Relationship advice late 40s/early 50s

[Br1ghtonian]

Hi all.
I have 2 grown up children and was a marriage that ended after 20+ years nearly 9 years ago. Moved to different part of UK and had a lovely 4 year relationship- including living together- with a man 10 years younger. Separated a year ago as he didn’t want marriage and have been in a relationship with a man for 6 months. I’m 49 and he’s nearly 51.
We’re not living together.
He’s self employed and successful. Owns his own house outright. I live alone with a pet in rented accommodation.
We see each other nearly every day and spend at least 4 nights staying over at one house or another. This keeps increasing as time goes on.
I’m desperate to move things forwards. Dating is good but I love the nitty gritty of domestic life.
He’s not ready yet. He doesn’t want things to go wrong. He’s also previously married but with no children. Though I’ve just used the word ‘dating’ we do mundane stuff too - often on one day at the weekend we’ll go food shopping or do some gardening. I tend to be at his each weekend. It feels so lovely. Especially as I now take my cat over too.
He’s not so good with verbal communication but shows his love through actions. He’s very tactile with me. Holds me all night. Touches my hand when we sit together on the sofa. He does say things like “I love having you here” (at his) and “This is nice” (sharing bed together).
He knows I’m struggling financially to rent alone. His position financially is extremely good. Luckily that doesn’t create issues as we’re both tight with money.
I’m glad he hasn’t asked me to move in just because I’m struggling with money. I know it needs to be when he really wants it to happen. He hasn’t said no. Just “not yet” and said he needs more time. I do accept 6 months is still early days.
His ex wife and he met when they were in their mid 30s. He already owned his own home. She had said she wouldn’t take anything of his if they split - only what she contributed or brought to the marriage. She’s successful too. But they divorced and he bought her a house outright.
He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to have to do this again if we do marry and then separate.
I’m not at all materialistic and didn’t fleece my ex husband for anything or even take my fair share. I left due to DV and took only my things and nothing else.
My partner knows this and knows I’m unlikely to be unfair should the worst happen.
I suggested investigating protecting his assets. He said he would.
We last spoke about me moving in a few weeks ago. I could see it was a hard conversation for him. Neither of us has raised it again. He continues to be the sweet, loving man that he is.
Like I said, he’s not a talker. He comes across as having been hurt and not wanting to go through that again. I’m a romantic who wants the whole package. Not the wedding day itself - no interest in that - but the husband/wife relationship.
We seem to be going in the right direction.
Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

Sorry if this is long winded or unclear.
I’m a 49 year old still fit and full of hope. 🤗

In addition to my post - we met through online dating not that that should be particularly relevant. We spoke on the phone once before we met and I made it clear that if we were to fall in love I would want the full package of living together and marriage. I really don’t have a clear reason why - raised by a feminist in single parent family - but it’s what I aspire to. Not religious either and happy to be sexually active outside of marriage. 😉
At the time I said this to him I was blunt as a way of filtering. He wasn’t horrified. But he’s less sure about marriage now - due to the hurt and the financial side of things. He would still have me live with him. I’m time. It’s not a no on marriage. We left it that he was feeling “confused” but clear that he still wanted to be with me.

You're only 6 months into a relationship. Maybe try living together after a year, then after 3 years discuss marriage? Thing is, sounds like you're imagining that this marriage will be like the other one (20+ years), and wanting that back, but this could be very different. I'm on his side I'm afraid OP. You need to give it time, spot the faults and see if they're ones you can put up with.

My only advice would be to be slightly less full on about it. You know what you want, and now he does too. I'd be inclined to stay over less often, and do other stuff, not necessarily with him. Give him a chance to miss you a bit.

Hi. Thank you for your response.
Trust me, I don’t want the marriage I had. There was DV. It took a long time to leave.
I suppose it’s because we’re not spring chickens and I mused out on the first 50 years of his life and I just want to be with him while we’re still able to really enjoy life.
I know that sounds intense. I can take a step back and recognise that.

I feel that things could progress quicker than waiting several years to marry though; when you’re older and having children isn’t an issue.

@Milknosugarta

My only advice would be to be slightly less full on about it. You know what you want, and now he does too. I'd be inclined to stay over less often, and do other stuff, not necessarily with him. Give him a chance to miss you a bit.

I did wonder about staying over less. But I feel that would be me playing games rather than doing what I would genuinely choose to be doing. And I’m unsure how I feel about that. I try to be very honest with him and dislike manipulation. For some that wouldn’t be manipulative because they’d be genuinely spending less time through choice but not me.

My partner knows this and knows I’m unlikely to be unfair should the worst happen
I suggested investigating protecting his assets. He said he would

Of course you should both protect your assets ! Many people are ripped off by their loving spouse of 30 years. So neither of you can POSSIBLY know whether they other will be “ unfair “ or not. Remember fairness is a matter of personal judgement.

@M0RVEN

My partner knows this and knows I’m unlikely to be unfair should the worst happen I suggested investigating protecting his assets. He said he would

Of course you should both protect your assets ! Many people are ripped off by their loving spouse of 30 years. So neither of you can POSSIBLY know whether they other will be “ unfair “ or not. Remember fairness is a matter of personal judgement.

I completely agree. I know how I’d likely behave but he can’t possibly know. It’s the advice I’d give anyone.

Sorry, you did mention DV. I'm 49 myself (hence why I was interested in this thread), and don't see it as my last chance to enjoy life (went skiing last week, still reasonably fit). Yes, you need to look after your body, but there's almost 20 years before retirement even starts for us.

But having said that, at 49 life IS too short to repeat your mistakes. If you had a 20+ year marriage that was wasted, the one thing you really can't afford to do is have another wasted marriage. So take it slow, use that life experience and wisdom you've built, and look after yourself. Good luck!

@Leafyhouse

Sorry, you did mention DV. I'm 49 myself (hence why I was interested in this thread), and don't see it as my last chance to enjoy life (went skiing last week, still reasonably fit). Yes, you need to look after your body, but there's almost 20 years before retirement even starts for us.

But having said that, at 49 life IS too short to repeat your mistakes. If you had a 20+ year marriage that was wasted, the one thing you really can't afford to do is have another wasted marriage. So take it slow, use that life experience and wisdom you've built, and look after yourself. Good luck!

Thank you. Wise words. Much appreciated x

I'm about your age.

My DP and I spoke about living together / getting married after about a year. We both decided that neither of us wanted to get married or even live together. We have both had 20 + year relationships.

I guess what I'm saying is, he doesn't want this now - or prohaps never. You can force or change that - you just need to decide if you are willing to compromise on that, or not.

6 months is very, very, very early days. Its clearly too early for him.

I don't think there's any reason to think things won't develop in the direction you want, but not at the pace you want. I'd say you need to sit back for a bit and see how things go.

@PermanentTemporary

6 months is very, very, very early days. Its clearly too early for him.

I don't think there's any reason to think things won't develop in the direction you want, but not at the pace you want. I'd say you need to sit back for a bit and see how things go.

Yes. Seeing it written down I can use the logical part of me to see that there are signs that things are good and I need to slow down and enjoy these times. Right now. Because I am happy. My sister likened it to having a beautiful spring but looking forward to summer too much to enjoy the current season.

It does sound a bit intense and that you’re keener than him. It’s good to be direct but Is it possible he might back off a bit if you push it too much?

@Rememberitwell

It does sound a bit intense and that you’re keener than him. It’s good to be direct but Is it possible he might back off a bit if you push it too much?

Yes I think it was possible that I could have pushed him away. So I haven’t had any further intense conversations with him. I don’t believe I’m keener than him. Hard to quantify or qualify that but, based on his behaviour, I’d say he’s also very keen but more hurt than I am by past relationships. My gut feeling is he’s worth waiting for as it’s very early days. His actions speak volumes - he is loving, caring, soft snd gentle with me and was looking for something long term.

I’m not at all materialistic and didn’t fleece my ex husband for anything or even take my fair share. I left due to DV and took only my things and nothing else.

This seems … problematic. After a 20 year marriage you were surely entitled to a (court ordained) ‘fair share’ of the assets of that marriage. Presumably the end of this was traumatic and you may have had all sorts of reasons not to pursue what you were entitled to. But (also presumably) that decision has left you in a situation of financial difficulty and (relative / emotional) domestic insecurity. And it’s muddying the waters in your current relationship.

Most people are still getting to know one another after 6 months - but you’re spending your time picking apart the minutiae of yours / his / various exes financial backgrounds in order to break down his defences and - almost - force yourself into a better situation. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. (I know what it is to lose a home along with a relationship.)

Honestly, I’d tread very carefully here. You run the risk of driving this apparently nice man away

@SomethingYesterday

I’m not at all materialistic and didn’t fleece my ex husband for anything or even take my fair share. I left due to DV and took only my things and nothing else.

This seems … problematic. After a 20 year marriage you were surely entitled to a (court ordained) ‘fair share’ of the assets of that marriage. Presumably the end of this was traumatic and you may have had all sorts of reasons not to pursue what you were entitled to. But (also presumably) that decision has left you in a situation of financial difficulty and (relative / emotional) domestic insecurity. And it’s muddying the waters in your current relationship.

Most people are still getting to know one another after 6 months - but you’re spending your time picking apart the minutiae of yours / his / various exes financial backgrounds in order to break down his defences and - almost - force yourself into a better situation. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. (I know what it is to lose a home along with a relationship.)

Honestly, I’d tread very carefully here. You run the risk of driving this apparently nice man away

I genuinely was only posting the financial information as I believed it needed to be said in order that my situation makes sense. I’m not money-orientated. And I’m not looking for a better situation. I’m definitely not trying to break down his defences. I want him to want to be with me because he wants to be. Not because he feels he has to be. My last 4 year relationship I went into knowing he earned very little and it was me who supported us. I’m actually trying to illustrate the point that I’m not motivated by anything other than love and wanting to be in a loving relationship - which I am in. But having a bizarre need to be a wife.

Having been very keen on marriage (done it twice), I'm now extremely reluctant to consider it again. But it's not bizarre to want to be married. It's perhaps a bit much to want it almost independent of the person involved though.

I guess the question is, do you have a timeline in mind? If you're still in exactly the same position in 18 months time, with no sign of any movement towards living together or marriage, how would you feel? What about if he offers living together, but not marriage (or more likely, not yet?) I would have a clear view on how you feel about those things, but also why you feel that way.

Its the difference in your finances OP. Imagine the other way round, you affluent, own your home etc, met a man online who lives in a rented place, no assets, and after 6m wants to move in and marry you. What advice would you get on here? What would your friends and family be saying? His people will no doubt be saying exactly that to him. You know you're genuine, but he'd be a fool to trust that after 6m. Give it another 6m and review then.

The great thing about being together before living together is it's all fun, no chores or awkward decision-making. I'm mid 40s and had two and a half years with now DH before we lived together. That was partly lockdown-related, but I also had DV in my first marriage, which I rushed into too quickly, and I knew how easy it is to be deceived into thinking someone is lovely but not seeing the real them till later. So all that made the wait seem the right thing to do.

Enjoy returning to your own space after you've stayed over at his; enjoy your independence - and yes, enjoy spring while you wait for summer. Nice analogy!

@5128gap

Its the difference in your finances OP. Imagine the other way round, you affluent, own your home etc, met a man online who lives in a rented place, no assets, and after 6m wants to move in and marry you. What advice would you get on here? What would your friends and family be saying? His people will no doubt be saying exactly that to him. You know you're genuine, but he'd be a fool to trust that after 6m. Give it another 6m and review then.

I completely agree. This is the advice I’d be given by my family and that I’d give to others. I’m a terrible prospect on paper.

When does he plan to retire? Relationships have to be compatible and finances is one major area. I chose not to be with a man for some reasons and one was most certainly the lack of financial parity. He also said early on he wanted to marry.

Marriage to me would only have a financial downside. I would get a ring, a day out and Next of kin. I'm similar age to you.

You mention struggling financially - that would be off putting if he felt pressure to assist, even by you moving in. Maybe he likes his own space and the balance works for him. I don't know if I subscribe to "he's been hurt" a friend used to say this about her bf, he wasn't as keen or ready to commit. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't know if you are seeing the hard cold reality as you are in that lovely honeymoon phase.

I feel that things could progress quicker than waiting several years to marry though; when you’re older and having children isn’t an issue.

I think you’ve got this the wrong way round; there’s absolutely no rush for middle aged people who aren’t planning to procreate to get married. In fact unseemly haste would suggest one partner wants something specific from the marriage.

And, btw, you implied above that your boyfriend generously bought the wife he was divorcing a house. Again, they were married. She was entitled to a share in the assets of the marriage, and to whatever home those assets might afford.

I am not at all sure you are seeing either yourself or him entirely clearly right now. Even with only one side of the story it’s obvious you’re making him uncomfortable with all the pressing talk of moving in and marriage. You need to back off. He’s under no obligation to fall in with any pre-determined plan of yours.

Its also not as simple as him protecting his assets in the event of separation either. If you did marry there would be a discrepancy in what you could afford to do as a couple, what your respective retirement funds would look like and what that meant for your options together in later life. Bluntly, he could afford a better lifestyle than you, so if he wanted to live it with you, he would be subsidising you. This isn't necessarily a problem in long standing relationships, but its very early days for him to sign up for that I think. I feel for you OP as you do sound very genuine, but issues arising from mismatched finances can be significant in a mature relationship, and his caution is reasonable. I agree with PP, the more you push the more you will drive him away, as it will start to look suspect.

Thanks all. This has been quite a wake up call for me to be honest.
I saw it more simply that perhaps it is. And I can understand any reluctance he might have with me as a prospect.
Day to day we have an absolute blast so I will continue to see him, be with him and just enjoy our time together. With no mention - for the foreseeable - of the future. The last thing I want to do is drive him away. He’s a lovely man and says he loves me. And I love him.
Thank you.

The relationship is only 6 months old and you said We last spoke about me moving in a few weeks ago

How many months were you into the relationship when you started discussing it??

Sounds waaay too full on to me. Your relationship could naturally die out in a few months time and you'd have to move out. I'm not sure what the situation is like in the UK at the moment for renting but it's dire here in Ireland. If you moved out and the relationship doesn't work out would you be able to find somewhere suitable to live?

Totally understand the need to be on the same page as in you want someone who wants the same things as you, but you also have to give people time for the relationship to get to that point too!