interests.

What kind of tosser keeps 3K for himself every month?

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 13/04/2022 22:15

I think the money is used as he has a long commute which probably visits him a grand a month, he sends some money to family overseas who need it and then he does pay for some things like outings for the kids
On his card and additional bits and bobs of shopping all the time so
It does add up but nevertheless this is actually a couple of hundred less than I was getting from him when we were separated so add to that all the stress he is causing me and it seems pretty shitty.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 13/04/2022 22:17

Are you claiming dla? Make sure its in your name if its in his he can claim primary carer and its a ball ache to change

Original poster
MegMogandOg · 13/04/2022 22:20

The unarmedcat yes I get DLA and it’s in my name . Thanks for flagging it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MegMogandOg · 14/04/2022 12:11

Does anyone recognise this pattern?
I’m attempting to get on after previous row , trying to pacify and make things nice for children. Underneath I feel intolerant of him and upset. Eventually get frustrated. I shout about something, maybe under my breath maybe aloud. He storms out or we have a awful row and awful things are said. He berates and gesticulates and claims he’s not shouting and this is “Normal conversation “. At some point I shout back in frustration then I’m the one that’s shouting he claims.

Period follows where he acts like things are ok and he tries uncomfortable kisses on the lips or looks or embraces from behind. I feel shut down and wooden and ungiving. His anger builds - he at some point says it’s not working that we would divorce , I don’t love him etc lots of self pity. I am exhausted and feel no compassion for him but desperate not to be cornered into makng a decision when I’m so depleted. He does things like tidies something or fixes something he wouldn’t usually then is angry at not being praised. This makes me even more withdrawn. I am avoiding him as much as I can because I am so exhausted and stressed after a day with my children with my kids behaviours is that I actually don’t want to talk to him and have another conversation which ends with himasking me if I want him to just leave.

It would be easier if he were not a father who loved his children more than anything and is playful and interested and who wants more time I’m with them. It wound be easier if I felt he would have all the resources to take care of them on weekends but he doesn’t.

Also I do still love him in many ways even though he thinks I hate him - I just cannot sustain this level of stress and the discontent on his part with the resources I have for my marriage . I don’t think I will ever want to share my bed again. I don’t want sex much - once or twice a week is all i can be bothered with at best. I don't want to be together all the time whenever he’s off work- I wouldn’t want that with
Anyone?

OP posts: