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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice- struggling to cope with MIL

28 replies

dogsandcoffee · 08/04/2022 11:10

My dh’s relationship with his mother has been on a downhill slope for years and years. It’s now got to the point where he has told her he doesn’t want to see her anymore.

For a bit of background, her treatment of him is bizarre. She comes round and makes nasty comments about our house/ our parenting/ our food/ our children not doing the 11 plus/ etc etc etc and it’s horribly awkward when she’s here, but it’s like she has no consciousness of it and wants to come round constantly, then cries and uses dreadful manipulation if we say no. When, for example, we moved half an hour away she phoned us up and wailed down the phone about how we have abandoned her and started bringing up dh’s beloved deceased dad, which really upset him.

Anyway, back to now. She left it a few weeks after dh said no more contact and then went back to emailing him as if nothing had happened, asking to meet up at Easter. I stupidly offered to take on the burden of her emails as he is stressed out of his mind with her constant messages to him asking him to call her or come round. (She is blocked on his phone).

I’m now getting battered with emails instead. I said to her that she needs to respect his wishes and leave him alone. I got a manipulative email back saying dh is obviously mentally unwell and she hopes I get him the help he needs!! Confused

I simple replied saying he is fine thanks and to respect his wishes and that I won’t engage with her further.

Personally I think we need to block her on email too but dh thinks we need to read her emails in case she threatens us with legal action over seeing dc.

I’m now horribly anxious waiting for her next email to drop!

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 08/04/2022 11:16

If she threatens you with legal action, then a letter will come which you can also choose to ignore.

If reading her emails makes you both stressed then stop doing it. Don't open them. Put them straight into the SPAM or TRASH folder.

Original poster
dogsandcoffee · 08/04/2022 11:46

But what happens if we ignore a threat of legal action? And does she have a leg to stand on?

OP posts:
DoubleShotEspresso · 08/04/2022 11:49

@dogsandcoffee

But what happens if we ignore a threat of legal action? And does she have a leg to stand on?
If she contacts you again reply stating that you'll be unable to receive or access any further emails and that if/when your DH is ready and willing he will initiate his own contact. In the meantime you politely request she ceases in further communications.
AtlasPine · 08/04/2022 11:49

What legal action can a grandparent who has never had parental responsibility for their grandchild take against the parents? I don’t think she has any power unless you have had previous legal issues regarding her taking responsibility for them.

weathervane1 · 08/04/2022 11:52

I have been in exactly the same situation. When my parents threatened legal action for the same reasons, I called their bluff and got a court order for harassment against them. 24 peaceful years later....

There is actually.l no legal action they can take.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2022 11:56

Block all her methods of she being able to contact you both, neither of you need to read her email rantings. Do not JADE i.e justify, argue, defend or explain anything. Any further communication from you invites a response and that door needs to be firmly closed.

The onus would be very much on her to prove that a relationship with the grandchildren is beneficial if she was to at all pursue legal action. She from what you have written cannot do this.

I would also suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward. Your DH could read Toxic Parents by the same author.

AlisonDonut · 08/04/2022 11:56

@dogsandcoffee

But what happens if we ignore a threat of legal action? And does she have a leg to stand on?
A threat of legal action is just that - a threat.

What legal action could she take? You have evidence that she is ignoring the no contact request. You are fully entitled to choose who your kids get to spend time with.

Cyw2018 · 08/04/2022 12:04

My understanding of grandparents rights, is that they are rarely succesful in circumstances like yours where her own Son has gone no contact due to emotional abuse, afterall why should your child be put at risk of the same abuse. I think grandparents have tried to bring cases in circumstances similar to yours, but I don't think success rates are high at all in favour of the grandparent.

From what i have read successful grandparents rights cases are generally where a parent has died and the surviving parent attempts to cut out their in-laws who have an established relationship with the child.

I think you are overthinking this. Just save/ screen shot existing messages, block the emails, and keep a diary of any attempted contact from MIL.

layladomino · 08/04/2022 12:44

I very much doubt she would have any grounds for legal actions, but if she wanted to do that you would receive a letter not an email.

billy1966 · 08/04/2022 12:56

@weathervane1

I have been in exactly the same situation. When my parents threatened legal action for the same reasons, I called their bluff and got a court order for harassment against them. 24 peaceful years later....

There is actually.l no legal action they can take.

There you go.

Respect and support your husband.

Block her on everything and enjoy the peace.

Original poster
dogsandcoffee · 08/04/2022 13:10

@weathervane1 how did you go about getting the court order? What grounds did you have?

OP posts:
weathervane1 · 09/04/2022 08:14

I saw a solicitor and showed him all of the texts, letters filled with hate and accusations, the pictures of her camping out in the car outside the house at all hours, described the feeling of anxiety that we felt when she turned up, detailed the occasions when she followed me to work and demanded to speak to me despite being at work.... etc. In other words I was armed and ready to defend my case and our right to live a peaceful life. It was surprisingly easy all those years ago.

Original poster
dogsandcoffee · 09/04/2022 09:21

Despite me asking her to leave us alone three times now I’m still getting nasty emails from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogsandcoffee · 09/04/2022 09:25

I just told her any further emails from her would be regarded as harassment.

OP posts:
HumourReplacementTherapy · 09/04/2022 09:43

Block her then? She force you to read them or see her you know?

HumourReplacementTherapy · 09/04/2022 09:44

And get a ring doorbell ASAP Smile

HumourReplacementTherapy · 09/04/2022 09:44

She can't force you to read them or see her you know?
Half asleep sorry.

Original poster
dogsandcoffee · 09/04/2022 10:15

I’ve just blocker her on my email and told dh to do the same. Now she’ll send us letters through the post.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/04/2022 10:19

She has no legal right to see her grandchildren. I think if a grandmother brought up her grandchildren for a long time and then the parents took them back, there would be a different case, but not in your situation.

FlipFlops4Me · 09/04/2022 10:19

@dogsandcoffee

I’ve just blocker her on my email and told dh to do the same. Now she’ll send us letters through the post.
Which you can tear up, unopened. The envelope is an invitation to read the contents, not an order.

Simples.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/04/2022 10:27

Shred those too without opening. Do not respond to anything that is sent.

billy1966 · 09/04/2022 10:39

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Shred those too without opening. Do not respond to anything that is sent.
This.

Not necessary to mention them to your husband.

Call 101 for advice if she continues to harrass you and your family.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 10:43

Take a pic of the envelope of any mail then bin unopened.. She has no legal claim to your dc unless you lived with her +dc and she had regular unsupervised contact. She would have to convince first a solicitor that there was such a relationship longstanding and a judge that the end of such a relationship was detrimental to the dc.. Block in all ways.

Original poster
dogsandcoffee · 09/04/2022 12:05

A parcel just came for her with Easter stuff in for dc. I opened it and there was a letter inside for them. It said ‘please persuade mummy and daddy to let me visit’. 😡

No I didn’t give it to them obviously.

She’s got it in her head that we are evil people who are seperated her from her gc but they can’t stand her and grit their teeth through her visits- she says weird things to them and is really awkward to be around.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogsandcoffee · 09/04/2022 12:05

All post will either be binned or sent back from now on.

OP posts: