Just a quick question on how you would react/respond to this...

[QuickQuestionForTheVipers]

Boyfriend of 6 months. Known for a few years. Mutual friends.

We usually see each other Fri - Sun evening unless one of us has other plans. Whenever these other plans have arisen (eg seeing friends) we normally give the other a few days notice. We usually alternate weekends at each other's houses.

We usually meet at 6 but confirm an hour or so before hand. Time's usually consistent unless one of us is delayed for 30 mins or so.

Thursday and yesterday he was a bit vague about confirming times and then messaged at 5.30 saying he was going to a friend's first and would come over at 10.30. I said that was too late and I'd see him today instead. Was a bit too late in the day to make other plans so I stayed home.

Then this morning, a mutual friend took something of mine to fix earlier in the week. Something that I need for this evening but ideally wanted back sooner.

I'd heard nothing so messaged mutual friend this morning to ask if he'd managed to do it.

Apparently, he messaged boyfriend on Thursday to tell him it was done and item could be collected. Boyfriend didn't mention it (although why friend messaged him and not me, I don't know... Well I do... 🙄)

He said he'll bring it this evening but friend boyfriend was visiting lives round the corner (literally) and he could have collected it last night. He could have told me so I could have collected it.

Things are generally good. He's coming round this morning (he says) with breakfast.

What would you think of this because I'm really pushed off and want to know if reaction is proportionate or not.

Thanks.

Get through tonight and then explain it to him.

Part of one of my email addresses is ‘quirkycute’ sounds like he needs to be educated.

@NoSquirrels

The issue is that I feel he knew he was going to the friends house more than half an hour before he should have been at mine and hadn't told me with enough time to either process the change in plan or make alternative plans.

I think this is OK to say to him. It’s fine to realise that you have a boundary and need it respected. In your case, that’s knowing 24 hours in advance what’s happening on Friday night (or whatever). Totally reasonable, if a little rigid for those of us who find it easy to go with the flow.

I’m sorry you were upset.

Thank you.

Yes I know it would be too rigid for others. If he'd told me it was on the cards then at least I could have prepared a plan B.

I was just looking forward to seeing him. When he told me he was going, I said it was fine because I known that's the right thing. And I want him to be happy and spendntime doing things he loves.

It was just the timing I think.

@Maybeitstimeforachange

Part of one of my email addresses is ‘quirkycute’ sounds like he needs to be educated.

Yes he has said he wants to know everything so he can get it all right. I suppose somethings just don't occur to me until they become an issue.

@NoSquirrels

Do you feel like you’re in a place to discuss it calmly or productively? You sound so self-aware, which is brilliant. But don’t put yourself under too much stress if it’s not in your best interests. You can bring it up (needing a fixed time to change plans) when you feel you can best handle the conversation.

Yes, I'm going to show him the quote that someone posted and take it from there.

Sorry, its on the previous page and can't see the name of the poster right now.

@QuickQuestionForTheVipers he sounds like a good un.

I have phrased that “too rigid” badly - sorry! I’ll try again:

Totally reasonable, and whilst it might initially seem a little rigid for those of us who find it easy to go with the flow, that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t respect it if it’s what you need.

Thank you.

I'm glad you posted too! It sounds like you're ready to have a chat about it. I hope it goes well, but it sounds like it will as he does sound like a good un.

He is.

Also @QuickQuestionForTheVipers I don’t know if you are aware of the neurodiverse mumsnetters board - some of the threads on there maybe of interest to you.

Maybe it would be good for you to always have a plan b? So you have a backup plan if something falls through to help with your anxiety?

Your anxiety isn’t a bad thing, it’s understandable but don’t let it win. It’s another quirk.

Definitely show him the quote!

Tbh, I do have a plan B usually.

I would either go out on my own or do some self care stuff but the lack of notice just sent me into a tailspin and I couldn't do anything. I spent 7 hours just sitting on the sofa unable to move 😕

Wouldn't most people think it inconsiderate to not be told your plans are cancelled 30 mins before when you could have been told it was possible the day before.

I mean that just polite to keep the other updated. Okay then it's your choice to either do something else Friday night or choose to wait in on off chance he becomes free.

But he considered your time to be worthless. Happy for you to be at his beck and call in case his plans fell through.

@QuickQuestionForTheVipers sounds horrid.

@Maybeitstimeforachange

This may resonate with you.

That is brilliant - so true.

I think cancelling last minute is plain rude and not something to tolerate.

Wanting to see other people is fine.

Not being considerate of your time is unacceptable and not to put up with.

Its plain rude and disrespectful.

@SaltedCaramelIcedLatte

I don't think your boyfriend has done anything wrong! No need to be pissed off. Enjoy the breakfast that your boyfriend brings then go and collect the item you need for later!

Coming over at10:30 pm is massively disrespectful though.

I think I’d be pissed off too tbh.
Cancelling plans half an hour before is rude. And suggesting he comes round at 10.30 is a cheek. (Wants a shag probably)
Tell your mutual friend to message you about your fixed item not The Man. It’s yours.