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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse from my brother?

39 replies

loulou1111 · 07/04/2022 20:55

As context I am 21 and recently lost both my parents within the space of 8 weeks of each other. I have had to deal with everything alone and pay for most of the funeral, debts etc myself. My brother is 15 years older than me. As agreed by us both, I moved into my parents house. There's been issues ever since, he lets himself into my house and takes things but won't tell me what. He comes round drunk and starts shouting in my face, I get called all names under the sun. I'm scared to leave my house incase he comes round while I'm not there. I don't know what to do. And I've got a feeling it's only going to get worse. I don't really have anyone to speak to about this.

OP posts:
NannyKrampus · 07/04/2022 20:57

Change all the locks.

Turningpurple · 07/04/2022 21:00

Do you and your brother own the house together? Or will you when probate is done?

I would sell it ASAP. Then cut ties

inmyslippers · 07/04/2022 21:00

Starting noting it all down and change the locks.

rwalker · 07/04/2022 21:06

@NannyKrampus

Change all the locks.
Worst advice ever

Presuming house being left to you 2 locking him out of a house that he potential 1/2 owns and has as much right to be there as OP does is only going to antagonise the situation and make it a whole lot worse .

Get it sorted divide it up and move on

Misreadprob · 07/04/2022 21:08

Change the locks! And get yourself some CCTV or equivalent

StopStartStop · 07/04/2022 21:14

Funeral expenses etc should be paid from their estate. Did they own their house? If so, unless a will states otherwise, it belongs to you both. I think you need to see a solicitor and get things properly sorted out. He is being abusive. You are very young, you've had to do so much and you need some support.

billy1966 · 07/04/2022 21:17

Please call Womens aid for advice.

He is abusive and threatening you.

Call 101 for advice.

You do not have to accept this.

I'm so sorry.Flowers

Summerfun54321 · 07/04/2022 21:32

You both lost your parents only 8 weeks ago. This isn’t a simple situation with a simple solution.

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 07/04/2022 21:37

Call the police and report it the same way you would if it was an abusive partner.

Change the locks and install a ring video doorbell. Whether he may or may not own half the house, your safety is the only priority. If he does own half then a solicitor will deal with it.

I am so sorry for your losses Flowers Feel free to PM me if you need to chat x

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 07/04/2022 21:41

*Worst advice ever

Presuming house being left to you 2 locking him out of a house that he potential 1/2 owns and has as much right to be there as OP does is only going to antagonise the situation and make it a whole lot worse .

Get it sorted divide it up and move on*

So she should put up and shut up with the abuse and feel terrified in her own home in the mean time? House won't exactly be sold over the weekend.

Sorry, but I think you have given the worst advice.

Original poster
loulou1111 · 07/04/2022 21:57

The house is rented - they don't own the house and I'm the only one on the lease now. They passed within 8 weeks of each-other not 8 weeks ago. If i change the locks it's just going to make him angrier. I feel so isolated and stuck

OP posts:
MaChienEstUnDick · 07/04/2022 22:02

@loulou1111

The house is rented - they don't own the house and I'm the only one on the lease now. They passed within 8 weeks of each-other not 8 weeks ago. If i change the locks it's just going to make him angrier. I feel so isolated and stuck
Nonetheless, you do need to change the locks and you need to stop him coming in and out when he wants to, with support from the police and women's aid if necessary. I'd be tempted to send a solicitor's letter too. He has no rights to the house if it's a rental and you're paying the rent.

What kind of rental is it, would you be able to do a swap? I think it would be very useful for him to not know where you live. But you have to be strong meantime and stand up to him, I'm afraid.

Is the house still full of your mum and dad's stuff, is that his excuse for taking things?

Squeezyhug · 07/04/2022 22:06

If the lease is in your name change the locks.

Call Women's Aid

Tell the police

You don’t have to put up with it. Abusers want you to feel frightened to do anything so that they’ll get away with it.

He’s a bully. Don’t let him get away with it. Get some real life support. Women’s Aid is a good start.

Why does he come round all the time?
Has he always treated you like this ?

parietal · 07/04/2022 22:56

He is definitely abusive. If you pay the rent and he is not on the lease you can definitely change the locks and call the police if he tries to get in or if he continues to abuse you.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 07/04/2022 23:36

Yes it is abusive behaviour. You shouldn't have to be scared of your own brother. Sorry for your loss.

Pinkbonbon · 08/04/2022 00:29

Sorry for your loss op.

But definitely have the locks changed. Iys your house and he has no right to be there. It may well make him angrier but at least you'll know he can't get into your house. Do not open the door to him if he comes round. I'd also text him (after the locks are changed) that you wish to have no further contact due to his threatening behaviour and that he needs to stay away from you. If he doesn't listen, then go to the police. It wouldn't harm to notify them of this situation in advance so that they know you have reported this behaviour from him previously, should he attempt to harass you further. Because that's what it is, harassment. And it's a crime.

Sorry you're going through this at such a tough time op. But don't be soft or try to reach a compromise with this man. Abusers take this as weakness and they attack weakness. You have to be firm and take all the necessary steps to protect yourself.

TheDayOf · 08/04/2022 04:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirYawnsAlot · 08/04/2022 05:22

Inform the landlord that someone has a set of keys from the previous let and could they change they locks and make sure you are the only key holder.
It sounds like your brother is still viewing it as the family home and taking what he thinks belongs to him. He needs to make a written list and request what he wants which you can either choose to give him, or refuse and let him try and go through a solicitor which I doubt he will do because the cost will probably outweigh the items he wants.

Everything should go through written correspondence from now on. The citizens advice bureau can help you with your rights and is a good first step.
I would speak to the police,101, and try and get an officer to come and chat to you at the house to get advice on the abuse.
You need to keep records of his visits and get audio record ready when he comes to the house. I would be reporting the thefts and abuse with the police.
Moving would be a better option and help you break ties not only with him but the memories the house holds, you need a fresh start away from him.
I'm sorry you are going through this.

Gingernaut · 08/04/2022 05:41

@TheDayOf

I'd be selling the house, use the proceeds for the debts and funerals and split the rest then be done with it. This solution seems obvious is there any reason why the house can't be sold?
@TheDayOf

Because it's rented and the OP is listed on the lease. Please read all the OP's posts before commenting.

TheDayOf · 08/04/2022 05:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Turningpurple · 08/04/2022 05:59

Speak to the landlord and get the locks changed. If he doesn't own half of it and isn't on the lease then he has no right to be there.

Tell him if he turns up again, you will call the police and then do it.

StopStartStop · 08/04/2022 06:05

*Please read all the OP's posts before commenting.'

It's a message board. People can read, not read, pick out bits they're interested in, go off on a rant of their own. Most of us are sufficiently mature to cope with that.

StopStartStop · 08/04/2022 06:05

Bold fail. My apologies.

ReacherMargrave · 08/04/2022 06:17

How long is left on the lease?

Gingernaut · 08/04/2022 07:09

@Turningpurple

Speak to the landlord and get the locks changed. If he doesn't own half of it and isn't on the lease then he has no right to be there.

Tell him if he turns up again, you will call the police and then do it.

This.

Your brother has no right to be in the property if you do not agree.