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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I over-reacting

33 replies

Tarah123x · 10/04/2022 00:49

I feel so annoyed today as I feel like husbands going out every weekend has turned into a huge habit . Have moved to a new area and he works 6 days sometimes 7, every Saturday after work he is coming home near to 2am telling me he’s meeting up with old friends.

I told him I’m fine with him seeing them as long as it’s not every weekends as I have no leasuire time for self on my own. Never plans date nights etc and when I do I don’t get much of a ‘yes’ haven’t been on one maybe over 5 months

What would you do he feels like I’m making a fuss and being controlling

If I am I would like advice because that’s not my intentions I don’t mind him having a social life but I don’t see a good balance. During week is home after work we have dinner etc but Saturdays are becoming slightly annoying

OP posts:
Tarah123x · 10/04/2022 00:50

We have 3 Babies also..

OP posts:
rolllan · 10/04/2022 00:56

Your completely right! But he should realise this. If he thinks your moaning and doesn't realise especially with a young family I don't know how you sort it. Just have to talk about it and come to an understanding.

rolllan · 10/04/2022 01:02

Also I do think the younger kid stage is so hard, especially for working parents. But don't forget how awesome your partner is (not excusing any crappy behaviour) but just reassuring it's not a great time for anyone and to get through it have to see all the positives.

spotcheck · 10/04/2022 01:06

Ah, him saying you are controlling keeps you nice and quiet. Job done

rolllan · 10/04/2022 02:33

@spotcheck I missed the controlling so really sorry. Don't let that be used against you, you have to be in control to look after your family . It's a good quality in the right way. Don't let him use that to screw you over

Lex345 · 10/04/2022 04:51

No, you are not over reacting. You have 3 young children together and they are both of your responsibilities. What happens on Sunday when he has rolled in at 2am? I am guessing with young children, you will be up by 7am-does he get up? I wouldnt mind occasionally if DH went out and came in at that time, but every weekend or most weekends, I would have a real problem with when your children are young. To be honest, ours are tweens/teens now and I would still have a problem with this every weekend. You are not being controlling if you are saying to a partner this is what I expect from the father of my three young children. If he doesnt want to change his behaviour, thats his choice and you cannot force him-but he cannot force you to "put up and shut up" either. You can choose whether his good qualities are worth putting up with this or you can say that you want better for yourself.

Weatherwax13 · 10/04/2022 05:43

You're not overreacting. He's incredibly selfish

autienotnaughty · 10/04/2022 06:16

It needs to be equal, is he happy to stay in while you go out? I would explain you would like to do more together.

newbiename · 10/04/2022 06:17

@rolllan

Also I do think the younger kid stage is so hard, especially for working parents. But don't forget how awesome your partner is (not excusing any crappy behaviour) but just reassuring it's not a great time for anyone and to get through it have to see all the positives.
He's not awesome he's a selfish twat. Regularly coming in at 2am ??
2Hot2Handle · 10/04/2022 06:44

Tell him in advance that you want to sit down together, to have a conversation about the current routine, at a time when the kids are in bed. Tell him it’s very important.

Prep what you want to say in advance, to try to avoid getting lost in minor details. Rather than point out what you feel he’s doing wrong, explain what you want out of the routine, relationship and life itself and what in the current situation isn’t working for you (always working, staying out until 2). Tell him what is important to you. E.g, spending time together as a family. Spending time together as a couple. Splitting the family workload (e.g. childcare) equally. Explain WHY all of this is important to you and to the children.

Expect an argument, or bad reaction from him, after all, this current situation is him doing what he wants, when he wants. If he reacts negatively, or tells you, you’re being unreasonable, ask him why he feels that way and wait for him to answer.

If you’re able to stay calm, but firm about what you believe is going on and why you want and need it to change, you have a good chance of finding out what the future looks like. He’ll either take on board what you’re saying and take steps to right the wrongs, or he’ll dismiss your needs, which tells you there is a bigger problem.

He may react badly to start with (no one likes confrontation when they’re in the wrong), but if he then makes changes, you know he cares. If he shuts you down and carries on, you then should focus on what action you need to take, to improve the situation for yourself.

girlmom21 · 10/04/2022 07:09

You need to speak about this properly.

Family time aside, it's expensive to be out every weekend!

Does he get up on a Sunday?

Do you work?

Tarah123x · 10/04/2022 12:14

We spoke it but he goes he doesn’t know how to fix it and I’m to confrontational, apparently he needs time to himself and understands what I am trying to say but keeps asking me how we will fix the issue ? I told him by letting me have some time too, then he goes on to say go your way il go mine. I feel like he does this often when he doesn’t get answers he wanted to hear or when he doesn’t want to discuss a topic and when he feels like I’m getting a bit loud, which I really am not I’ve just speak abit loud

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 10/04/2022 12:23

Tell him Fine. I'll go my way. Just to let you know I'm out with mates for the next 4 Saturdays in a row, so you will be home babysitting. I've done the last month whilst you've been out. It's my then now.

And mean it. Go out. Get the Sunday lie in.

NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 10/04/2022 13:03

So you're no longer a beloved wife, but a housekeeper-with-benefits.

You do all the housework, look after the kids, make sure he has clean clothes and food, while he works and then spends his available social time avoiding you (and the kids) with the mates shows company he prefers.

He understands the need for alone time/time off, and takes it. And is prepared to allow you the same deal. Except that when he says "you go your way and I'll go mine" he's not taking the kids with him, is he?

He says you are too confrontational. Not confrontational enough. Next time he tells you he's off to meet up with old friends, get in the car and drive off first.

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 13:05

@rolllan

Also I do think the younger kid stage is so hard, especially for working parents. But don't forget how awesome your partner is (not excusing any crappy behaviour) but just reassuring it's not a great time for anyone and to get through it have to see all the positives.
What did the OP say about this man that made you think he was awesome?
Quartz2208 · 10/04/2022 13:10

@Tarah123x

We spoke it but he goes he doesn’t know how to fix it and I’m to confrontational, apparently he needs time to himself and understands what I am trying to say but keeps asking me how we will fix the issue ? I told him by letting me have some time too, then he goes on to say go your way il go mine. I feel like he does this often when he doesn’t get answers he wanted to hear or when he doesn’t want to discuss a topic and when he feels like I’m getting a bit loud, which I really am not I’ve just speak abit loud
He doesnt know how to fix it?

It is easy he doesnt go out all the time and looks after the children?

When you say go your way does he mean split up?

GoodSoup · 10/04/2022 13:21

He’s basically telling you to pipe down and put up. You are the house keeper and child rearer and aren’t allowed anytime to yourself. He’s making sure of that by shutting you down.

Tarah123x · 10/04/2022 13:36

He’s just telling me he will go out every week it’s down to me to arrange childcare. Taking no responsibility on his part

OP posts:
Tarah123x · 10/04/2022 13:39

Yes I guess he means to split up but now is saying he said that to avoid a discussion because he doesn’t know what to do

Also is saying I’m jealous of him, I am not, not one bit but resentment is building as this has been his cycle since we married @Quartz2208

OP posts:
Tarah123x · 10/04/2022 13:41

Also telling me this is only once a week so what is my issue . Apparently I’m always moody about it.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 10/04/2022 13:44

What do you get out of being with him? Do you work as well

Tarah123x · 10/04/2022 13:48

Adding up probably nothing
I’m sahm kids are not even school age yet @Quartz2208

OP posts:
layladomino · 10/04/2022 13:50

I would seriously take him up on the suggestion that you part ways.

He is showing you no respect or care.

Ask him why he thinks he deserves a social life more than you? Why does he think he deserves down time more than you? Why would he rather go out with his mates evrery time and never his wife?

He should be able to have a calm, grown up conversation and answer these questions. He will struggle of course, as the only sensible, logical answers are that

  • he doesn't deserve more of a social life than you
  • he doesn't deserve more down time than you
  • it's normal to want to spend more time with your wife than your friends.

He is living a selfish life. He is enjoying nights out with friends while you pick up all the slack at home. He doesn't want you to question that as a) he likes his life and b) he doesn't like being reminded that he's a poor husband / father. So, when you mention it, he deflects. He says you're controlling or always moaning. He threatens to leave you. He does that just to shut you up and to distract you from the real issue, which is that he is a sh*t partner.

You would be better off without him. You deserve better,

chisanunian · 10/04/2022 14:51

@Tarah123x

He’s just telling me he will go out every week it’s down to me to arrange childcare. Taking no responsibility on his part
Why? Ask him why it's down to you, when he is also their parent.
dreammattemousse · 10/04/2022 15:14

Crying reading this thread
I'm in a very similar situation

Can't find the words to write anymore