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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Work colleague and me

30 replies

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 08:08

I work part time in a managerial position and have been getting to know a chef I work with over the last few months. I like him and yesterday he said he would like my number but I'm unsure if it's ok to pursue it. He's single and so am I but I don't know wether it's 1 allowed and 2 whether it will make things awkward

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2022 08:10

Don't date someone you work with.

Original poster

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 08:10

That's what I was thinking

OP posts:

LadyLolaRuben · 10/04/2022 08:15

Does he work for you/does he report to you? If not, then its pretty straight forward to keep the two worlds separate initially. We only meet people in person rather than online in very limited circumstances these days, work being one of them. Life is too short OP, if you like him and you can agree to keep it out of work to see how you both get on, go for it, life is waaaaaay too short.

NiceTwin · 10/04/2022 08:16

I would give it a whirl as long as you don't work in close quarters.

I got together with my project manager. When I was pregnant, 3 years into the relationship, is when people found out who I was with.
It is possible to be discrete.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 10/04/2022 08:16

“Don’t screw the crew”

Teeturtle · 10/04/2022 08:17

Lots of people meet their spouses at work, there isn’t necessarily something wrong with pursuing it, although It isn’t a good idea if there is a direct reporting line here.

PaterPower · 10/04/2022 08:18

Assuming you’re both competent adults, there’s no law against it, but your company may have rules against dating someone you manage / supervise.

Does he report to you? Do you (or could you) influence things like promotions, pay rises or disciplinary action related to him? If the answer for any of that is yes, then I would avoid dating him. Workplace relationships that go sour can have knock on effects too, which is why they’re generally better avoided IMO.

If you’re determined to date him though, and you don’t have access to an employee handbook, then email your HR team (keeping the chef anonymous) and ask them what the company’s policy is.

Original poster

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 08:19

He does unfortunately report to me as his manager. I will just have to not date him. It's a shame though as he's the first person in 5 years who has made me think I could date again. Oh well.........

OP posts:

Original poster

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 08:21

He's just so on my level. We like the same music have the same attitude to life. He's someone I would never have met outside of work and he's so lovely but I can't pursue it as he directly reports to me and I don't want to put his or my job in jeopardy.

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Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 10/04/2022 08:23

Yeah, you shouldn't date someone you manage. If it went wrong, it could cause massive issues. Hopefully you meet someone else soon, to take your mind off him.

girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 08:24

Yeah it's really inappropriate to date someone you manage. Sorry OP.

Electriq · 10/04/2022 08:26

Im in the go for it camp..

Original poster

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 08:28

I knew the answer without the need for a Mumsnet post but I needed to just clarify in my head that the decision was the right one. Next shift I'll tell him it's inappropriate to pursue anything and that we are colleagues and colleagues only. I feel it needs the conversation because he loudly said he'd like my number in front of a team member also

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eatentoomanygrapes · 10/04/2022 08:28

If it's going to happen, it will find a way to happen anyway 😊

Original poster

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 08:30

I have the option of leaving the position in may at the end of the football season. And I do have other employment that I can pick up more hours but I really love my job and feel like it's a massive risk leaving the position over a possible relationship. He might be awful outside of work haha. I mean I highly doubt it but u never know

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Hiddenvoice · 10/04/2022 08:44

I agree with pp that if it’s going to happen it will!
I wouldn’t date him just now as you’re in a management position and there might actually be policies in place about relationships in the workplace!

Sparkletastic · 10/04/2022 08:47

Get to know him better to see if you are compatible. If you want to pursue a relationship then declare it as a conflict of interest to your own manager, and agree strategies to manage the conflict effectively. It's not ideal but it's not impossible either.

Original poster

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 08:53

It's so shit. I came from a really horrible emotionally/financially abusive relationship and swore I'd never be in another relationship as long as I lived. But this man has proper made me feel like it's a possibility with him. However I know it's wrong to pursue it. It just makes me a little sad knowing potentially he could be my person u know.

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Flipflopfoodle · 10/04/2022 08:57

It is possible to keep work separate, my DH and I worked together, after a few months when we thought it was serious he went to our bosses to tell them. When he asked was it alright if he dated a work colleague they assumed he meant a different woman and were staggered when he said, No, it's Flipflop. However his best mate who dated similarly, they had spats and snogs, and more spats, ending with her saying she had taken an overdose of drugs from the work pharmacy. So I think it's down to the individual personalities of both parties.

boredsolicitor · 10/04/2022 09:07

does your workplace have a policy on personal relationships?
my employer does - we have to disclose the details to senior management and they make arrangements for a different manager to manage the most junior of the two people. seems ok to me - transparency about what's going on and avoids potential claims of favouritism etc

Original poster

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 11:15

I'm not sure if they do and I don't want to ask because I don't want anyone to know either

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layladomino · 10/04/2022 13:59

It is possible to date someone you work with (it used to be the most common place to meet your future DH / DW, these days I think it's in second place).

Yes it can be awkward if it doesn't work out, but that's the same if you meet through friends etc. You just have to be grown up about it.

If one of you manages the other, there's another layer of complication and you need to be clear on company policy and be open and honest at work.

One of my friends and her future DH met at work... they kept it quiet until they were certain it was serious, then one of them got another job. Another friend is married to someone who reports to her. They just put systems in place to ensure she can't be accused of favouring him. My parents worked together as equals on the same team.

You have to approach with care, but it isn't automatically a non-starter IMO.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 10/04/2022 15:24

@Lolly34h

Look at fundamental values, life plans, etc, not music.

PonyPatter44 · 10/04/2022 15:30

One of my friends met his now-wife when they both worked at a company that had a very strict rule against colleagues dating. He asked her out and applied for new jobs st the same time. They've been married for 17 years now.

I think if you're sensible and adult about it, it can work, plus you are senior to him, so if it all goes sour it won't be you looking for another job.

Original poster

Lolly34h · 10/04/2022 17:09

@Hrpuffnstuff1 I have that is what the same attitude to life meant. He's very much like me in the fact that he wants a stable family life he works hard has 2 jobs and is very very sensible. I have children from a previous relationship so obviously he knows my priorities too

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