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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't trust my boyfriend...

35 replies

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 07:01

He's not done anything to warrant it. He's kind, loving, caring, loyal, emotionally expressive but his words and actions are starting to leave me cold.

Not even because of how I feel about him - I love him - but because I can't accept that I'm am worthy of, or deserve, it.

When I think of things He's said about me or to me or things he's done for me, I feel like it is a cruel joke.

Even during sex, I now find my inner voice telling me that he preferred it with others or that it's a chore for him. Its making me want to withdraw. But it's hard because, if we don't have sex, I feel that it's because I'm repulsive to him or something equally unsavoury.

I no longer feel sexy or attractive Sad

This isn't the ick. I absolutely adore him, fancy him, love him and like him and would spend the rest of my life with him. If it weren't for the fact that I feel like this. He says this is forever and it's me or no one (were both older - he's late 50s).

It's got everything to do with how I feel about myself and nothing to do with how I feel about him.

When we're apart, I no longer have those lovely feelings of love, safety and security that I did have and he says he has. I feel cold, sad and undeserving. Like the whole world is laughing at me for being so arrogant as to think someone would want me.

If he were younger, with the dating choices of a younger man, would he still want me?

He says that, had we met when younger, he thinks we'd have been unbreakable and unstoppable and the only thing that isn't perfect is that we'll never be able to look back on a lifetime of memories together.

No one has ever loved me and I've never come close to feeling this way about anyone. But I can feel it falling apart.

OP posts:
springtimeishereagain · 08/04/2022 07:16

Counselling should help you unlock what has brought this on, why you feel you don't deserve happiness, and how not to sabotage this relationship.

Good luck

AntarcticTern · 08/04/2022 07:21

Yes OP, you need help with these feelings.

alwaysontheloo · 08/04/2022 07:23

This sounds like really poor self esteem and I get it because I've suffered with it too. PP is right, counselling or hypnotherapy would help for this.
I'm sure if he's as lovely as you say and he's clearly crazy about you, then the reality is you're as lovely as he is. He wouldn't love you do much otherwise would he?

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 07:23

I've had therapy. It's how I managed to end up in a healthy relationship with a decent man but I can't sustain it Sad

OP posts:
StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 07:24

@alwaysontheloo

This sounds like really poor self esteem and I get it because I've suffered with it too. PP is right, counselling or hypnotherapy would help for this. I'm sure if he's as lovely as you say and he's clearly crazy about you, then the reality is you're as lovely as he is. He wouldn't love you do much otherwise would he?
My logical brain knows this.

The rest of me doesn't.

OP posts:
springtimeishereagain · 08/04/2022 07:29

You're the only one who can sort this. Your p isn't giving you any cause for concern.

Don't despair - you can change learned patterns of behaviour.

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 07:39

No. He isn't giving me any cause for concern. There is literally nothing more he could do or say. I think if he knew, he'd be utterly flummoxed and quite hurt.

I'm joining him and some friends on a week away in a few weeks. He put no pressure on me but said he'd really like it if I could go. I delayed committing for a few weeks but eventually agreed to go. Now I feel guilty that I'm intruding on his weekend even though he's said he's really excited that I'm going to be there and he can't wait.

Last weekend, we'd agreed to go to a gig together. He said later that one of his friends (who he hadn't seen since before lockdown) was also going. I cancelled going on the grounds that I was really tired and told him to have a great night. He said afterwards that it was a shame I couldn't make it. I said it was but at least he had a good night with his friend so me not going wasn't a big deal.

He said he'd been really looking forward to introducing us and he'd missed me. That hadn't even occurred to me. I just wanted him to have a good night with his friend and not feel I was in the way.

I'm getting it all wrong.

OP posts:
alwaysontheloo · 08/04/2022 07:52

@springtimeishereagain

You're the only one who can sort this. Your p isn't giving you any cause for concern.

Don't despair - you can change learned patterns of behaviour.

Honestly I get it. I have suffered with this too in the past.

What changed for me was learning to trust myself that I made good decisions and one of them was my choice of partner. Be kind to yourself OP and learn to see the wonderful things in you that your partner sees.

alwaysontheloo · 08/04/2022 07:53

Sorry I quoted the wrong reply! 😩 More coffee I think

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 07:55

Thanks. I know I've made a good choice. I worry that he has. He says he has.

My brain is responding as though he just said and done things he hasn't. I'm having the same responses I've always had in previous shit relationships. They're not warranted but I can't stop it.

Even when I ig ore ot, the feelings are still there and that's not fair on either of us.

OP posts:
StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 07:57

I feel that it would be safer and he and I would be happier if I ended it.

I don't want any of this to impact on him. He doesn't deserve it and is completely trusting and loving which he shows in his words and actions constantly.

OP posts:
YotkshireLass · 08/04/2022 07:57

Bear in mind that as your in your 50s the menopause will be at play here and quite often plays with our self esteem.

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 07:58

I'm not quite in my 50s yet. Definitely perimenopausal although I've always felt like this in relationships. Usually with good reason though!

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 08/04/2022 08:16

Two things occur to me- yes the things you've identified already that you need to work on, self esteem etc.

Also- give him respect and agency.

  1. He chose to ask you to the gig/didn't ask you to skip the gig so he could enjoy it with his mate.
  2. He is choosing to stay with you, when he could choose to end it.
  3. He is choosing to be loving and kind and affectionate when he could choose not to be.

You need to respect his ability to know his own mind and speak for himself. You are undermining that when you unilaterally 'do things for his own good, because you know better'.

I know that isn't what you intend to do, but that is what you are actually doing. When those thoughts start to cycle, interrupt them and remind yourself 'he is a competent, emotionally intelligent man, I will respect his choices. I am worthy of his attention, I will accept it'

ThanksThanks

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 08:21

Thank you. I needed to hear that. Yes, you're right.

I do try and tell myself that but it's hard to accept.

OP posts:
HailAdrian · 08/04/2022 08:24

Ah you sound a bit like me, I spend too much time in my own head.

Watchkeys · 08/04/2022 08:41

What was your parent's relationship like, OP? Were they loving and respectful towards each other? Were they loving and respectful towards you?

I'm just wondering where this all comes from. You say you can't stop it, but if it's to do with conditioning, that's how it always feels: 'This is just the way I'm made'. But it isn't, and it can turn on a sixpence.

layladomino · 08/04/2022 10:42

*Also- give him respect and agency.

  1. He chose to ask you to the gig/didn't ask you to skip the gig so he could enjoy it with his mate.
  2. He is choosing to stay with you, when he could choose to end it.
  3. He is choosing to be loving and kind and affectionate when he could choose not to be.

You need to respect his ability to know his own mind and speak for himself. You are undermining that when you unilaterally 'do things for his own good, because you know better'*

This is what sprung to my mind too. You should respect that he is a decent, intelligent man who has made a decision. Projecting on to him that you aren't good enough / he doesn't really want you to be there / you're wasting his time etc is actually really disrespectful to him.

I say this kindly, but it might help to remind yourself of that when you're having doubts.

I have a friend with some deep insecrurities, which I am understand of, but it can be annoying when she tells me I'm too busy to listen to her problems / I'd probably rather not meet for lunch / I must be really irritiated by her. I know my own mind!

LoekMa · 08/04/2022 11:35

It sounds like you subconsciously want him to keep proving his devotion to you.
I am afraid this is not a good foundation for a long lasting relationship especially when the day to day sets in.

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 15:26

@LoekMa

It sounds like you subconsciously want him to keep proving his devotion to you. I am afraid this is not a good foundation for a long lasting relationship especially when the day to day sets in.
This is absolutely not what I want and I haven't stated it directly nor implied it.

This isn't about him. Or what he is saying/doing. This is about me. I've been clear about that from the first post.

OP posts:
StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 15:30

@layladomino

*Also- give him respect and agency.
  1. He chose to ask you to the gig/didn't ask you to skip the gig so he could enjoy it with his mate.
  2. He is choosing to stay with you, when he could choose to end it.
  3. He is choosing to be loving and kind and affectionate when he could choose not to be.

You need to respect his ability to know his own mind and speak for himself. You are undermining that when you unilaterally 'do things for his own good, because you know better'*

This is what sprung to my mind too. You should respect that he is a decent, intelligent man who has made a decision. Projecting on to him that you aren't good enough / he doesn't really want you to be there / you're wasting his time etc is actually really disrespectful to him.

I say this kindly, but it might help to remind yourself of that when you're having doubts.

I have a friend with some deep insecrurities, which I am understand of, but it can be annoying when she tells me I'm too busy to listen to her problems / I'd probably rather not meet for lunch / I must be really irritiated by her. I know my own mind!

He has no idea I feel like this and I would never say anything like your friend says to you.

I've been on the receiving end of that. I know what it's like.

I'm not needy and I don't seek reassurance. The opposite if anything.

OP posts:
StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 15:32

@Watchkeys

What was your parent's relationship like, OP? Were they loving and respectful towards each other? Were they loving and respectful towards you?

I'm just wondering where this all comes from. You say you can't stop it, but if it's to do with conditioning, that's how it always feels: 'This is just the way I'm made'. But it isn't, and it can turn on a sixpence.

Ah yeah, it came from my relationship.withy parents and their relationship with each other. I know that.

Love and respect weren't present in my house either from or towards anyone.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2022 16:55

This is about me. I've been clear about that from the first post

It is, but not in the way you think. You think that the way you feel indicates that something is wrong with you, and is something you have to change. That's because people's feelings haven't been respected in your life, so you don't respect your own. But what if you did respect how you feel?

would spend the rest of my life with him. If it weren't for the fact that I feel like this

You do feel like this. What happens if you respect that, rather than thinking of it as a fault in you, something wrong with you?

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 17:09

How do you mean respect it? Accept it as an appropriate response and right? And respond accordingly?

Well I'd be completely on my own. I'd have no one around me. I wouldn't let anyone 'in'.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2022 17:23

Do you think that your feeling is 'wrong'?

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