Taking it back to basics

[HopelesslyHopingForLove]

This is my first thing on here and I’m unsure how it all works so please bear with me.
My partner and I got together about 6 months ago, having known each other for 2 years prior. We work together and were literally best friends.
He instigated the first time we kissed, and it went very quickly from there.
He is separated, but very very recently, and has a 2 year old daughter who he is amazing with.
We moved in together so he didn’t have to be in the marital home, but also so he could have someone for his daughter to stay with him.
We didn’t think about the fact that I should be instantly around the child, because of how that would make the mum feel, and we messed up. She turned up at the house and took the child away, which almost killed him.
Since then, we have never been the same. He doesn’t blame me, he blames the fact he feels he can’t merge the 2 worlds together.
I started overcompensating because he backed away from me and I wanted him to know I was still here to support him, but it’s only pushed him away further.
We decided to have some space, so I’ve been staying away for the past week, in that time he has come to me and said he just doesn’t know how to get out of his head of how he feels at the minute, he doesn’t want to go back to the ex, but he doesn’t want to miss any part of his daughters life.
I said about us starting from scratch, rebuilding our foundations as a friendship, and he said if we find out way back to each other then we,now it’s meant to be.
We still talk a lot each day, and he has now started calling me more without me almost harassing for his attention. But he is staying up at the marital home because he says he can’t stay at our house because there are so many negative memories and his daughter can’t be there, and he wants to be with her.
I’ve sent him links to website about co parenting, which he seems open to reading, and mentioned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which I am embarking on from tomorrow.
Our connection is so strong it is undeniable, but how we got together was in a way where we felt we had to hide, and that it was taboo. I believe we deserve a second chance, but I need to let him know I am not chasing constantly and will not beg for his time. If he wants me there, he will need to find a way to have me in his life, I cannot let him hurt me again like this. I love him with everything I have in me, which neither of us have had before. We have both said we are so intense and our connection so deep it’s terrifying, but he needs to work on his stuff and everything that’s happened in the last 6 months.
I don’t have anywhere to vent, so I am sorry for this huge message! I do want us to work and I do want him to find his way back, but I also need to find a way to be strong. We lost ourselves because of all the negativity that surrounded us once he realised merging the 2 worlds wasn’t as easy as he thought. But one conversation we’ll have he’ll be open to talking to Ben about things and the next he gets angry or annoyed and it’s aimed at me. I’m the only one trying to help him because he won’t talk to anyone, so therefore I get the brunt of everything. I can’t let him go I can’t not keep holding on to fight for us, but I need some help on how to do it the right way and distractions so I don’t make myself go insane!!

Sorry! I should also have added.
The mum of his child isn’t being unreasonable, but because of what’s happened she doesn’t want me instantly around the child.
He is now terrified that the same situation or something similar will happen again, and therefore he isn’t prepared to have any kind of conversations to get anywhere forward with their new co parenting relationship. He is so scared of upsetting her because of the hurt he’s caused, and he said he doesn’t feel like he deserves to feel happy or do anything for himself because of the pain he’s caused. He left the marriage because he wanted to be happy, and now he isn’t, but can’t see how to navigate his way out of the bad thoughts in his head.

Oh please!

You are the OW. He left his partner for you, he discovered the grass wasn’t greener, so he has gone back to her, but is keeping you hanging on just in case she comes to her senses (I hope she does) and m boots him out for good, just so he’s got a nice warm he’s ready to hop back into.

Stop being such a fucking chump.

*nice warm bed

If he’s genuinely separated, can’t he rent somewhere and then you and he can see each other when his daughter is not around? It sounds like he might have gone back to his ex.

Yes it was a stupid idea for him to move straight in with you. He should have at least planned how it would work. Personally I would back off until things are settled and prepare yourself for it to end completely. Despite your connection his daughter is only 2 so there is a long road ahead and he sounds like, a very mixed up man.

This does sound very much like an affair, he moved in with you as his affair partner, realised the grass wasn’t greener and is now back with his wife while also holding the door open for you in case he changes his mind again.

At the very least it looks dodgy as fuck that he moved in with you so fast after splitting with her and after you clearly getting close at work.

This isn’t some grand love affair, it’s just, well, an affair from what you’ve said here.

Leave him be to figure out his marriage. If it’s really the end, as the poster above says he can get his own place and then think about dating - without shacking up with you 3 minutes after leaving and bringing his child into it.

@ZaraSizeMedium, 100% this.

Please listen up. He had a tiny baby when he started an emotional affair with you. I guess he felt unhappy because he wasn't getting attention at home. It made him unhappy...but he loved his wife enough in the past to marry and have a child. He just bailed when it got tough. That's shows his character.

Why on earth did you move out of your place to give him space???? He is extremely clever at getting what he wants isn't he.

The amazing connection is limerance or just plain lust. You truly cannot love someone until you know them and you don't know him, only what he choose to show or tell you.

Are you young?

This man has no boundaries and isn't a great dad. He has no respect for his daughter if he's had a fling with you and then moved in with you straight away. What's that saying about no one falling in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to live? Consider this a lucky escape after minimal damage. Raise your bar. His poor wife and Dd. What a git.

Oh please

You are the ow. What you had was an affair. Move on.

he is staying up at the marital home because he says he can’t stay at our house because there are so many negative memories and his daughter can’t be there, and he wants to be with her.
Bollocks. He is staying there because he wants to stay there.

Our connection is so strong it is undeniable
Come on. You met at work then he moved right in with you. It was hardly 'the labours of Hercules.'

Your language is so dramatic.
Find his way back.
Undeniable love.
Stay strong.
Almost killed him.
Backed away.
Rebuilding the foundations of our relationship.
You are making this into a romantic story when it's actually quite sordid and in reality he has gone back to his wife whilst getting angry and annoyed at you!

If you genuinely think he is the man for you then say to him 'Colin, come back in a year when you have sorted out your life with Lucy and the divorce is all done and dusted.'

Then, don't live with him for at least two years after that. That's not a healthy start to a relationship.

We haven’t had an affair they were already separated, they had conversations about being separate and sorting the finances out and the house ect. I heard that chats I saw the messages. They aren’t together.
The thing is I know how it looks, and I’m actually not an idiot, but I’m the only actually in this and I know the situation, I was just looking for some advice of just how to be, not a load of aggressive messages telling me I’m stupid.

Also I have had the conversation with him where I said if he thought he’d made a mistake and wanted to go back then to go, but he continuously said no and that it isn’t about the ex, it’s about his daughter.
I can’t not believe that, he cries every time he thinks about his daughter. He’s struggling because he feels he can’t have both worlds, he can’t have his daughter and be happy and move on from a marriage he doesn’t want to be in?

OP, they are back together. He is trying to spare your feelings keep you sweet in case he wants to have sex with you

Dump him and move on.

Also, stop minimising your own part in this. It's much quicker to type "his wife" than "the mum of his child".

Oh bless you, you naive thing…

Of course they weren’t separated, and of course you were just the OW

And they never leave their wife
So unless she kicks him out and ends it, he is back with her again and you are old news

So he moved out of his daughter's home to live with a complete stranger to her who he's having 'a relationship' with and didn't consider how this might impact her or her mum?

Oh OP, he's gone back to his wife, please be kind to yourself and block and move on.

This isn't going to be a great love story, he won't find his way back to you. What he will do is keep you hanging on until his wife kicks him out again. The messages on here haven't been kind but perhaps a realistic nudge that you need to move on.

It does sound like he DID have an emotional affair with you and things are very tough in the beginning of having a child and took solace in you. Reality has set in and he doesn't want to lose his family.

Regardless of who did what when, the main issue appears to be that he has nowhere to live that is suitable, so he's yo-yo'ing between living with you and his wife. Neither of these places is an adequate situation for him to be a parent.

He needs to sort out somewhere to live.

Leaving a marriage is messy and not the best foundation for starting a new relationship (especially where children are involved). It sounds like there may be too many problems.

Urgh I would leave him with you!. No one wants a man who thinks it's ok to come and go as he pleases after sleeping with another woman.

You saw what he wanted you to see not what was actually happening.

He needs a two-bedroom flat and some therapy before you go any further.

But he is staying up at the marital home because he says he can’t stay at our house because there are so many negative memories and his daughter can’t be there, and he wants to be with her

Your post should've been titled *desperate woman believes everything she's told'.

I'm sorry Op. He won't come back to you. He doesn't love you. He never did. He's not the knight in shining armour you believe he is. He is a user. A coward. He's keeping his options open incase it doesn't work out with the wife. If he wanted to be with you he would be, come what may. He hides behind his child as an excuse. Like I said a coward. I know you love him...I know, but if he was really the man for you, he would have chosen you. Cut all contact. Leave him be. He will try and come back again at some point in the future no doubt, and I hope by then you will have the strength to tell him to fuck off. Your in love with the idea of this relationship and how perfect this man is. But it's just an idea. A dream. What moves you forward is not distraction but progress. Learn something new. Move forward and never look back Op. Distraction is a short term fix so you don't have to think about him. But there will always come a point where your mind will snap back to him. Progress is small steps but ones that make a positive impact on your life. Don't wait for him- however much you believe he is worth it. He isn't. He's not a friend to you, nor is he the man you believe and so desperately want him to be. There's something better out there for you my lovely I promise you. Go and discover it xx 💐

So according to his wife, they are back together?

Op, ignore the rot. Some people on here love to think the worst and seem to know more about a situation they are told about, than the person telling it.

That said, you absolutely fucked up. You shouldn't be moving in after a 6 month relationship anyway, let alone with a child involved. That alone shows what appendage he was prioritising.

How to fix it? Time. He needs to djust to the fact he either fixes the relationship with the mother or he learns to Co parent. You are, with respect, low on the list. No you can either wait and give him space or move on. Depends how your ' connection' I guess, but if you want the relationship and for it to last you have to back off and let him decide what he wants. If you're waiting, I wouldn't be putting up with them sharing a house though. If they're seperate, they should seperate, houses n all. That will also give him the space to discover how his relationship willbe with his child as well,

I was just looking for some advice of just how to be, not a load of aggressive messages telling me I’m stupid.

Ok, well be independent. Be someone who doesn't start a relationship with someone until they are absolutely in a position to do so. He needs to get divorced and get somewhere to live on his own so he can see his dd. Then he can start going out with someone (you) when his dd is at her mothers.

In the meantime you can get on with whatever it is that you like doing until he is ready and you can start from there.

This isn't a time for you to be involved whilst he is dissolving his marriage and prioritising his dd. He needs to focus on that so that he can provide a secure home for his dd so she can feel settled and then he can have space for you.

The best thing you can do to help the relationship between you and him is to step back completely to give him the time to sort this out.