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Relationships

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Original poster

Just a quick question on how you would react/respond to this...

44 replies

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:03

Boyfriend of 6 months. Known for a few years. Mutual friends.

We usually see each other Fri - Sun evening unless one of us has other plans. Whenever these other plans have arisen (eg seeing friends) we normally give the other a few days notice. We usually alternate weekends at each other's houses.

We usually meet at 6 but confirm an hour or so before hand. Time's usually consistent unless one of us is delayed for 30 mins or so.

Thursday and yesterday he was a bit vague about confirming times and then messaged at 5.30 saying he was going to a friend's first and would come over at 10.30. I said that was too late and I'd see him today instead. Was a bit too late in the day to make other plans so I stayed home.

Then this morning, a mutual friend took something of mine to fix earlier in the week. Something that I need for this evening but ideally wanted back sooner.

I'd heard nothing so messaged mutual friend this morning to ask if he'd managed to do it.

Apparently, he messaged boyfriend on Thursday to tell him it was done and item could be collected. Boyfriend didn't mention it (although why friend messaged him and not me, I don't know... Well I do... 🙄)

He said he'll bring it this evening but friend boyfriend was visiting lives round the corner (literally) and he could have collected it last night. He could have told me so I could have collected it.

Things are generally good. He's coming round this morning (he says) with breakfast.

What would you think of this because I'm really pushed off and want to know if reaction is proportionate or not.

Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:04

Pissed off.

OP posts:

layladomino · 09/04/2022 09:12

I'm not sure I understand what the issue is. Have I understood correctlty - your bf changed plans on Friday evening so you said leave it, and come around tomorrow

this morning you've found out that something you need for tonight was ready for you to collect on Thursday, but bf didn't tell you.

I don't understand what you're upset about?

KimCheese · 09/04/2022 09:16

It's a bit hard to follow but my initial thought is that the way you've set up your routine together means that no one gets any time on the weekend without the other, and that after 6 months it may have become unsustainable and now you're finding it's quite hard to have one of the evenings change?

Not sure I follow the bit about the broken item, feels like a red herring, I think you're worried about the change of plan.

Pinkbonbon · 09/04/2022 09:17

So...you suspect he wasn't actually at that friends house?

It might be that he and your mutual friend were messaging and the item was fixed so mutual friend just said 'oh BTW I've fixed your gfs stuff'. And then your partner said he would take it.

So I wouldn't be mad at mutal pal. Maybe (he?) Thought it more appropriate that your bf take the item to you rather than they meet you privately with it?

But back to bf...maybe he didn't know when you needed it back for, had a few doubts with his pal and forgot all about it. Maybe he wanted a night in to himself videogaming and felt he couldn't say that (which wouldn't be a good sign for the relationship) so said he was at a mates instead. I certainly wouldn't want to spend the whole weekend, every weekend with my partner. Or even, in company. Not after working with ppl all week ar least.

But if you're jumping to the notion that he was off shagging someone...is there prior reason to suspect this? Or is your gut telling you something?

Pinkbonbon · 09/04/2022 09:18

*a few drinks with his pal

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 09:23

I would be annoyed at the last minute change of plan but I don’t really understand the picking up the item bit. And you say you know why he messaged your BF instead of you - why was that?

Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:28

Oh no, no doubt at all he was where he said he was. I know what they were doing. No issue with that either. I wouldn't mind if he'd said he wanted a night in video gaming either.

This is why I'm asking because I'm autistic and find it hard to sort out what is considered ok by others and what is not because of it.

The issue is that I feel he knew he was going to the friends house more than half an hour before he should have been at mine and hadn't told me with enough time to either process the change in plan or make alternative plans.

Yes, the current arrangement would mean there was little time for other people at weekends which is why we have the 'unless one of us has other plans' 'clause' (for want of a better word!) He is very flexible and maybe he wouldn't mind if I cancelled at the last minute for a 'better offer'. Which is how it feels to me. We've usually said if we're not free a day or so in advance before. But I see that that might not always be possible.

The other thing, it was a different friend who fixed it for me. We're all seeing each other this evening and we all know I need the item for then. What we're doing this evening can't happen without it. Other person has previously fixed same item for me and I collected it no issue.

I think the last minute changing plans is difficult for me to process and feels like he hasn't any regard for my time.

If he'd let me know on Thursday or even with more notice it would have been fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:29

And you say you know why he messaged your BF instead of you - why was that?

I think it was because he's The Man. Maybe my boyfriend wouldn't have realised he hadn't told me too.

OP posts:

layladomino · 09/04/2022 09:32

A last minute change of plan is thoughtless and irritating (unless it's unavoidable or very unusual circumstances). If it's a one-off, I wouldn't be too concerned, just make clear that you want to have more warning, so you can also make other plans if you want.

If he makes a habit of it, despite knowing you don't like it, then that's another matter.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 09:34

Sounds like you need to have a chat with him about needing more warning when plans change.

I have an autistic son so I can understand where you are coming from.

And have a chat with your friend about why he is messaging your BF and not you about your item.

Itwasntmeright · 09/04/2022 09:39

Why don’t you just talk to him. Tell him that you find last-minute changes difficult to cope with, and that while you understand sometimes last-minute changes are unavoidable, if he knows in advance you would prefer him to let you know in good time.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 09/04/2022 09:39

I don't think your boyfriend has done anything wrong! No need to be pissed off.
Enjoy the breakfast that your boyfriend brings then go and collect the item you need for later!

Pinkbonbon · 09/04/2022 09:39

It sounds like maybe he didn't get much notice of the full plan either though. Maybe his friend wasn't sure of the time they were meeting until the last minute because he had something to do earlier in the day, first.

As for mutual pal, I'd just tell him next time you speak that bf didn't get your item to you on time *eyeroll. And in future, to come straight to you regarding things that are to do with you.

Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:41

Thank you.

It took everything I have to not delete and block him and all mutual friends from any form of communication bar turning up at my front door last night.

I knew that would been the 'wrong' thing to do but it would have been right for me but not doing it meant that I was sitting with very high anxiety for several hours so I didn't sleep well and now I feel anxious, angry, tired and sad. I think. I have very intense emotions of some sort anyway.

It's not happened before and isn't something they could have put off to another evening.

OP posts:

Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:44

The time was fixed so they would have known that. Even if he hadn't known the exact time, he'd have known it was on the cards.

OP posts:

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 09:45

You did the right thing, it would have been disproportionate to do that in the circumstances. You need to explain that to your BF assuming he’s NT otherwise he won’t get it.

Pinkbonbon · 09/04/2022 09:49

Sounds like the anxiety could be based in insecurity that actually they might be his friends and not yours? Like that they didn't choose you but hang with you because of him? Which I'm sure isn't true but anxiety can make us paranoid.

Might be worthwhile to focus on making and working on friendships of your own rather than mutual friends. So that your inner voice can see you have people who love you outwith that circle.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 09:50

This may resonate with you.

Just a quick question on how you would react/respond to this...

Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:54

@Maybeitstimeforachange

You did the right thing, it would have been disproportionate to do that in the circumstances. You need to explain that to your BF assuming he’s NT otherwise he won’t get it.

He knows I'm autistic but so far he's only seen the endearing side of it... the things that make me a bit quirky and, apparently, 'cute' (that's not just him , everyone says it). He hasn't seen the shutting down or meltdowns or the chaos in my head.

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Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:56

@Pinkbonbon

Might be worthwhile to focus on making and working on friendships of your own rather than mutual friends. So that your inner voice can see you have people who love you outwith that circle.

Thanks but no it's nothing like that. They are more his friends than mine. I've known them for as long as I've known him. He's known some since school (a long time ago!)

I have my own friends but these particular ones are mutual. I wouldn't have expected to be included last night and wouldn't have particularly wanted to be. No issues with that part of it.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 09/04/2022 09:56

Your BF was inconsiderate not to let you know he’d made other plans on the Friday evening, and to assume he could come over late.

But spending every weekend all weekend together without the option of doing spontaneous things alone/with others sounds too much IMO.

The mutual friend not contacting you about the item was down to your friend, and not your BF’s fault.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2022 09:56

I think this is OK to say to him. It’s fine to realise that you have a boundary and need it respected. In your case, that’s knowing 24 hours in advance what’s happening on Friday night (or whatever). Totally reasonable, if a little rigid for those of us who find it easy to go with the flow.

I’m sorry you were upset.

Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:57

@Maybeitstimeforachange

This may resonate with you.

Ha, that really made laugh. Yes, it's truly wonderful! 😆

It's exactly what I've done my whole life. I need to share that aspect with him.

I'm trying not to do it this time but it's bloody hard and physically painful.

OP posts:

Original poster

QuickQuestionForTheVipers · 09/04/2022 09:59

@Loopytiles

Your BF was inconsiderate not to let you know he’d made other plans on the Friday evening, and to assume he could come over late.

But spending every weekend all weekend together without the option of doing spontaneous things alone/with others sounds too much IMO.

The mutual friend not contacting you about the item was down to your friend, and not your BF’s fault.

Yeah, I know all that really. It was just an aging my feelings on it.

I'm glad I posted. He's on his way amd he's going to get a far less frosty reception than he would have otherwise!

Thanks Vipers!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2022 10:00

Do you feel like you’re in a place to discuss it calmly or productively? You sound so self-aware, which is brilliant. But don’t put yourself under too much stress if it’s not in your best interests. You can bring it up (needing a fixed time to change plans) when you feel you can best handle the conversation.

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