Are these my options as a single 30-something?

[Baroquemason]

In the middle of a divorce and wondering if this is affecting my outlook or whether my options really are this bleak!

Marriage has sadly come to an end and whilst I would like to rectify things, DH feels it is beyond saving and I have to respect that. He has recently moved on with someone new and I'm trying to make peace with that and take tentative steps towards doing the same.

I'm early 30's, own my own home, have a good job and am very independent. I'm easygoing and take care of myself, scrubbing up well for dates etc. All of my friends are still married and on baby no.2 and I work in a female-dominated industry, so I have little hope of meeting men in real life. I joined a dating app a few days ago for the first time in my life and I can honestly say it was the most bleak experience I've had in years. I added some nice, recent photos, wrote a thoughtfully worded but "bright and breezy" intro and was open-minded about who I matched with, prioritising personality and the content of their bio over superficial looks alone.

I think it took me all of 72 hours and a couple of dates to discover that most single men of my age appear to genuinely dislike women and fall into one of the following categories:-

1. Those who think sending you dick-pics and innuendos about how they like to "get their hands dirty" is a legitimate chat-up line.
2. Those who clearly have no actual desire to meet up in real life. They would rather bombard you with tedious voice-notes all day long and be completely non-committal about going for a coffee....despite living all of 5 miles away.
3. Those who take themselves so seriously that they think it's OK to skip all the light, getting-to-know-you chat and drill you on things like what your "attachment style" and love-language is, the unspoken threat being that if you fail any of their tests you will not be deemed worthy of a date...

Of the men I've spoken with, most of them come across as narrow-minded, rigid and self-obsessed.

I went on a date a couple of nights ago with someone who accused me of "not disclosing" that I'm a vegetarian in my bio...

What. The. Actual. F*ck.

I like to think I'm a good date!! I dress up well, am naturally curious and ask lots of questions about my date's interests, I have a good sense of humour and the ability to laugh at myself, I don't mind going dutch on drinks etc. I never speak badly of my ex and I can honestly say I've managed not to bring any bitterness or hang-ups forward with me.

I'm not looking for my next husband!

Feeling so low and despondent today at the thought that THIS is the pool of men available to me in my 30's. What happened to meeting someone in a pub, sparking a rapport and agreeing to meet for a drink a couple of days later? Are things really this complicated now?

It's making me really sad to think that at such a young age I might never find someone again. I'm lonely, physically frustrated and feel I have a lot of love to offer the right person. It has been months since someone gave me a kiss, or put their arm around me, and I miss it every day.

What do I do? How do you meet someone in your 30's if not via work or OLD?

The attachment-style and love-language men sound like they've been reading too much MN!

Honestly my default advice in situations like this is to nurture your social circle, especially those who actually do socialising rather than devote their lives to family time. Say yes to that invite. Go to that party. Join that club. Meet people organically rather than with your eyes set on a date. Meet new people to just be friends with - men and women. Friends who can introduce you to their friends in turn... and their friends... etc. If too many of your friends are domestic now, host a party yourself and encourage guests to bring friends. Basically the more people you like in your life the better. Bonus: even if nothing comes of this romantically, you have a great social circle to fill your life now.

I never wanted to meet friends, let alone a partner, through work - always wanted to keep that separate. I last dated over a decade ago and OLD was horrific then, from what I see it just seems to have got worse. Tbh I only ever used it for random occasional hookups. Met DP when I was 30 at one of those all-night house parties where you don't know half the people there.

Oh, and I know plenty of people who met their life partner much later than you. Early 30s? You'll be fine in the end.

It will work out, it just doesn't seem like it now. It's hard to imagine living with someone new and being in love when you feel it's a million miles away. I got together with someone great at 39 and we have a baby now.

I think it's down to an inner confidence that comes with enjoying life as a single person. You end up socialising more, holidaying on your own, saying yes to invites, joining Meet-ups. Even if a social group is mainly women, it gets you out and can lead to meeting different men.

Don't set a deadline, you have the excitement of a new romance ahead of you at some point!

I was on dating apps in my late twenties and it was horrible. I had men messaging me explicit pictures, men being outright nasty to me, men I went on a few dates with only to have them ghost me... I went on lots of first dates, some of which were pleasant in spite of them not going anywhere, and some of which were just awkward! And then I met my partner, and now we're married. It was not a pleasant experience overall, but I got there in the end.

You sound great. I'd like to be friends with you!

I would skip dating apps. Can you join a gym, join some clubs, do some networking events through work? Just 'get out there' a bit in real life?

Move to London! No-one gets married or has babies till their late 30's / early 40's here!

Sorry, that was a silly comment in reference to your comparison to your friends all in their 2nd baby at 30. The point being, don't compare yourself.

I think you (we) need to concentrate on living and enjoying life. Get out and about doing what you enjoy, find some new things to enjoy. Loving life is very attractive. The people will come, but first of all live your life.

Hey! I'm in a very similar situation to you (early 30s, recently separated, would have liked to reconcile with ex but he didn't want that so I've accepted it).

I briefly tried online dating (although have decided it's too soon for me) and found the men I came across were -

1. Very much not over their exes/really quite bitter (went on a date with a divorced man who spoke a lot about his ex wife and marriage. I asked if he was over his ex and he bloody paused for AGES then said "..well, I'm looking for someone who will help me get over her" )
2. Straight into "chit chat" eg "how are you/how's your evening/day been" and no attempts at further conversation so it all felt a bit bland
3. Very much "me me me" on their profiles eg "I want someone who supports me, brings out the best in me, accepts me". I mean yeah we all want that and it's to be expected in a healthy relationship so it seems a bit self absorbed to put just that on an online profile
4. Most seemed to be either quite young/not ready to settle down (eg go away travelling for months, not yet fully lived independently from parents) or were much older and had never had a long term relationship. I mean that's all fine but I find it difficult to relate to and would feel like I was hand holding the younger ones and mothering the older ones (who also seemed v committed to their lifestyle of sports with no room for flexibility)

People always give the good advice of saying yes to every invite and I do agree with that BUT it's difficult when there aren't that many invites flying around! Majority of my team are coupled up so work dos conversation is mostly around married home life so I just zone out. Likewise with friends - married with kids. I'm trying to put myself out there a bit more with activities and going to poetry nights etc. But mostly I leave feeling sad, wishing I was cuddled up at home with a partner, and missing my old life.

Hence why I'm putting a hold on dating for now as I'm not in the best place for it and I feel incredibly jaded.

I think the only advice that works for me right now is that time will help and meeting someone will happen in time (bloody time haha).

Also attachment style is all over Mumsnet, reddit, social media etc. It's very much a buzzword right now! I found it interesting but that sounds like an absolute nightmare being interrogated over it!

I'm one of those of women for whom it "didn't " work out i.e. I didn't find my forever together partner on OLD. I was 36 and divorced. I did have two relationships from OLD however one man was at a different life stage to me, and the other had past relationship traumas/issues which inevitably ruined our relationship.

I am now a solo mother by choice as we're known and have had a child with a sperm donor. I'd I'd this aged 39. My boy is incredible and I'm so lucky I managed to conceive and give birth easily. The dread, panic and anxiety OLD gave me was horrendous. The most soul destroying experience of my life. I was desperate for a family and aged 36-38/39 were the worst years of my life. I didn't want to "settle" and though the two brief relationships I got via OLD weren't awful, the overall dating experience was really miserable.

Do you want children @Baroquemason

In my entire adult life, before and during marriage, ALL the most interesting /attractive/appealing men I have ever met, liked, made long enduring relationships / friendships with, were met through one or other of my own interests, activities and hobbies. (Including DH).

If I was ever back on the market for a man, that's where I'd start looking; in real life, in my personal interests and activities.

Not on a dating website.

Here's the difference.

IRL, I and anyone who shares one of my interests, immediately have something to talk about and do. The following are not in play: age; sexuality, physical attraction, mental health, marital, family, educational, financial status. Theirs or mine.

it took me all of 72 hours and a couple of dates

The first people to contact you are the ones that have been on these sites for ages (for good reason) and are just sitting there waiting for new women to turn up. They're the "locals" in the pub. Other men will turn up from time to time when they find themselves single - next month, next year. Wait for one of them to appear.

Oh, and congrats @Anthurium, I see you've had your baby :)

"Meet people organically rather than with your eyes set on a date."

I don't think that's possible after a certain age. You won't meet a big enough pool of single people in the age group you're interested in.
If it was possible for most people, there wouldn't be online dating would there?

You’re really really young, strong, independent, have your own home…you’re in a great position with your life. Just keep your standards really very high, be brutal about who you choose to spend time with. If you’re keen to have a partner, make sure he deserves you.

@ravenmum

it took me all of 72 hours and a couple of dates

The first people to contact you are the ones that have been on these sites for ages (for good reason) and are just sitting there waiting for new women to turn up. They're the "locals" in the pub. Other men will turn up from time to time when they find themselves single - next month, next year. Wait for one of them to appear.

Exactly this.

Point is 72 hours and a couple of dates is nothing. Dating isn't like fast food or fast fashion - where you get what you want IMMEDIATELY. Why would you expect that? I get the feeling that you think you tick a lot of boxes yourself and your ex found someone, so where are all these men you thought would be lined up just waiting for you.....

That's not how life works. Dating and relationships can take time especially when you're older and everyone has their own baggage, and with the dating apps you can see it instantly rather than waiting months/years as you would for an irl meet up.

It's ok to feel despondent, but you really can't re-enter singledom expecting to have your next bf lined up with a snap of the fingers. You might get lucky and have it next week or it might be months/years. When you get comfortable with that, and approach the apps like you do real life - if you walked into a pub or hobby group, there might be 1 guy you fancy and others you ignore. And that 1 guy might fancy someone else in the group, or be an arsehole, and life moves on.

Apps are just a way to meet people, not guarantee you love or a relationship.

and whilst I would like to rectify things, DH feels it is beyond saving and I have to respect that. He has recently moved on with someone new and I'm trying to make peace with that and take tentative steps towards doing the same

Also this - you're not ready to date if until recently you were hoping to save your marriage, and also you feel obliged as ex has moved on. Months being single after a divorce is nothing. And I think that is impacting how you view dating - because you likely have an impatience to meet someone so you can move on - and I always feel people can sense this and it puts them off. Maybe try just being single for a little bit, waiting for your divorce to finalise and dealing with any emotional fallout, then re-approach the apps with a thicker skin.

OLD is soul-destroying. I was widowed 18 months ago and tentatively dipped my toe in the murky waters a few months ago, but gave up pretty quickly. It's awful. I've decided for now I'd prefer to be single and build up my interests - if I meet someone naturally that way, great, but if I don't at least I'll be able to go back to OLD with a fuller life and a better sense of self which will hopefully make it less of a horror show.

I agree with @phizog too - if you're not 100% ready it will be an even worse experience. I was comparing everyone to DH (and of course finding them lacking) and realised that I won't be ready to date until I can stop doing that, even though that could take years.

Don't give up. It took me nearly two years OLD on and off, until I met my wonderful husband.

@Oranges1983

Move to London! No-one gets married or has babies till their late 30's / early 40's here!

True.

And it is acceptable to do OLD and go for dates at lunch time so you have your evenings free to expand your horizons at activities/clubs.

Also if you use public transport you can get chatted up on that and get dates.

I think if you were looking for an outfit to wear for a wedding or a special event you’d spend more time on it than you have on this 😂

Maybe you need to a do a bit more screening of these people via text/WhatsApp before you meet up with them. I’m in a LTR but actually had a great time on OLD when I was single, but I was very discerning about who I responded to, who I messaged with, who I gave my number to and ultimately who I met. I’d generally chat to someone for about two weeks before I’d agree or suggest to meet up. I had one relationship develop on there (didn’t work out, but no hard feelings), a long term FWB who I’m still friends with, and also made lots of friends, some I’m still in touch with casually on social media (nothing shady - just liking posts, etc) because I deliberately sought out people on OLD who had very similar music tastes, hobbies and interests to me. They turned out to be valuable, interesting people even if they aren’t my soulmate or life partner.

@ravenmum

Oh, and congrats *@Anthurium*, I see you've had your baby :)

@ravenmum

Thank you !

My best friend is mid-thirties and single. She’s tried multiple OLD platforms over many months, and honestly they tend to be bleak. What HAS led to some great dates is being set up with people by friends or family.

I think women often hesitate to ask to be set up, sometimes, because it requires being vulnerable with people we care about and admitting that you want to meet someone. BUT - people who love you have your best interests at heart, know what you’re like and what you value, and can triage the single people in their circles much better than an algorithm can (for now!). I know many, many single guys in their thirties, but there are really only 2 I felt could even vaguely work for my friend. Turns out they didn’t (too bad!), but there were several reasonably enjoyable dates and no hard feelings. This week my friend is going on a third date with an absolutely wonderful-seeming guy who is a colleague of another mutual friend. She has big hopes! 😊

I agree with the PPs who suggest to start slowly with this though. You’ve had a lot of upheaval in your life in the past few months, and you may benefit from giving yourself a bit of a break.

For those commenting on it - I've been on OLD for much longer than 72 hours!!! My point was that this is sadly the conclusion I came to within a matter of days due to the excruciating experience I was having, and none of my subsequent interactions have changed my mind.

As I said in my post, I really have been taking a lot of time to filter out unlikely matches and have been chatting to ones who, on paper, appear to share the same interests, values etc.

To the poster who suggested I feel somehow entitled to a queue of men lining up simply because I'm single - absolutely not!! Do I however feel perfectly justified in expecting to be able to exchange some pleasant, interesting, light conversation with a person I've matched with, before proceeding to a date to discover if we have chemistry in person if both parties are interested, well....yes and I don't think there's anything unreasonable about that.

Gwenhwyfar this is it, it's so hard to meet people organically these days. I have varied interests and am confident enough to go out by myself and meet new people, but unless I start signing up to the kind of male-dominated activities which are actually of no interest to me it can be hard to visualise how "joining clubs" is going to open up opportunities.

peachgreen in many ways I completely identify with this. My life is fulfilling as a single person and I have plenty to keep me busy, but I do get lonely and crave the company/physicality/affection of a romantic partnership.

penguinwaddler that all completely resonates with me. I've also come off the apps now and am putting dating on hold for the time being. I suppose the essence of this whole post is that I had hoped OLD might be something that felt fun, new and invigorating, but so far it really has just been upsetting and deflating but I'm not sure what other options are open to a single woman whose social circle are all coupled-up.

Guess I'll be moving to London then!

Thanks everyone.

Out of interest has anyone tried speed-dating and found it better/worse than OLD?

@Penguinwaddler

Also attachment style is all over Mumsnet, reddit, social media etc. It's very much a buzzword right now! I found it interesting but that sounds like an absolute nightmare being interrogated over it!

I've seen that a few times on here. How do you know what your attachment style is? I don't know or care, but should I? It sounds like naval gazing, which would put me off.