How to get rid of my mother

[Debroglie]

I really don’t want to see my mother ever. We’ve been low contact and no contact for periods of time on and off over the last few years.
For context- I’m 42 and have 2 dc (8 and 12).
We’ve seen her on average 2 times a year since dc were born so they don’t really know her. She abused me as a child and the reason I don’t want to see her is because when we do see her she constantly has digs at me and tries to wind me up by saying controversial things that she knows I disagree with. I struggle loads with my mental health and after she visits I feel awful for weeks. She visited last month because she said she had a birthday present for one of my dc and she wanted to bring it round. I agreed to her coming round (we live about 40 miles away). The present was a £20 note. I’d rather she didn’t give anything but I thought if she’s got dc a present then why not let her come round to give it. But it was just money! She could have posted a voucher (she has in the past). I think she is trying to worm her way back into my life using the dc as a reason.
She now wants to visit over Easter but I just can’t face it. She texted with some dates and I’ve said we’re busy but she keeps texting with more dates. How do I stop this contact without getting into conflict? I don’t want to upset her but I don’t want to upset myself either.

@Debroglie well done for being so brave

You won’t always feel so wobbly, it takes a while to get past this, but you will, it won’t always be this painful

You’ve absolutely done the right thing

@Debroglie

Thank you. I’ve just replied and said I don’t want her to visit. Feel a bit sick and shaky

Well done. That is a huge step!

When she responds, don't answer back straight away.

Post on here and you'll get help to formulate a clear response.

Well done OP.
If you feel a wobble, remember you are doing this for your children.

Unlike YOUR mother, YOU are doing what is best for them.

A happy mother means happy children.
They have NEVER needed this woman near them.

Should she contact you again, text her "I never want to see you again. This will NOT change. There is NOTHING to discuss. Do NOT contact me ever again. I will involve the police if you do. I am now BLOCKING you".

Then block her.

Focus on minding yourself and your children.

You all deserve some peace.

Well done @Debroglie

I think it’s really hard to understand this situation unless you’ve been there. My father is mow old and frail but I’ve finally started setting boundaries with him, and it’s still scary, but does feel good! I have had years of therapy mind you 😃

The book Set Boundaries, Find Peace is well worth a read.

She sounds deranged.
Block and delete.

I'm a similar age to you with similar aged DC. I've been NC with my mother for 4.5 years. She's tried all sorts to get me to relent, but I've stood firm and its one of the best decisions I've ever made.

She will be upset by it, unfortunately there's nothing you can do about that. But I found weighing up all the upset she'd caused me over the last 20+ years, with an unchanging pattern that showed my future to be the same, helped me be okay with it.

I sent a final text, laying out my reasons for going NC and ended it with 'I will not reply to any further messages' to make it clear. There were many subsequent texts and emails, but I eventually blocked them all as it caused me stress to read them.

My children don't miss her. They know about her and I've answered their questions in an appropriate way. She was a nice enough Nan to them directly, but there was still always an undercurrent of undermining me and my choices as a parent in front of them. She's toxic and I needed to protect them from that.

I found the Stately Homes threads on here a huge source of support.

It's tough, but you've got this.

I hope this brings you comfort… One of my biggest regrets is falling for the bullshit line that my kids deserved a relationship with my mother. They don’t remember her as a positive force at all. She didn’t mellow with age - in fact, she got worse. I was so severely traumatized by her behaviour towards me in the lead up to her death that I wish I hadn’t bothered being nearby. I wish I had brought a wooden stake and holy water to her funeral.

Thank you for sharing OP. I'm going to see if I can get my husband to read this thread later, his relationship with his mum is going the same way. There's a 30+ year history of her abusive, manipulative, narcissistic behaviour and he's been on the verge of NC many times before. It's only out of duty he's maintained a relationship this far but it's all kicked off again recently and seems like this might be the final straw

I've been NC with my dad for about 10 years and LC in the decade prior to that. He's incredibly negative, prone to aggressive outbursts and has always been resentful of even the most perfunctory parenting tasks. As an example the big shop was a weekly ordeal when I was a kid and always resulted in a massive row about the cost, as if he didn't realise children required food! He's tried to contact me over the years with birthday and Christmas cards but I've just ignored. Bottom line is I don't feel he adds anything positive to my life. I could spend the rest of my days trying to explain the reasons to him but he lacks the insight and self-awareness to understand it as I believe is common to all parents of the "Stately Home" ilk

Thanks for all the supportive and understanding messages.

I’m sorry to hear so many of us have similar experiences but I know how common it is to suffer abuse from a parent.

Agree with pp that there is no point even trying to have a decent relationship with these people. Under the advice of a therapist I have tried to maintain contact but not get emotionally involved. That just hasn’t worked out for me. The trauma of the past has left me unable to regulate my emotions (I am working on it but not there yet) so seemingly ‘little digs’ actually devastate me.

She wants to see my dc so has asked us to go to her house now. She has absolutely no idea. I think I do need to send that final message but I’m building up to it …

I'm no contact with my mother for similar reasons and any presents she posts to my children go to the charity shop. They don't need her gifts.

In my experience even if you challenge her she will refuse to accept it or apologise. My DM was like that.

I just disengaged with her.

My advice is to not give her the idea that she’s being cut loose because she will kick off and break out all her psychological weapons. Just keep saying “No”. Let her know that whatever she wants doesn’t work for you or your kids. Don’t offer excuses.

well.... you can either reply that you won't be coming to her house, not now, not ever... but that may be too terrifying an idea just yet

You can take the 'easier' route out in saying, "yeah, will let you know..'" and then don't..

although if she is someone who KNOWS she's not welcome in that with her gift/£20 note BS, she KNOWS you don't want her coming and she tricks you into it via your kids, she is likely to see this as a challenge and something for this dog to sink her bones into, in which case you will have to have the Hard Conversation then.

It's of course, as always up to you, this is about you. what you want, what you need, protecting yourself and your kids.

I'm not going to come and visit you mum. not now, not ever, I am bowing out of this relationship, it doesnt do me or my kids any good at all.

perhaps write her a letter you will never send? that helps somtimes too