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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get rid of my mother

38 replies

Debroglie · 09/04/2022 10:55

I really don’t want to see my mother ever. We’ve been low contact and no contact for periods of time on and off over the last few years.
For context- I’m 42 and have 2 dc (8 and 12).
We’ve seen her on average 2 times a year since dc were born so they don’t really know her. She abused me as a child and the reason I don’t want to see her is because when we do see her she constantly has digs at me and tries to wind me up by saying controversial things that she knows I disagree with. I struggle loads with my mental health and after she visits I feel awful for weeks. She visited last month because she said she had a birthday present for one of my dc and she wanted to bring it round. I agreed to her coming round (we live about 40 miles away). The present was a £20 note. I’d rather she didn’t give anything but I thought if she’s got dc a present then why not let her come round to give it. But it was just money! She could have posted a voucher (she has in the past). I think she is trying to worm her way back into my life using the dc as a reason.
She now wants to visit over Easter but I just can’t face it. She texted with some dates and I’ve said we’re busy but she keeps texting with more dates. How do I stop this contact without getting into conflict? I don’t want to upset her but I don’t want to upset myself either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Debroglie · 09/04/2022 10:57

Apologies for massive block of text

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 09/04/2022 10:58

you probably can't, sorry.
There will be conflict, that much is obvious. You have to decide what you can deal with better. her coming or you saying stay away. Flowers

Hoppinggreen · 09/04/2022 11:00

I think you have to accept that she won’t take it well and try not to care
Don’t expect her to agree and don’t justify yourself
Just tell her you don’t want her to come and then don’t engage, be prepared for her to turn up though

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 11:02

You put yourself, your mental health and your family first.

You block her.

You do not entertain her any further.

No contact.

Your children do not need the woman who abused you and leaves you upset for weeks, within a 100 miles of them.

YOUR sole obligation is to your children.

You need to protect your mental health at all costs.

That is what a good woman and a good mother would do.

Protect you health for YOUR CHILDREN.

There is NOTHING else to think about or consider.

Flowers
hattie43 · 09/04/2022 11:02

I think you should write to her outlining your feelings . How she answers would determine how I would deal with .
If she just said you were talking rubbish I'd write back saying you won't have further contact . If she is apologetic I would try and build some sort of bridge for the sake of my children.

Original poster
Debroglie · 09/04/2022 11:08

Thank you for your replies.

In the past I have tried to explain that what she’s says upsets me but she refuses to acknowledge my feelings at all so there’s no point trying to heal the relationship.

billy1966 thank you that was just the pep talk I needed.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 09/04/2022 11:11

It's better to upset her than upset you and harm your children with contact.

Stay strong.

Original poster
Debroglie · 09/04/2022 11:12

Thank you. I’ve just replied and said I don’t want her to visit. Feel a bit sick and shaky

OP posts:
lobsterkiller · 09/04/2022 11:23

Massively brave, well done. You are doing right by you and your children. They dont need abusive people in their lives and you deserve peace of mind.

And you never need to justify your feelings to her either. Dont let her question this line in the sand you've drawn.

frazzledasarock · 09/04/2022 11:30

It’s the thing with abusive parents. Before I went NC with mine I tried many many times to explain how they made me feel what they were going to me was harmful.

Each time they ignored completely anything I said and pretended it had never been spoken about and just carried on.

I’m pretty sure they’re (still) all very shocked and confused that I’m NC with them.

My life is tons better without them in it. And that’s all I care about.

You’re going to have to learn to not care about your mothers feelings. It’s a slow process.

ReadyforTakeOff · 09/04/2022 11:40

I don't know what conversations you have had in the past and how long ago they were but sometimes you need to take the emotion out of it and have a frank chat.

Explain the situation, how she makes you feel and the implications if she continues i.e. you don't want to see her which will obviously impact her relationship with your kids.

Yes many parents are difficult and there is no excuse for abuse, however I have often found that people change as time passes and they realise they may not have much time left.

Having no contact is all well and good and that may be the only solution once you have truly exhausted everything else. You don't want to regret things later in life.

I don't know you but I do tend to find people in general don't like to have a fair but firm conversation though they can often prove hugely beneficial for both parties. You also need to get out of the "parent/child" dynamic which may overhang the relationship.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 11:41

I have even nc with mine for best part of 20 years. I am 50. The first 10 years was when she flounced from my home. Never chased her. After 10 years a legal case (mine) had me contact her for potential info.. Saw her for maybe 18 months. Then I went nc again. Got a few Woe Is Me letters. I just was to the point and said I am sorry we couldn't have a proper dm /dd relationship but nc was what I wanted and she needed to accept that. Thankfully she did. She sends the dc cards which I pass on but that's all. Be firm op. She really can't hurt you anymore. But I do get that seeing her /hearing from her takes you right back there... You now have the control.
Keep her away for good.
Great for your mh ime.

Dimenw · 09/04/2022 11:47

"You don't want to regret things later in life"
Oh, no, don't entertain this idea for a second. You've tried to explain, she's not in the least bit interested in your feelings.
Very well done on turning her down, it's natural to feel wobbly now. Don't weaken though, you've done the right thing.

Original poster
Debroglie · 09/04/2022 12:03

Thanks all for the replies. Very much appreciate the support.

There is no ground to be gained by explaining my feelings to her. She will make no effort to understand what I say.

I know that no contact is the correct and rational thing to do but I am still caught up in trying to placate her and avoid her wrath.

My dc don’t need a grandmother like her in their lives. They have plenty of other family members who love them.

I have spent the last 20 years trying to come to terms with what happened to my brothers and me as children with very little success. I’m sure that having her crouching in the long grasses, ready to pounce is not making my life easier!

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/04/2022 12:20

@ReadyforTakeOff

I don't know what conversations you have had in the past and how long ago they were but sometimes you need to take the emotion out of it and have a frank chat.

Explain the situation, how she makes you feel and the implications if she continues i.e. you don't want to see her which will obviously impact her relationship with your kids.

Yes many parents are difficult and there is no excuse for abuse, however I have often found that people change as time passes and they realise they may not have much time left.

Having no contact is all well and good and that may be the only solution once you have truly exhausted everything else. You don't want to regret things later in life.

I don't know you but I do tend to find people in general don't like to have a fair but firm conversation though they can often prove hugely beneficial for both parties. You also need to get out of the "parent/child" dynamic which may overhang the relationship.

My Father was still managing to be an arsehole on his death bed Didn’t visit him, didn’t go to the funeral Zero regrets here
Chasingsquirrels · 09/04/2022 12:23

@Debroglie

Thank you. I’ve just replied and said I don’t want her to visit. Feel a bit sick and shaky
Just sending hugs, take care of yourself and your children x
inheritancetrack · 09/04/2022 12:33

You have to accept the conflict. Maybe get your DP involved to support your decision. Basically write/text/phone/facetime (whatever you can cope with) and say she abused you as children. You don't want her in yours or your childrens lives. She is not to contact or speak to you. All correspondence will be binned without opening. Her number will be blocked. Any attempt at contacting you will result in the police being informed of harrassment.

She'll get the message and that will be the end of it.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 09/04/2022 12:45

What's your relationship with your brothers like? What's their relationship with her like? Would they support you in this?

Offredismysister · 09/04/2022 12:48

You have done the right thing, stay strong. It becomes so liberating when you start to say no & can do your own thing. Flowers

Bonheurdupasse · 09/04/2022 12:49

Well done OP. Stay strong, don't let her bully (or worm) her way back in your life.

CrowAndABut · 09/04/2022 12:58

Well done OP Flowers

Now onwards and upwards.

speakball · 09/04/2022 13:25

"however I have often found that people change as time passes and they realise they may not have much time left."

Not when it comes to disordered personalities. They can't learn because they think there is nothing to learn.

Pegasussnail · 09/04/2022 13:28

Hope you get the peace in your life you deserve OP Flowers

Helenahandkart · 09/04/2022 14:04

I got rid of my dad 20 years ago. I wrote him a brief letter saying I no longer wanted any contact with him because of the past. It wasn’t up for discussion. I’d made up my mind.
He tried to maintain contact initially, including coming to my house unexpectedly, but I told him to go. I stopped answering the phone to him, and ignored letters etc.
There have been a handful of meetings since, at family occasions, but I have walked away every time he’s approached me. It feels awkward but only briefly.
Mostly I have a huge sense of relief to no longer have any contact.

Fraaahnces · 09/04/2022 14:18

Either the Mumsnet “No, that doesn’t work for us today…” and not offering excuses, or each of you could have COVID for months.