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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting married in two months and having doubts

29 replies

southernanchor · 08/04/2022 11:33

This is my first time posting on here but I feel in an emotional dilemma that I'm not sure where to turn.
I am getting married in two months' time. We have recently bought a house together and have a happy relationship. We have been together for 12 years with a break of about 18 months in between. I originally called off our relationship quite suddenly because I wasn't sure I was 'in love' -- I didn't feel physically attracted to him and didn't really want/enjoy sex. He felt more like my best friend or brother.
When we split up we still kept in touch, which I realise now was a mistake. I saw other people but he didn't. I think I kept him there as a safety net. We had a conversation, which led us to get back together that felt a bit like an ultimatum -- we get back together or we never see eachother again. I couldn't imagine my life without him, and so we got back together.
We are still best friends, and get on so so well, we hardly ever argue. However, the sexual attraction is still missing. I don't know whether I am aspiring to a love/relationship that does not exist, but I really want to be in a partnership where I feel lust. I am attracted to other people, and have cheated when drunk. I feel terrible about it, and can't imagine what telling him would do to him -- I really don't want to hurt him, or for him to realise who I really am.
I have told him that I am starting to have doubts about getting married, and that we should get counselling, which he has agreed to. I am now not sure what to do. I feel like I really need to be completely honest with him, but I just don't know how to be. I also don't know what the hell is going on with me and why I am not satisfied with someone who just wants to give me the world.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 08/04/2022 11:48

I’d say for his sake please don’t marry him, he doesn’t deserve to be with someone that doesn’t find him attractive and cheats on him. Sorry if that’s harsh as I know you don’t want to hurt him but ultimately you will and it will be worse as time goes on.

Goatlady5812 · 08/04/2022 11:48

Following this with great interest. In my humble opinion getting married would absolutely not be the right thing to do- you’ve cheated and also you are having counselling? That’s no way to enter a marriage sadly. Whilst I understand the safety net I don’t think that’s fair to your partner? Effectively that’s keeping him hanging on which is cruel. I think deep down you know the answer but 12 years is an awful long time but I think you are scared of losing what you describe as your best friend which while that is understandable is no reason to get married and stay. X

sleepymum50 · 08/04/2022 12:02

I think you should at least delay the wedding. Your first priority should be to go for individual counselling to sort your own feelings out.
Then either in tandem or later couples counselling.

Don’t think of it as an all or nothing decision. Postpone the wedding, get the therapy, then make the decision.

Counselling is expensive. Therapists with qualifications are in the £100+ per session. However it is worth it in the long term, and if you have to sacrifice a holiday, savings etc - do it.

I am assuming you work and don’t have kids as I understand that for many women this expense is beyond their means.

You’ve admitted that you are being unfair on your partner, so do this for him, as well as yourself.

anonng1987 · 08/04/2022 12:08

I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago. I was with my ex for 12 years, we were best friends but lacked sexual attraction and our sex life was non existent. I didn't cheat but I was tempted. We ended up getting married (probably just because it felt like the right thing to do after being together for so long) and then 9 months later I ended it because I wanted children but realised that was never going to happen with him. We were best friends, but that for me was it. I am sure being best friends with your partner is a great thing, so long as you have the attraction and sex life to go along with it. I personally wouldn't recommend marrying him based on my experience, although I appreciate every relationship is different!
I hope whatever you decide to do it works out for you x

HaggisBurger · 08/04/2022 12:13

Don’t marry him. You want more

Quitelikeit · 08/04/2022 12:15

Lust never remains in long term relationships you have to work hard to create it especially after ten years plus. The grass is greener where you water it

GoodSoup · 08/04/2022 12:39

You need to leave. You aren’t being fair to him at all.

You going to spend the rest of your life cheating on him every time you get drunk? He deserves more.

spaceman1 · 08/04/2022 12:40

100% leave

girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 12:43

You're not in love with him. You're not attracted to him. He doesn't make you happy. You cheat on him.

OP if he was your best friend truly and genuinely you wouldn't treat him this way.

Please end the relationship.

Motnight · 08/04/2022 12:47

Leave him and explain that he should take an STI test.

Nnique · 08/04/2022 12:50

Don’t get married. It isn’t right for you and it’s certainly not right for him.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 08/04/2022 12:53

You can't marry him morally.
It's unfair in both of you.
He has a right to an emotionally fulfilling and loyal relationship.
So do you.
You bring neither to the table.

LittleRedRidingHood187 · 08/04/2022 12:53

You've previously cheated on him. Move on and do him a favor

billy1966 · 08/04/2022 12:54

You are compromising and you aren't in love with him.

You will bitterly regret marrying him if you do.

It will be a disaster.

Break it off.

Tell him you love him but realise you are not in love with him.

Don't mention being unfaithful as that will cause him unnecessary pain.

Be kind but firm.
Don't marry him.

It's not kind to go ahead with this.

GoodSoup · 08/04/2022 13:08

You’re just messing with his head.

He’s comfortable, a habit. But you aren’t thinking about him at all, it’s all about you.

user1471457751 · 08/04/2022 14:22

You've basically used him as a safety net for years. Perhaps start treating him with respect by breaking up with him and telling him the truth. He deserves to know how badly you've treated him

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/04/2022 14:28

You’re already hurting him. Not sure why you think you’re not?

He deserves way way better and you need to stop being selfish and using him because you’re scared to be alone. Tell him it’s over. Don’t do the love you but not in love with you thing, I think that’s really unfair. Tell him you’ve realised you don’t see a future with him and insist it’s over and you’re moving out/selling the house etc. Be certain, be serious, move quickly and set him free.

I’m quite shocked by your attitude tbh, it’s really heartless to be stringing him along like this and cheating on him while he thinks he’s with someone who shares his dreams and with whom he thinks he’s planning his future. He hasn’t done anything wrong and you’re treating him horrible. Poor bloke.

Bookworm20 · 08/04/2022 14:34

@girlmom21

You're not in love with him. You're not attracted to him. He doesn't make you happy. You cheat on him.

OP if he was your best friend truly and genuinely you wouldn't treat him this way.

Please end the relationship.

OP if he was your best friend truly and genuinely you wouldn't treat him this way.

Even if he was a regular friend he shouldn't be treated in this way.
Leave him. Poor Bloke.

traintraveller · 08/04/2022 15:49

You need to let him go instead of stringing him along. And getting him to go to counselling when you are shagging other people. Unbelievable.

something2say · 08/04/2022 15:55

Well I think everyone saying the same thing pretty much covers it!!

I'd add though....sexual attraction is important. Yes it may change as we age, but its important for it to be there.

Be brave. Get help to call off the wedding itself, friends can help with that. Obvs break the relationship off face to face. And then you'll face this summer as a single woman.

It's not good to compromise the self because the truth is too hard to face up to. It is hard yes, but it's also good and right. You will feel better soon. X

Sunnytwobridges · 08/04/2022 16:12

I felt the same about my ex. He was like my best friend but I had no sexual attraction to him, although he was extremely sexually attracted to me. Which made it worse because I wish I felt the same.

I never cheated but I never had the opportunity so maybe I would've if I did. I stayed with him for years as he became a "habit" to me and like you he told me it was all or nothing so if we split he didn't even want to be friends anymore. So I stuck in there for a couple more years but when it started to feel like I was having sex with my brother I had to end it, it was horrible for me to stay with him and unfair to him. He really needed to be with someone that desired him in the same way, and it wasn't me as much as I wanted it to be.

RoyKentsChestHair · 08/04/2022 16:18

First things first. Don’t waste your time and money on counselling if you’re not prepared to be 100% honest. Talking with a professional about your doubts might be a good thing to do alone, but there’s absolutely no point in going together and then withholding vital information about how you feel and how you’ve treated him.

Part of me thinks that you should be happy to have someone who you consider to be your best friend and that the spark is bound to have dulled a bit over the years. But the other part recognises that sex IS important, as your cheating has demonstrated. Without it you can’t have a full relationship and will seek it elsewhere.

You have to bite the bullet as either way he deserves to have all the facts before he commits to you. That way you can work as partners to find the best way forward whether that’s splitting or working on things. And if he can’t forgive you and you split up, that will probably be best for you both anyway. Not everyone is meant to be with you forever.

Original poster
southernanchor · 08/04/2022 16:26

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I really appreciate it. This is not an excuse, and I admit I have treated him terribly, but when I say 'cheated', I kissed someone else when I was black out drunk. I didn't realise this happened, and am mortified when I was told that I would behave like this. You are right though. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and he also deserves the truth, I just can't fathom the reality of doing so.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2022 16:28

It would be so, so cruel of you to marry this man. Or stay with him at all.

Please don't be that person to stay with him just because he's a safe fallback.

End the relationship so that he has the chance to meet someone who feels the same about him as he does about you.

Anything else is cruel.

Nnique · 08/04/2022 16:31

It’ll never work.

And you’re not in the wrong, either, for wanting to have that lust/attraction/sexual desire in relation to the man you’re with! For some people it’s not so important and of course that’s fine too. But for others it is a very important aspect of a relationship and without it there is always, always something missing or ‘wrong’ and it’s just not ever going to be healthy, truly good for you or truly good for the person you’re with, who deserves to be with someone that loves them completely and with passion.

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