I have a theory on what makes someone love you..

[namechangeranonymouse]

So a close relative just worshipped the ground his beloved wife walked on, I mean almost literally. For 10 years he was everything she wanted. Devoted, gave her everything, never demanded anything of her, paid for everything, gave in and never challenged her. On the rare occasion he did she would sulk and he gave in almost immediately. She had all the power in the relationship, but he was so happy, she was so happy, they were happy together. Friends, relatives, all said so. Then she died and he was distraught, until he found out how she had financially ripped him off throughout the marriage. Its like Jekyll and Hyde.

I just didn't get it until I thought about my first marriage when I was the totally besotted fool for many years, and walked over repeatedly. My ex was very happy, me increasingly less so. When I stood up to him he showed his true colours.

So what makes someone love you is total surrender of your own needs, wants and wishes. Surely that can't be right?

I think it's kind of odd that he adored her, was devastated that she died and then suddenly decided she was the devil. How did she rip him off and how did he only find out after she died?

Often people think they are happy because they don't have another personal experience to compare it to. In your examples, the idea of happiness and love seems to stem from devotion, self-sacrifice, and a willingness to martyr self for others. There isn't equality or partnership or mutual respect.

Then something happens that pulls the blinders off and the person realizes that they weren't actually as happy or as in love as they had convinced themselves that they were. They start to feel the hurt of having given everything to get so little in return. They start to resent everything they sacrificed. They may start to develop self worth and realize that devotion and a lack of mutual respect is not a healthy relationship. Many people spend time 'happy' in dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships - not realizing for awhile how dysfunctional it is.

Sometimes people haven't grown up with good and healthy examples of what love or even happiness is. They think they are doing the right thing and that is love. It is complex.

That's not love! I've always adored maya angelous poem on love.

Love liberates

You can love and adore someone desperately but still be able to make mistakes in relation to that partner, intentionally or not so intentionally.

To be honest I wonder weather it would be worth the whole package of "falling in love" vs the reality of how majority of relationships turn out. (Mumsnet contributed to my clinical perspectives)

Other than parent to child love, people love those who meet their needs. Whether that's for like minded company, intimacy, support, or because they provide an outlet for the person to fulfil their need to be needed. Meeting someone's needs won't guarantee you are loved, but you have to meet them in order to be. Your relative had a need to worship and dote on someone for reasons to do with his own personality. His wife provided him with the means.

@5128gap

Other than parent to child love, people love those who meet their needs. Whether that's for like minded company, intimacy, support, or because they provide an outlet for the person to fulfil their need to be needed. Meeting someone's needs won't guarantee you are loved, but you have to meet them in order to be. Your relative had a need to worship and dote on someone for reasons to do with his own personality. His wife provided him with the means.

I think this is spot on. DB has a really close relationship with our late mother and was doted on by her and vice versa. All DB ever wanted was to devote himself to a woman and have her show him love. His late wife always wanted to be the boss in her relationships (she was married twice before) but only with DB was this possible.

So yes they both met the needs of the other and were consequently very happy. The DWs need to be in control of all the money as well as everything else, showed her ruthless streak when it came to finances, as DB has learned to his cost.

We generally see love to be what was demonstrated to us when we were kids, in our parents behaviour. We replicate either the way they treated each other, or the way they treated us. Monkey see, monkey do. It's why people who are raised badly have crap relationships. Their parents have showed them that being respectful and happy is a side issue: staying together is the important thing.