Major dilemma over moving in with boyfriend

[Redleavesfalling289]

I've been with my boyfriend about six years & during this time we've lived in the same place and separate places. I went to uni for three years, so that was long distance. We were then in the same city again for about a year, then he had to move as his DM was dying. A few months after this I'd moved to London for a job & now I'm in the South-East. Since around the time of lockdown I started to struggle more with the long-distance & was jealous of couples that could 'move in' together as they were local. We didn't see each other until the whole bubble thing was introduced.

We've talked about him moving here, but he's reluctant because a) He has a business which is based where he currently lives. Though it's worth saying this business has been doing very poorly for the last few years & he's thinking of winding it down 2) He currently lives with his brother, who has disabilities, doesn't and probably can't work. They don't get on at all, but his DM said on her death bed that he must promise to look after said brother.

To add to the complications, I had been thinking of buying a flat in the South East, as want to get on the property ladder. I have been looking at different areas. The plan is obviously for him to move in with me, but then he recently asked if I could move to the South West where he's based, as my job is permanently remote with just the odd trip into the office. I hadn't even considered this till recently - though am reluctant as have some friends here & I like having easy access to London. Plus houses are likely to retain value a bit more due to said proximity. I feel like if he ends up winding his business down, it would make more sense for him to move here as he'd be doing a 9-5. But whenever he talks about it he says he feels stuck due to the responsibility of his brother, who the benefits office are now trying to get off benefits. The brother is also occasionally involved with the business, though mostly uses it as a storage unit. Partner has been SE most of his life and detests the thought of working for someone else.

We see each other between 8-10 days a month usually & spent two weeks at Christmas together & I'm really starting to struggle with living apart. Mostly the lack of spontaneity in the relationship & obviously the fact we're physically apart a lot of the time. I live alone so it can get quite lonely. It's got to the stage where it's really affecting me mentally, and I'm bringing it up every time we speak on the phone. I'm seeing him over Easter, so going to try and have a sensible discussion. I feel like the options are:

A) Break up
B) He moves here
C) I move there

I feel like breaking up would not be a good option for me mentally at the moment, as I'm quite isolated and struggle with mental health. But equally, should I have to put plans such as buying a flat on hold because he's too scared to tell his brother he's leaving? I know one of us is going to have to compromise, but it's tricky as there's no compromise where we can meet in the middle really.

Any thoughts?

It's not just therapy you need OP

Sorry pressed too soon.

Please get a life. I don't mean that in a horrible way. Get some hobbies and interests, get out, make friends, live your life for yourself. Make yourself happy. Therapy won't help with that. Say yes to things you would normally say no too.

I agree with another posters observation about autumn and winter it being ok to hide out whereas its obvious in summer you don't have anyone.

Get on meetup. Bumble friends, join a running club.

Looking after brother
Does not have to mean living with him
Bit that is for your b f to work out.
His d m isn't there any more

Do your thing e g buy property where you want
And aCcept maybe this won't work out

@girlmom21

If the idea of separating makes you suicidal and you can't cope with long distance you have to move to him.

Or she could get therapy..

In that case, move to where your boyfriend is, on the understanding that you have lots of trips to London. It sounds as though you’re in limbo, and that can be stressful in itself. I think that once you’ve made a decision, you will hopefully feel a lot better ( even if it isn’t in your preferred location)

i would be seeing your GP for help, he may be wanting to break up with you but has not got the balls to do it.

Your lives are not compatible, i would break up with him and focus on your mental health

We have had the break up discussion though - I even said it might have to come down to that if we don't move forward soon. He insisted that's not what he wants at all. So we haven't swerved it entirely.

What @Runningslow says:
It sounds as though you’re in limbo, and that can be stressful in itself. I think that once you’ve made a decision, you will hopefully feel a lot better ( even if it isn’t in your preferred location

I would probably move to where he is OP provided it’s not the arse end of nowhere— give it 6 months (so only do a 6 month let initially) and see how you feel — it will either be ok or it won’t. Make sure you have enough still for your deposit on shared ownership and maybe enough for deposit on a rental for 6 months . ‘Some’ shared ownerships insist you already live or work in the borough. Personally I think it should be the other way around if his business isn’t that great either, but I doubt he will— with some people blood is always thicker than water. Given that you like the proximity to London unless he lives close to Bath, Chippenham, Bristol , Frome, Exeter etc I would think hard on that too, if you don’t know anyone for a while you will feel very co dependent and it’s better to at least have the possibility of meet up groups etc

I wouldn't move to be with him right now. You are super vulnerable. If he won't move to you, I suggest you keep on as you are while you work on your mental health. Moving across the country away from your home, friends, and familiar routines, when you are feeling like you'll kill yourself if your partner leaves you, is not a good frame of mind to be moving in with anyone.

@Crikeyalmighty

I would probably move to where he is OP provided it’s not the arse end of nowhere— give it 6 months (so only do a 6 month let initially) and see how you feel — it will either be ok or it won’t. Make sure you have enough still for your deposit on shared ownership and maybe enough for deposit on a rental for 6 months . ‘Some’ shared ownerships insist you already live or work in the borough. Personally I think it should be the other way around if his business isn’t that great either, but I doubt he will— with some people blood is always thicker than water. Given that you like the proximity to London unless he lives close to Bath, Chippenham, Bristol , Frome, Exeter etc I would think hard on that too, if you don’t know anyone for a while you will feel very co dependent and it’s better to at least have the possibility of meet up groups etc

I'm thinking this might be the best option for now. He lives close to Bath - commute is about 1.5 hrs to London. My current commute is about an hour, so it's not unrealistic. It also doesn't cost much more and is accessible later than my current commute. I think I'd want to go into London about twice per month - once for work and once for social stuff.

I think you buy a place where you live and work on getting your life sorted a bit so you're not as lonely. Give yourself stability and certainty, and give yourself at least six months to work on being happy, separate from the relationship. Strengthen friendships outside of him. You don't have to break up to do this. Just mentally stop putting all your eggs in that basket. You can't control him, but you can control you, so work on what you can control.

A, you can't base your mental health on a relationship that isn't giving you what you need.

We posted at the same time -- OP, I think loneliness is warping your perspective, especially with working remotely. You don't want to move and get involved with what sounds like a toxic mess with this guy's brother. He's already picking him over you (the plan was for him to move to you, right?) and making irrational decisions about his business. I say you stay put and make a go of it where you are.

We are overseas at moment OP but moved here from Bath. Really Lovely place to live and lots of good meet up groups— my friends all still live there— I would give it a go— think of it as an adventure, it will either make or break you — just make sure you have the funds on one side if you need to make changes and don’t tie yourself into a rental long term— I would also insist on renting in Bath rather than any villages outside. At least you can then have some fun—

Thing is if you’ve lived in Bath and have a good network and work, most people I’ve known loved it and won’t move.

You really need to work on your mental health. That should be your priority. It is enormously unfair to put your emotional well-being onto another person. You're in a relationship with a man who has been bullied by his parents into caring for his brother and now you're saying if the relationship ends you'll kill yourself?

That's emotional blackmail and is a horrific way to treat another person.

@Clymene

You really need to work on your mental health. That should be your priority. It is enormously unfair to put your emotional well-being onto another person. You're in a relationship with a man who has been bullied by his parents into caring for his brother and now you're saying if the relationship ends you'll kill yourself?

That's emotional blackmail and is a horrific way to treat another person.

Just so you know, I would never say this time & I would never dream of telling him I'd kill myself over the relationship. You can't help how you feel, but I've never actually pushed that onto him.

It sounds like you don't have a huge network in London so a move to the SW could well end up better for you anyway. A large town like Bath has a lot going for it and can be easier to get a toehold in than some parts of London.

Yep and if you do move to Bath OP— as others have said please do work on your mental health , it’s a bad idea to make your whole life and mental health revolve totally around someone else - anything can happen.

No, the above is correct. I have a couple of friends who are London-based, but only see them once every couple of months. No one in the town I live in. My best network is in my hometown, but I can't move back there due to my work and having no desire to live there. However, I would like to have more of a network 100%. I think the problem with depression is it's so hard to motivate yourself to do things, even though social bonds would no doubt help things a lot.

I think you'd massively benefit from going ahead and buying a shared ownership property. It will be exciting and will take your mind off relationship problems. You might find you feel much more confident and positive and will then be able to make a rational decision about your love life. Hopefully your boyfriend will be supportive of this.

@oviraptor21

It sounds like you don't have a huge network in London so a move to the SW could well end up better for you anyway. A large town like Bath has a lot going for it and can be easier to get a toehold in than some parts of London.

Agree! I found people in London flakey. Too many things to do, I was constantly meeting new people who never seems interested in forming a proper friendship. OP you're not in the right state of mind right now, so sharing with him in the SW is the best short-term option. Ultimately though.. after 6 years you should be making decisions as a couple. Where do you see this heading? Etc. Work on your MH, give yourself a time limit to reassess.

I know people are very divided on this between 100% dump him vs give it a try, but I feel like this has helped me have a bit of clarity. Where I'm living now I have no friends anyway really, so I could be living anywhere alone. Where I would be moving with him is better value & would eat up much less of my rent. Plus, it's a beautiful place and somewhere I know I like as have visited many times and used to go on holiday there as a kid. I do totally get what people are saying about needing to build my own life. Honestly, pre-lockdown I did have a life, hobbies etc. But almost 2 years of imposed house arrest took its toll. Have also gained almost 3 stone over lockdown, which has made me feel crappy, though I'm slowly working on that.

I feel like if I can get myself in a happier place through ending the torture that is long-distance, I might be in a better place to be more social, go back to my hobbies. I might be wrong, but I know I'm not going to move on unless we give the living together thing a try. If we try & it doesn't work, at least I'll know. It's being in purgatory or 'limbo' as someone said, that's making it difficult I think.