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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to sort out finances –unmarried with a kid

51 replies

Tuli666 · 08/04/2022 22:03

Hi all,
I'm hope I am in the right forum, a bit of a long post here..

I was hoping if some of you can help me figure out how to move forward with sorting out finances between me and my partner in a fair way.

We've been together for 12 years and have a three year old daughter. I moved to his house after about a year and a half (no mortgage). He is 14 years older than me, we are both freelancers that work via a 'day rate' and his day rate is twice as much as mine. Both of us were pretty career focused before our daughter arrived.

Quite early in our relationship we (I mean I :) set up a joint account to pay the bills from, we shared everything 50/50 and kept the rest of our money separately.

After our daughter was born my dad gave me some money so I can finally try and become a homeowner. This has proven to be difficult because he already has a home thats worth more than ten times the money my dad gave me. So this money had been sitting in my account rotting.

Before I had my daughter I saved up enough money to be able to have about a years worth of maternity leave (as I am self employed). My partner was meant to only work part time but ended up working for three months while I was at home with a newborn.
After that he took time off and then covid hit and we both didn't have work and our daughter couldn't start childcare. During that time he put much more into our joint account than me.

The past year we both started working again and we are struggling to work at the same time, as both of our jobs are demanding so we would need to have a nanny which we don't want to do. So I am the one who is giving up work most of the time both because I like to take care of our daughter more, and that he earns more than me.
However, his work demands he travels so then I end up dealing with everything by myself, and we don't even share our money..
We put in unequal parts (75% him and 25% me) into our joint account each month to cover our outgoings but he makes a lot more than that which just stays in his limited company.
So I am quite annoyed at this stage, both for the short term and long term. At this rate I will never be able to own my own home, and he just keeps saving more while I take care of our daughter. He says this money is for us both but I have no access to it, and there is absolutely no future security for me with this arrangement.

I don't really know how to deal with it especially as he has a limited company and taking a higher salary means paying more tax for 'nothing'.

I think there are two issues here: home ownership and splitting our earning / time.
Any ideas would be very appreciated.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 11:27

@layladomino

Yes I'd be laid back in his position!

Your earning potential, and your ability to save, have been impacted by having children. He's continued to earn, to build business, to put away money, to invest in his property and his pension.

It's good that you're asking the question now. I echo PP - get married, or civil partnership. It might not answer all your questions but it will take you a long way.

This.

He's not THAT laid back.

He is doing just fine whilst having your daughter has screwed you financially.

You are massively out of pocket whilst he is doing very well, thank you very much.

Tot up how much you have lost out income wise since having your daughter.

Tot up how much his savings have increased.

If he is so laid back🙄, he should have absolutely no problem compensating you.

If he doesn't, perhaps the penny might finally drop that you are being screwed over.

That you have contributed ANY money since having the baby and doing everything childcare wise is a disgrace when he is so well off.

Wise up OP.

He's not laid back.

ItsYabbaDabbaDoTime · 09/04/2022 11:48

If you get a civil partnership now, owing to the length of your relationship you would if you split up, be entitled to at least half of the equity in the house, half of all savings and half his pension.

Fireflygal · 09/04/2022 11:49

I think we are both a bit naive and didn't really think about these things properly before

I don't think he is naive at all. He has set up as a limited company, assume you are a sole trader, takes a low salary to pay less tax and allowed you to pay for maternity leave. Please don't be grateful for him contributing 75% of costs. If you were not living there he would be paying 100% of costs plus CMS.

M0RVEN · 09/04/2022 13:36

@Fireflygal

I think we are both a bit naive and didn't really think about these things properly before

I agree. He’s very financially astute under his veneer of being laid back.

Original poster

Tuli666 · 09/04/2022 13:38

Thank you everyone for all the replies. I have taken notes and will think about it independently before I suggest anything else to him.

I think he would definitely be up for splitting his earning / company if we found a way that is not wasting it on tax, like some suggested maybe become a director of his company.

I don't think any of this is being a bad person, we are both a bit head in the cloud when it comes to finances (he doesn't even have a pension, and he is 56, we are both the arty type) and made plenty of financial mistakes for lack of understanding.
We've made wills ourselves (online) but that was quite a few years ago before we had a daughter.

I guess I need help from a professional before I decide about getting married (I would like to try and avoid marriage unless there is no other good solution, there are plenty of unmarried people around me, I wonder what they do).

Would that be a solicitor? what kind? I had a look at financial planners online this morning but from what I read it is not exactly what I need either.

I got really anxious after reading all the responses here and feel like a bit of an idiot to be honest.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tuli666 · 09/04/2022 14:49

@DistrictCommissioner

I got married for the financial benefit.

It doesn’t solve everything, but it solves some aspects.

Can I please ask you what aspects will it solve and what it won't? I am starting to think that maybe a civil partnership is the solution after everyone's responses. Thank you.

OP posts:

Autumn42 · 09/04/2022 15:03

Get a civil partnership if you don’t want to get married. Otherwise become a living apart together couple, but your own house and have him responsible for 3.5 days a week of her care and 50% of all her general upbringing costs or CMS arrangement

Autumn42 · 09/04/2022 15:04

buy

Autumn42 · 09/04/2022 15:10

Can I please ask you what aspects will it solve and what it won't?
I am starting to think that maybe a civil partnership is the solution after everyone's responses. Thank you.

… well the division of labour won’t matter so much anymore as you should in theory both be entitled to any wealth built up within that partnership if you were to separate later

VanCleefArpels · 09/04/2022 16:58

You might want to revisit your Wills now you have a child - you may wish to specify who cares for your daughter should you (both?) die before she reaches adulthood.

NewandNotImproved · 09/04/2022 17:44

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences
Don’t sacrifice your earnings and pension contributions to raise the kid of a boyfriend. You’ve chosen to have zero legal protections, and the wills can be changed at any time. I find it shocking how many women put themselves in this situation, did you not research the legal protections of marriage before you had a kid? Thought about what you’d do if he died tomorrow?

Original poster

Tuli666 · 16/11/2022 21:00

Hello everyone,
I realise this is an old thread, but just in case anyone is still following or finding it in a search, I wanted to follow it up.

So, after all the responses here I got a bit alarmed and did more research and eventually realised that yes, you are right, and we should probably get married / get a civil partnership.

So, reluctantly, we did.
It's not what I wanted originally but I am now glad we did. Civil partnership was a bigger deal than what I thought (I imagined it would be just signing some papers in an office but it was more than that) but at the end of the day it was just a few hours of our time.

My partner had absolutely no problem doing any of the things that I suggested and in fact, he (and I) seem happier about our setup now. We are sharing all of our monies and I am not working at all at the moment (we will probably take it in turns, which makes more sense now).

So for anyone else in the same situation I would recommend doing it. I didn't find a better day to deal with these issues.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 16/11/2022 21:04

Become 50/50 shareholders and both Freelance through the same company

Thatnameistaken · 16/11/2022 21:18

My DP and I had a civil partnership ceremony this summer for the same reasons, although I was already on the deeds for the house it gave me security as the lower earner re his pension etc.
I know what you mean about a CP being a bigger deal than you expect, we rocked up in jeans to find we had to make a verbal declaration, and don't know who was more bemused, us or the registrars 😂
It'll give you peace of mind though

emptythelitterbox · 16/11/2022 23:25

congratulations OP!
Happy that it has worked out well for you both

Dashel · 17/11/2022 07:03

Have you both looked into your pensions now?

Aprilx · 17/11/2022 07:46

You don’t want to get married, you don’t want to work full time or use childcare. It is unsurprising that you are in a dire financial position. Unmarried you should not have given up full time work, it is financial suicide. You need to pick one of these things.

Aprilx · 17/11/2022 07:48

Aprilx · 17/11/2022 07:46

Ignore me. I read the whole first page and thought I had the full story!

Glad it is sorted anyway.

Artemi · 17/11/2022 08:07

Congratulations OP!

Thanks for coming back and updating and I'm glad everything is working out :)

Slanty · 17/11/2022 09:14

That’s a great update- well done!

Can I ask why you were so resistant to marriage in the first place?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/11/2022 09:20

That’s great news! Well done both of you.

Allsnotwell · 17/11/2022 09:28

Congratulations!

We got married for the same reasons - 3 kids
we eloped so it wasn’t a big deal to get married.

I have the same name as my children, I get financial security if anything happens and can advocate for him if needed, and him me!

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 17/11/2022 12:18

I got married in a registry office, for 3 main reasons,

I hated my surname and couldn't wait to change it
we wanted kids, would have to have fertility treatment and being married back then would help our 'case'
tax breaks and financial / legal protection.

Got dressed up, drove to registry office, got married, drove home, had a huge party in our back garden, job done!
Still married 20+years later!

astronewt · 17/11/2022 12:33

Congratulations 🙂

Marriage and indeed civil partnership can be many things, but at its heart it's a legal and financial structure set up for the efficient and, as much as possible, fair sharing of assets to enable the raising of a family.

BloodAndFire · 17/11/2022 13:33

I am don't really want to get married, I always disliked the whole thing and if I did it, it would be solely for the financial side of it, which feels so transactional.

Marriage is transactional. So is your whole thread. How convenient for him that you dislike it. Get married. Then you won't have to do all this dicking about with percentages going into joint accounts, and you won't end up broke and homeless if he dies or decides he doesn't want to be with you any more.

Refusing to do it for no good reason is just putting yourself and your child in a really precarious situation for absolutely no reason.

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