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Original poster

How to sort out finances –unmarried with a kid

51 replies

Tuli666 · 08/04/2022 22:03

Hi all,
I'm hope I am in the right forum, a bit of a long post here..

I was hoping if some of you can help me figure out how to move forward with sorting out finances between me and my partner in a fair way.

We've been together for 12 years and have a three year old daughter. I moved to his house after about a year and a half (no mortgage). He is 14 years older than me, we are both freelancers that work via a 'day rate' and his day rate is twice as much as mine. Both of us were pretty career focused before our daughter arrived.

Quite early in our relationship we (I mean I :) set up a joint account to pay the bills from, we shared everything 50/50 and kept the rest of our money separately.

After our daughter was born my dad gave me some money so I can finally try and become a homeowner. This has proven to be difficult because he already has a home thats worth more than ten times the money my dad gave me. So this money had been sitting in my account rotting.

Before I had my daughter I saved up enough money to be able to have about a years worth of maternity leave (as I am self employed). My partner was meant to only work part time but ended up working for three months while I was at home with a newborn.
After that he took time off and then covid hit and we both didn't have work and our daughter couldn't start childcare. During that time he put much more into our joint account than me.

The past year we both started working again and we are struggling to work at the same time, as both of our jobs are demanding so we would need to have a nanny which we don't want to do. So I am the one who is giving up work most of the time both because I like to take care of our daughter more, and that he earns more than me.
However, his work demands he travels so then I end up dealing with everything by myself, and we don't even share our money..
We put in unequal parts (75% him and 25% me) into our joint account each month to cover our outgoings but he makes a lot more than that which just stays in his limited company.
So I am quite annoyed at this stage, both for the short term and long term. At this rate I will never be able to own my own home, and he just keeps saving more while I take care of our daughter. He says this money is for us both but I have no access to it, and there is absolutely no future security for me with this arrangement.

I don't really know how to deal with it especially as he has a limited company and taking a higher salary means paying more tax for 'nothing'.

I think there are two issues here: home ownership and splitting our earning / time.
Any ideas would be very appreciated.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 08/04/2022 22:07

Get married?

VanCleefArpels · 08/04/2022 22:15

Get married. Get married. Get married. You are in such a precarious position as you are now. I’d also question why after 12 years and a child you have not combined finances more than you have already.

And make wills if you haven’t already. You will not inherit anything if he goes under the proverbial bus tomorrow. Your child will.

Turningpurple · 08/04/2022 22:17

What's the reason you haven't got married?

Original poster
Tuli666 · 08/04/2022 22:23

I am don't really want to get married, I always disliked the whole thing and if I did it, it would be solely for the financial side of it, which feels so transactional.
I would potentially consider a civil partnership, but not sure if it has the same benefits.
Are there other ways of sorting this apart from getting married?

Thank you all for reading such a long post!

OP posts:
SallyMcNally · 08/04/2022 22:28

Civil partnership has exactly the same benefits so go for that if you don't like the idea of marriage.

Otherwise I think he's got to step up to his fair share of parenting, pay for a nanny, or start compensating your for your lost work time.

DistrictCommissioner · 08/04/2022 22:36

I got married for the financial benefit.

It doesn’t solve everything, but it solves some aspects.

FinallyHere · 08/04/2022 22:37

if I did it, it would be solely for the financial side of it

Solely for the financial side, get married to the father of your DC. As the financially weaker partner, marriage provides you with some security in the face of the hit your career and earning power will take from having a child.

VanCleefArpels · 08/04/2022 22:39

Marriage is the best protection in all sorts of ways. It’s a way to protect yourself especially if you are the lesser earner. If your partner hasn’t been willing to create shared responsibility for work and money and childcare in 12 years is he really going to change now?

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 08/04/2022 22:41

It's really stupid and selfdefeating to complain about financial disadvantage.while simultaneous refusing to take the simple and obvious steps that would reduce said financial disadvantage.

Get married. And/or either put your DC into childcare or accept that not doing so makes you effectively a SAHM.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 08/04/2022 22:42

With respect, you can;t come on here because you’ve realised you’re financially disadvantaged and insecure in your relationship, and then reject the best solution because it would be transactional.

You have two problems

  • the day to day problem of not having as much personal disposable income or ability to save as him, which is not fair
  • the ‘what if we split’ problem, which might seem unlikely but believe me resentment over financial unfairness can really sour a relationship.

Civil partnership will give you the same protection as marriage (I believe).

What’s his perspective?

RoyKentsChestHair · 08/04/2022 22:45

Easy for everyone to say get married, but the financial protection you gain is his loss so he’s not going to want to. He’s shown that he doesn’t care that you’re losing money while bringing up his child as he earns money.

The sensible thing would be for you to become an employee of his company and then split the money he takes out of the business between you to save tax. The whole benefit of working for yourself is to be able to set things up to your advantage - you both need to speak to a good accountant and/or financial advisor and work out a way that you can both maximise your income in a way that’s fair to both.

Viviennemary · 08/04/2022 22:49

Cant you buy a house or flat and let it out.

Turningpurple · 08/04/2022 22:49

Op I get nor wanting to married. I dont either.

The reason being that I have a lot more money and assets than my partner. I earn more as well. Not getting married is the best way I can protect those for my children.

The difference is that me and dp aren't having kids (I have 2) and so neither of our earning potenials are being damaged. Dp isnt sacrificing anything. I would marry him if he was, because I wouldn't feel it was right for him to take that risk without protection.

In your situation you are taking a financial hit while he keeps everything all in his name. If you split what do you actually have in your name?

The best way is marriage.

You could get him to sign over part of the house. Buy a part off him if needed. Get the davungs in joint names. Ideally some in yours. You also need to see solicitors to see what's the best way to set up your shared ownership. Get wills (though he could change his and you may nor ne entitled to it) and check with solicitors, of what other things you should do.

Its immensely easier and more secure to marry if you want to share finances. Especially if one dies.

Fireflygal · 08/04/2022 22:50

How old are you? If you have no pension you need to start chucking large amounts in and consider this "bills". You either have to marry or he transfers a large sum to you or accept you need to step up your earnings.

You can't take a stand on marriage and want to be more of the SAHP. They are mutually exclusive. Do you have enough deposit to buy a small place of your own?

In the event he decides the relationship is over you will get 10% max of whatever salary he declares. Look up CMS, it's tiny if you factor in reduction for nights. That's all you would have after all the years together.

Given he will retire earlier than you, it's unlikely you can even rely on CMS.

What is the situation regarding a Will?

Littlebird43 · 08/04/2022 23:03

Could you try suggesting that you each take an equal amount of personal money then everything else is shared?

This could suit you both - you might not always be the lower earning partner! Maternity leave gave me time to think about my career and a lot of confidence to take risks. I applied for a new job when I went back to work and doubled my salary while my dh's career stalled.

Maybe you could consider a marriage ceremony just involves you, your DH and DC - binding your family together?

Original poster
Tuli666 · 08/04/2022 23:42

To be honest, I didn't even think marriage can solve these things.
The money he earns is in his company, can marriage help with that?
The house he bought years before we even met, that will always just be his I believe.

I could potentially buy a flat and let it out like someone has suggested.

And taking a salary from his company is another idea that I haven't thought about so thanks for that.

Someone asked what's his stance, we've been having some talks about it recently and he is willing to change the way we do things but we are not sure exactly how. This is partially why I wrote here. I think he is reluctant to just gift me half of the house which is understandable, but he is willing to come to a new agreement about our earning, but worried about taking all the money out of his company.
He is generally VERY laid back about everything and doesn't quite get why I am so bothered by it all as we have everything we need day to day.

I think we are both a bit naive and didn't really think about these things properly before.

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 08/04/2022 23:52

Of course he’s laid back, he can afford to be. He is Has a large pension, is a home owner , is better paid, is richer and does more of the well paid paid high status work.

You have no pension, no home, earn less, have less savings and do more of the unpaid low status work.

If you split up then you will have a child to care for so will:have to fit your work around that and pay for childcare. While he will continue to fit his parenting around his work.

Of course he doesn’t see what the problem is - because he’s not the one with the problem. You and your child have the problem.

RantyAunty · 09/04/2022 00:13

Do you both do the same type of freelancing?

Original poster
Tuli666 · 09/04/2022 00:19

Not the same, but similar industries.

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 09/04/2022 00:26

Has he written a will? If not and he dies unexpectedly you will be potentially homeless.

bluebird3 · 09/04/2022 00:38

If you don't want to get married then at the very least he should pay you for days you watch your daughter. It should be more than your day rate to make up for lost income but also lost career progression and pension contributions. Household bills should be split as a percentage of overall income rather than 50/50.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2022 00:39

Civil partnership pronto.

Get a nanny. You can’t really afford not to.

Put plenty of money into your own pension and invest your savings from your dad in either a BTL in your name or a stocks and shares ISA.

If he’s not a bastard he’ll be happy with the above.

Marriage or civil partnership is legally just a financial security transaction really. Forget about hearts and flowers and all that. You don’t need to worry about that, just get it done.

Fireflygal · 09/04/2022 09:22

The money he earns is in his company, can marriage help with that?
The house he bought years before we even met, that will always just be his I believe

Once you are married his assets become part of the martial pot, because you have a child & length of time together. Without marriage you have no protection so his house and company are off limits.

You are in a dire financial position - should anything happen to your relationship (even his death) you are treated as a girlfriend only. No financial ties or responsibility.

Please look up the CMS figures on the calculator. Put in his salary and see how much money you would have each month to house, feed, pay bills for yourself and daughter.

As others said he can afford to appear laid back BUT he is extremely shrewd with money as he is building up money in his company rather than pay into your pension. Without marriage it's fenced off. Why do you think he is keeping money in the company, Its for his future and only his current kindness is keeping you housed.

Please wake up to the reality of your situation. Get savings, a pension and some house ownership pronto or get married.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/04/2022 09:27

Why not become a joint director and shareholder of his company? You'd be entitled to dividends and a share if the business should you spilt.

layladomino · 09/04/2022 09:39

Yes I'd be laid back in his position!

Your earning potential, and your ability to save, have been impacted by having children. He's continued to earn, to build business, to put away money, to invest in his property and his pension.

It's good that you're asking the question now. I echo PP - get married, or civil partnership. It might not answer all your questions but it will take you a long way.