Are these my options as a single 30-something?

[Baroquemason]

In the middle of a divorce and wondering if this is affecting my outlook or whether my options really are this bleak!

Marriage has sadly come to an end and whilst I would like to rectify things, DH feels it is beyond saving and I have to respect that. He has recently moved on with someone new and I'm trying to make peace with that and take tentative steps towards doing the same.

I'm early 30's, own my own home, have a good job and am very independent. I'm easygoing and take care of myself, scrubbing up well for dates etc. All of my friends are still married and on baby no.2 and I work in a female-dominated industry, so I have little hope of meeting men in real life. I joined a dating app a few days ago for the first time in my life and I can honestly say it was the most bleak experience I've had in years. I added some nice, recent photos, wrote a thoughtfully worded but "bright and breezy" intro and was open-minded about who I matched with, prioritising personality and the content of their bio over superficial looks alone.

I think it took me all of 72 hours and a couple of dates to discover that most single men of my age appear to genuinely dislike women and fall into one of the following categories:-

1. Those who think sending you dick-pics and innuendos about how they like to "get their hands dirty" is a legitimate chat-up line.
2. Those who clearly have no actual desire to meet up in real life. They would rather bombard you with tedious voice-notes all day long and be completely non-committal about going for a coffee....despite living all of 5 miles away.
3. Those who take themselves so seriously that they think it's OK to skip all the light, getting-to-know-you chat and drill you on things like what your "attachment style" and love-language is, the unspoken threat being that if you fail any of their tests you will not be deemed worthy of a date...

Of the men I've spoken with, most of them come across as narrow-minded, rigid and self-obsessed.

I went on a date a couple of nights ago with someone who accused me of "not disclosing" that I'm a vegetarian in my bio...

What. The. Actual. F*ck.

I like to think I'm a good date!! I dress up well, am naturally curious and ask lots of questions about my date's interests, I have a good sense of humour and the ability to laugh at myself, I don't mind going dutch on drinks etc. I never speak badly of my ex and I can honestly say I've managed not to bring any bitterness or hang-ups forward with me.

I'm not looking for my next husband!

Feeling so low and despondent today at the thought that THIS is the pool of men available to me in my 30's. What happened to meeting someone in a pub, sparking a rapport and agreeing to meet for a drink a couple of days later? Are things really this complicated now?

It's making me really sad to think that at such a young age I might never find someone again. I'm lonely, physically frustrated and feel I have a lot of love to offer the right person. It has been months since someone gave me a kiss, or put their arm around me, and I miss it every day.

What do I do? How do you meet someone in your 30's if not via work or OLD?

OP - I looked up speed dating as an alternative to OLD, as OLD sounds awful. I think it would be worth a try. The one I looked at emails matches the day after, I don't know how these things usually work.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers that's actually a great suggestion

I think you naturally want to "move on" as your ex has .And maybe need to take a step back ,not easy I know.In your early 30s you are still young and have all your life ahead of you .Its much better to be divorced than married and unhappy.My DD has been on OLD .She finds it difficult as some people are like you describe ,sometimes they ghost her or mess about .She is going out with an old friend at present .Do your GF have partners with mates/Brothers at all ? Maybe they would like to meet up.

@willowbough there lots of quizzes online - apparently the Thais Gibson site is good. I think it can be useful to understand but some people latch on and see it as a total personality trait and are quite rigid in attitude about it!

Thanks @Penguinwaddler

I'll have a look at that.

I've just got 'dismissive avoidant'. I'm about to read the explanation, but I don't think that sounds very positive to share on a dating profile!

Sorry for the tangent, OP.

I suppose the essence of this whole post is that I had hoped OLD might be something that felt fun, new and invigorating, but so far it really has just been upsetting and deflating

I think this is the problem - OLD is just meeting strangers. And unless you're extroverted to the point you just love hanging out with strangers (some people are, I quite like it), you're never going to find it fun.

If you went to a house party or a pub, you might feel hopeful you'd meet someone, maybe encounter 1-2 weirdos with boring chat, but if you left alone at the end of the night - would you feel upset and deflated? Or think to yourself, well I got to dress up and go out, met different people and have some fun stores to regale my friends with.

So treat OLD/speed dating whatever as exactly the same. It's you just meeting strangers - some of whom will absolutely be odd/no spark/not interested in you etc but it's not a reflection on you. If you have the expectation that you're going to end up with most dates/matches being fun and invigorating - you will be disappointed. Because just like irl, you will find most strangers are not great dates. The % of people you will click with is small, the % of people you will like/fancy even smaller - but that's ok because you just need ONE. And just like with artificial intelligence, the more you date, the better your filtering becomes, so eventually you can avoid matching with any no hopers completely.

[quote Penguinwaddler]@willowbough there lots of quizzes online - apparently the Thais Gibson site is good. I think it can be useful to understand but some people latch on and see it as a total personality trait and are quite rigid in attitude about it![/quote]
I don't think a quiz is necessary. Reading what the types are was enough for me.
However, it's very personal and not something to talk about with someone you don't know.

Old is a numbers game to a certain extent, you need to respond to many to get a vaguely successful date. That said paid for sites are more likely to have those who want to properly date - I met dp on one