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Original poster

I have a theory on what makes someone love you..

33 replies

namechangeranonymouse · 10/04/2022 20:11

So a close relative just worshipped the ground his beloved wife walked on, I mean almost literally. For 10 years he was everything she wanted. Devoted, gave her everything, never demanded anything of her, paid for everything, gave in and never challenged her. On the rare occasion he did she would sulk and he gave in almost immediately. She had all the power in the relationship, but he was so happy, she was so happy, they were happy together. Friends, relatives, all said so. Then she died and he was distraught, until he found out how she had financially ripped him off throughout the marriage. Its like Jekyll and Hyde.

I just didn't get it until I thought about my first marriage when I was the totally besotted fool for many years, and walked over repeatedly. My ex was very happy, me increasingly less so. When I stood up to him he showed his true colours.

So what makes someone love you is total surrender of your own needs, wants and wishes. Surely that can't be right?

OP posts:
Nnique · 10/04/2022 20:13

Well no...

You’ve had a sample of two. And not very healthy ones.

Sorry you were in such a shit relationship. But there are plenty of relationships that aren’t shit.

Dnadoon · 10/04/2022 20:15

No it's not right. A totally skewed perception IMO.
My theory is to love yourself first and foremost more than you love anyone else ( except your kids)

Rememberitwell · 10/04/2022 20:16

I thought you were going to say the complete opposite.

EmmaH2022 · 10/04/2022 20:16

I understand your main point but confused about the Jekyll and Hyde thing.

HariboBrenshnio · 10/04/2022 20:17

Both of those situations sound more like infatuation than genuine love.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 10/04/2022 20:19

I think this might be true for certain personality types but it's not the norm.

I wouldn't respect a partner who did everything I wanted so I wouldn't actually be in love with them, it's basically using someone.

I wouldn't want only my needs met although I am naturally empathetic and understand we are all different and equally important.

fitzbilly · 10/04/2022 20:22

You're completely wrong, and basing this on a sample of two.

I love my dh. But I also love myself and don't surrender my own needs wants or wishes for him. And I'm happy. And he loves me and doesn't surrender his own needs wants or wishes.

We just complement and enhance each others' lives. That is what love is. And it is conditional.

ItsPrettyObvious · 10/04/2022 20:25

I couldn't love, respect or see someone as an equal partner if he allowed me to walk all over him and I wouldn't treat someone like that anyway. That is not love.

Bagelsandbrie · 10/04/2022 20:25

Eh…??!

Errr no. Love is incredibly complex and I don’t think it’s the same for any two people actually.

SickAndTiredAgain · 10/04/2022 20:27

So what makes someone love you is total surrender of your own needs, wants and wishes.

Well, no. I love DH but he doesn’t surrender all his own needs, wants and wishes in favour of mine. And I wouldn’t want him to.

Onthedunes · 10/04/2022 20:28

But your example shows that the husband submitted and surrendered to his wife and she didn't actually love him as she ripped him off.

So wouldn't you say her being the one wearing the trousers was the one to recieve love.

So surendering doesnt make someone love you.

Original poster
namechangeranonymouse · 10/04/2022 20:35

@EmmaH2022

I understand your main point but confused about the Jekyll and Hyde thing.
She appeared to love him deeply. He felt it, other people saw it, everyone said what a lovely woman she was, but she completely shit on him financially.
OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeranonymouse · 10/04/2022 20:38

My title was completely tongue in cheek.

of course neither of these scenarios are real love. I have that now.

What I'm saying is to everyone including the two adored people, it felt like love. Even my brother thought it was love and has never been happier in his life for those 10 years. So he would say, what is love then?

mind you his bar was set very low because of a long term relationship with an abusive woman.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 10/04/2022 20:39

Well that’s not love is it.
Loving someone is accepting them as they are, ( which is distinct from accepting all their behaviour, because even good people are Dicks at times).

beastlyslumber · 10/04/2022 21:02

It's not love, it's limerance and codependency.

Echobelly · 10/04/2022 21:08

I think sometimes unfortunately people find each other where one thinks love is giving yourself up and the other person thinks love is the other person giving themselves up and it's unhealthy all round.

Feckaffoutofit · 10/04/2022 21:14

How did she rip him off? I don't really get how she could.

Original poster
namechangeranonymouse · 10/04/2022 21:47

@Echobelly

I think sometimes unfortunately people find each other where one thinks love is giving yourself up and the other person thinks love is the other person giving themselves up and it's unhealthy all round.
Yes, I think he did feel this is what would make her happy. I think some people do believe if your partner gives you everything, it is love. It's not of course, as DB has found out at last.
OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 10/04/2022 21:52

How did she rip him off? They were married and then she died so surely as her spouse he got the money she ‘took’ or do you mean she overspent?

MissTrip82 · 10/04/2022 21:56

I don’t think mature healthy people think that’s love. People with insight and life experience know the difference between love and obsession, and don’t want to be the one obsessed or the one obsessed over.

LemonDrizzles · 11/04/2022 05:55

Because media gives us an incorrect definition of what love looks like and when people see elements play out in front of them, they are comparing ebay they see to that falsehood.

Reality - love is balancing wants, needs
Reality - love is respect, appreciation - not stalking behaviour
Reality - love also takes other shapes in different pairings, groups

RedFlagsAllOver · 11/04/2022 07:00

There are some people out there who will happily use a person, latch on to them if they think they will benefit financially. Or want a roof over their head or something.
Some people aren't as switched on to it. They might think the person actually loves them, wants to be with them but really it's just the money or convenience.
I recently met a bloke and luckily I know his game and I'm not stupid...
I'm married but we are pretty much apart, we see other people etc it's confusing but is what it is.. I met this guy, we have only met a few times and I said in conversation stupidly that my dad had passed away and I'm in the middle of sorting out the estate, he now keeps asking questions, well won't your husband want half, what you gonna do with the money? I going to buy somewhere? We could move in together, ... yeah right. Some women if vulnerable might fall for that kind of shit and let a bloke like that worm his way in. If he said all the right things and love bombed his way in.. then basically take all her shit.
But I'm not stupid, and just enjoying the sex and know it will be no more than that. I've been love bombed before. He wasn't after anything financially just attention.

Original poster
namechangeranonymouse · 11/04/2022 09:01

The strange thing is if she hadn't died, he would still be deliriously happy with her, and I think she would have been happy too.

Maybe not real love, but two very happy people. Not just within the relationship but to outsiders looking on. People she confided in say she was so happy and always talking about him in loving terms. She was so nice to him, he was so generous to her. I simply don't understand it. So mutual happiness isn't love?

I think she had a strange ruthless streak when it came to money.

OP posts:
PriestessofPing · 11/04/2022 09:18

How did she rip him off though? How was she able to do that without him knowing?

If they were really happy together then maybe she was just shit with money and it wasn’t some sort of machiavellian evil plan?

In general though, I think everyone has different ideas of love and for some it’s surrendering themselves or falling over themselves to please someone else. I don’t consider that to be love myself, I see it as more of an equal, mutually supportive, honest interaction where there is give and take on both sides.

If you and your brother have both had long term relationships where you were besotted and sacrificed yourselves for other people maybe that says something about the ideas of love you developed in your family.

Wartywart · 11/04/2022 15:50

How exactly did she rip him off? Did she have savings that she didn't tell him about? Lots of women do this, even if deliriously happy - they call it an 'escape fund'. If it was that, then maybe she had just been burned before and while she did love your brother very much, she just had to have that safety net? Was it that maybe?