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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't trust my boyfriend...

35 replies

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 07:01

He's not done anything to warrant it. He's kind, loving, caring, loyal, emotionally expressive but his words and actions are starting to leave me cold.

Not even because of how I feel about him - I love him - but because I can't accept that I'm am worthy of, or deserve, it.

When I think of things He's said about me or to me or things he's done for me, I feel like it is a cruel joke.

Even during sex, I now find my inner voice telling me that he preferred it with others or that it's a chore for him. Its making me want to withdraw. But it's hard because, if we don't have sex, I feel that it's because I'm repulsive to him or something equally unsavoury.

I no longer feel sexy or attractive Sad

This isn't the ick. I absolutely adore him, fancy him, love him and like him and would spend the rest of my life with him. If it weren't for the fact that I feel like this. He says this is forever and it's me or no one (were both older - he's late 50s).

It's got everything to do with how I feel about myself and nothing to do with how I feel about him.

When we're apart, I no longer have those lovely feelings of love, safety and security that I did have and he says he has. I feel cold, sad and undeserving. Like the whole world is laughing at me for being so arrogant as to think someone would want me.

If he were younger, with the dating choices of a younger man, would he still want me?

He says that, had we met when younger, he thinks we'd have been unbreakable and unstoppable and the only thing that isn't perfect is that we'll never be able to look back on a lifetime of memories together.

No one has ever loved me and I've never come close to feeling this way about anyone. But I can feel it falling apart.

OP posts:
StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 17:32

Tbh, it's not really about right or wrong.

It's just how I feel.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2022 18:04

@StayingInBedForNow

Tbh, it's not really about right or wrong.

It's just how I feel.

Then you need to accept it, rather than argue against it. It's the ultimate self respect. For some reason, this relationship is turning you off.

Have you spoken to him about it?

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 18:12

Every relationship I've ever had has 'turned me off' though.

I've never dated anyone for longer than 4 or 5 months and I'm 48.

He isn't doing anything wrong and, believe me, I can find 'wrong' in the way someone makes a cup of tea!

No. I haven't spoken to him about it. I feel really hostile towards him at the moment. The way I would if he'd committed a serious transgression and yet he's done nothing.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2022 19:13

If you aren't able to talk to him about how you're feeling, your relationship isn't worth having. You're making yourself emotionally unavailable to him, putting on a front. It's not fair to either of you.

If he's a fabulous a partner as you say he is, you can sit him down for a chat and tell him all about this. And there's really no other way forward. You don't have to like your feelings, but you do have to respect them and involve them in your relationship, otherwise your partner doesn't really know you, does he.

The fact that you won't let anybody in, because you refuse to respectfully acknowledge your feelings, is your problem, I think. Stop hiding. You're a nice person, and there's a reason you feel this way. It's allowed, it's valid, it can be voiced. Your perfect man will understand if you express this to him lovingly. He'll ask what you want, what you need, he'll offer you space, and as soon as you've had the conversation, you'll feel a million times closer to him.

If he can't do it, he's not your perfect man, is he? Because your perfect man will love all of you, even the bits you don't like very much.

Moser85 · 08/04/2022 19:31

@StayingInBedForNow

Thanks. I know I've made a good choice. I worry that he has. He says he has.

My brain is responding as though he just said and done things he hasn't. I'm having the same responses I've always had in previous shit relationships. They're not warranted but I can't stop it.

Even when I ig ore ot, the feelings are still there and that's not fair on either of us.

You said you've had counselling, but you should consider trauma therapy.

Trauma is stored in the body and you can't really think your way out of it when you're triggered.

Something like EMDR might work well for you. Or there is something else which I've heard of recently but I'm not 100% sure how it works but sounds promising. It's called internal family systems.

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 20:39

@Watchkeys

If you aren't able to talk to him about how you're feeling, your relationship isn't worth having. You're making yourself emotionally unavailable to him, putting on a front. It's not fair to either of you.

If he's a fabulous a partner as you say he is, you can sit him down for a chat and tell him all about this. And there's really no other way forward. You don't have to like your feelings, but you do have to respect them and involve them in your relationship, otherwise your partner doesn't really know you, does he.

The fact that you won't let anybody in, because you refuse to respectfully acknowledge your feelings, is your problem, I think. Stop hiding. You're a nice person, and there's a reason you feel this way. It's allowed, it's valid, it can be voiced. Your perfect man will understand if you express this to him lovingly. He'll ask what you want, what you need, he'll offer you space, and as soon as you've had the conversation, you'll feel a million times closer to him.

If he can't do it, he's not your perfect man, is he? Because your perfect man will love all of you, even the bits you don't like very much.

Yes. You're right. Is the right man for me.going to love all of me really though? You know, all the red flags I'm flying...

I do need to tell him how I feel. I guess I just haven't been ready to do so. But I'd expect him to walk away. I would. How can he be in a relationship with me when all I can think about is running away?

OP posts:
StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 20:40

Trauma is stored in the body and you can't really think your way out of it when you're triggered.

That is true. Something triggered it at 5.34pm and I've felt highly anxious ever since. My heart is racing, my chest is in pain. I'm tense.

And that was from a something and nothing.

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 08/04/2022 22:08

Do you think you are going through the peri meno pause or menopause as this can totally change us as a person and cause horrible anxiety along with so many other things. It also causes low mood, sleep issues, etc etc It is worth having a chat with your doctor as hrt may be an option or if you keep overthinking things over and over it could be ocd and antidepressants can be a life changer for that. Sorry that you are going through all this and please talk to a good doctor who may be able to help.

StayingInBedForNow · 08/04/2022 22:16

Tbh, It's always been like this. I thought that, if I could.meet someone decent, who genuinely liked, then it would be different. But it isn't.

And, whatever the reasons, he doesn't need to deal with this shit.

OP posts:
KellsBells77 · 08/04/2022 22:42

OP, I copy pasted this (for my own good), and I think this applies to you too:

Not all of your thoughts deserve to be trusted equally.

Your mind throws thousands of thoughts at you each day, many of which are accurate and helpful. But many of them are also misguided, random, or downright untrue. This is completely normal.

Emotionally resilient people understand that they shouldn’t blindly trust every thought that crosses their mind.

If you do, it’s a set-up for emotional fragility:

If you accept every worrying thought as true, you’ll end up chronically anxious.

This is not about your partner (which you know, and he’s lovely anyway), this is about you. I’ve never tried it, but the Linden method is meant to be very good for processing thoughts, weeding out the useless ones and keeping the useful.

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