Advice for living together successfully

[InRoseBlush]

I'm moving in with my boyfriend in the next few weeks and I really want it to go well so I thought I'd seek the advice of you wise lot! I've never lived with a partner before, so I'm sure it'll be a big adjustment.

So, what is your best piece of advice about living with a partner? Any tips for a harmonious home would be so appreciated!

Compromise

Going to bed at the same time was important to me. Luckily dp agreed!

Dont spend all your time together.

If you find yourself being smaller for him (missing parties, not having friends round) reconsider him. He has no right to make you live half a life, or a less fun one.

Make sure you keep money independently of him. You need your own savings.

Keep an eye on the work you do around the house. Does he think you'll do tasks for him and suddenly you're busier? Does he think your job is the housework?

Remember that relationships are supposed to halve the crap in life and double the fun. So with regards to living together, the drudgery of it all should feel lighter and the the fun of life should feel more frequent. If you find this isn't the case, they aren't the right life partner for you.

• Don't move in and assume that you are 'in charge' of all household type jobs i.e. you are the one who organises/delegates. This includes cleaning, laundry, food shopping, cooking etc

• Agree that if family come to stay the person whose family is coming 'owns' the visit and organises accordingly

• If neither of you like gardening/cleaning then get a gardener/cleaner

• agree split of household bills and how financials are going to be set up going forward

• compromise on the little things but be open and honest about what annoys each other

You say you are moving in, does that me you are moving into his flat/house? does he own it? protect your interests financially

Open your eyes and learn. Does he clean the toilet? Cook? Buy groceries? Do your laundry without you asking, and do a good job? Make you tea? Make an effort? Make you happy?

Hopefully he'll be learning about you, too. That you're considerate and pleasant to live with. That you have boundaries and expectations, just like he does.

Hopefully it all matches up. If not, be prepared to leave.

Thanks all, great advice that I will definitely keep in mind!

@Noisyprat Yeah I'm moving into his house that he owns but I own my flat and will be renting that out until we're married. I've put quite a lot of thought into that side of things so have an airtight contingency plan should things go tits up! Hopefully, everything will be okay though.

Compromise
Loyalty
Equality
Never go to sleep on a row
Trust
Similar approaches to money
Share the load and be fair to each other.

Do you think date nights should be a priority? I do worry that when we live together we'll fall out of the habit of making plans together because we'll see each other every day. Whereas just now because we generally only see each other a few times a week it's always a bit of an occasion and we do something nice (even if it's just making a nice dinner and watching a film) which has kept the relationship very romantic. Or do you think it's just one of those things that some couples keep the romantic spark and others lose it and date nights wouldn't make a difference?

We dont do date nights. But we DO have lots of plans.

The relationship will change due to living together. But in a good way x

I definitely think date nights are a great idea. Even if you spend them in, taking the time to maybe cook for each other or get a bit dressed up or whatever it is that makes you feel like it’s a special occasion is lovely and can help keep the excitement and appreciation going.

Make sure the way forward is set quite early otherwise you may realise you are doing everything and it’s kind of crept up and now you feel awkward to say anything without it sounding like criticism.

Always have a decent reserve fund in your name.

Don’t stop making time for friends- don’t make them ‘all’ your life

Don’t pretend to like things you don’t.

I’m saying this as I did none of them and cane to regret it!!

Talk about how you want to live together at the start.

Like a specific conversation about that topic: how much time / space do you need? How do you want to deal with conflict / irritation? What makes a big difference to your sense of comfort? In what ways are you different, and how can you make room for those things?

Don't assume anything, and if you haven't talked about it / planned for it, you don't get to be annoyed about it –it just requires another conversation.

Share the chores
Go to bed at the same time
Turn the tv off and put phones away once in a while to make sure you keep communicating
Compromise

Don't become the keeper of the mental load. Decide how you're going to divide household/garden/car/finance responsibilities and stick to the division (or renegotiate it, if necessary).

Don't be the sole person keeping track of things that need monitored or done. Do not allow him to think he does his fair share, when really he's awaiting your instruction before he does something. Don't tolerate him saying "Oh, if you'd only said, I'd have done it..."

Contentment comes from partners bearing their fair share of the mental load, and not from one partner having to act as a project manager for life.

This is all very helpful, thank you! It's made me think as a lot of you have mentioned about the 'mental load' and actually I think I will have to be mindful of not letting him take all of it. I think we could easily fall into him being the one who organises everything as I can be quite disorganised and haphazard whereas he is naturally very on top of things. I would never not take on my share of jobs but need to remember to be more proactive and not leave him to tell me what needs to be done as I can see how a person could become resentful about that due to the mental effort involved. So I will have a chat with him before I move in and will have to figure out a way to organise myself better. Maybe a planner or something would be helpful.

@InRoseBlush. Yep and following your posts I would add never presume— as here is me presuming everything will fall on you as that’s ‘my’ experience and in actual fact it’s you that might need to step up— lol!

We never go to bed at the same time, how can you if one person works non standard hours?! I find that quite patronising and is a position of extreme privilege.

@Crikeyalmighty Ha! Understandable when you consider all of the threads you read on here!

It will be a hard balance as he likes to be in control and I think will find it hard to let go of the reigns a bit so it would be very easy to just say "okay, you just let me know what you want me to do" but I'm sure over time that would become a point of contention.

[quote InRoseBlush]@Crikeyalmighty Ha! Understandable when you consider all of the threads you read on here!

It will be a hard balance as he likes to be in control and I think will find it hard to let go of the reigns a bit so it would be very easy to just say "okay, you just let me know what you want me to do" but I'm sure over time that would become a point of contention. [/quote]
Well fucking don’t do that! Jesus.

@pictish eh? That's what I'm saying, I'll need to be mindful to not slip into that pattern. How rude

That’s my advice. Maintain your boundaries, don’t be a mug deferring to him.

You don’t need to be mindful you need to be resolute. Didn’t mean to be rude.