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Relationships

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Original poster

What would you do in this situation?

46 replies

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 07/04/2022 08:14

I've been in a relationship for the past 5 months with someone I've known for a few years. When we met, he had a partner and was very happy.

They split up late last year. We got together within weeks of them splitting up. It wasn't something either of us had planned and there had certainly been nothing prior to them splitting. Its not a situation I would normally have found myself in either but the circumstances were such that that is how it happened.

She and I weren't friends but were friendly. We knew each other and liked each other. I didn't see her after they split. Again by circumstance rather than design.

He told her that we had got together. She was upset (I think she's hoped the split would be temporary) but said she didn't want us to fall out over it. We are still friends on fb.

Sadly, she unexpectedly died a month ago. It is her funeral next week.

Her daughters have shared the details of her death and the funeral on fb (via her account) saying all are welcome.

Previously, I would have gone. My boyfriend/her ex is going which I think is right. We have several mutual friends who are going. But I don't feel it is appropriate for me to be there given the circumstances. I don't want to feel I'm adding to an already awful day.

I really want to send a message to her daughters expressing my sadness at their mum's passing, saying that I don't feel it is appropriate for me to attend her funeral so I won't be there but that I will be thinking of them on the day.

Would this be appropriate? Would you appreciate it?

I don't know how I would feel in similar circumstances if I were them. I feel that I'm a bit close to it all.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 07/04/2022 08:17

There will also be people attending the funeral. Who might not know they split up. Some of the messages on her fb page reflected this. People she perhaps wouldn't have updated with details of her life regularly.

OP posts:

seensome · 07/04/2022 08:24

I don't quite understand it wouldn't feel right, as she wasn't actually your friend, it's an open invite to all so her daughters aren't expecting you to be there and caught up in their own grief, I wouldn't message.

girlmom21 · 07/04/2022 08:25

She wanted to stay friends. I think you should go but be respectful and not flaunt your relationship.

Amdone123 · 07/04/2022 08:25

I would send a card saying how sorry I am etc, and let them know you'll be thinking of them ( I wouldn't say the under the circumstances part - they're not interested in that at this time).
I think you've made the right decision in not going to the funeral ( again, not because of the circumstances - her daughters are not going to know who's there or not. At least I didn't at my mum's funeral ), but because it's the right thing to do, in this case.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/04/2022 08:34

How well does your BF know the daughters? (I assume they are adults and he's not their dad.) Does he know if they are aware the two of you are seeing each other?

I think I would probably feel as you do and not go, but send a card. I wouldn't make any mention of the relationship in the card, just say "I can't be there but will be thinking of you all."

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 08:38

I wouldn’t go, and I’d send a card but without any mention of your current situation. Just a bog standard ‘sorry for your loss’ card.

JuneOsborne · 07/04/2022 08:39

I wouldn't go. I'd send a card.

Now's the time for a low profile.

RedRec · 07/04/2022 08:42

If you say the 'under the circumstances' bit you are making it all about you. It is not necessary.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 07/04/2022 08:43

I really don't think they'll be giving your situation much consideration at this time. You don't need to draw,attention to your absence, you didn't sound close and do her daughters even know you?

If you weren't in contact before her death it's entirely appropriate that you don't attend. Send a card without any explanation.

Peachy7 · 07/04/2022 08:47

Could you go with some of your mutual friends rather than your partner so it doesn't seem as you're there with him as such? Does he want you there as his support?

chaosrabbitland · 07/04/2022 08:52

i think what you have said you are thinking of is the right thing to do op

Lobelia123 · 07/04/2022 08:52

I wouldnt go. Its overstepping and if emotions are raw, you may offend her daughters, despite all the buts and explanations you give in your OP. Dont go, its not the right thing to do. Step back and be respectful. Dont send the message either. In the famous words of Jennifer Aniston, there seems to be a sensitivity chip missing! Its not about you. Id be upset if I were her daughters and received that message from you....Id think WTF??? Why is she inserting herself into this painful, private situation? Let your partner go and pay his respects, uninhibited by your presence and eyes observing everything and putting a brake on what he perhaps wants to say and do.

Peachy7 · 07/04/2022 09:13

And also to put it from a different perspective I couldn't tell you who 95% of the people that were actually at my husband's funeral were. You could go to the service, sit at the back, and not go to the wake.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 07/04/2022 09:30

I'd just send a card, don't include the bit about not being there etc- I know your intentions are good but that's making it about you and your discomfort. If anything it would remind them of a somewhat painful situation in their mum's personal life. Keep it neutral.

StrangeCondition · 07/04/2022 09:32

I personally wouldn't do anything, let him go on his own and leave it at that. I wouldn't send a card/text/note, just leave it - you don't know how her family feels about you and you could upset someone

Teeturtle · 07/04/2022 09:37

I am in two minds of whether you should go or not. But you definitely shouldn’t send the card about “under the circumstances”, the daughters probably haven’t given that any thought and you are just going to make this about you when it isn’t.

Original poster

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 07/04/2022 12:02

Thanks. I was uncertain about the wording myself which is why I wanted to ask.

I've met one of her daughters a few times. When I say we weren't friends, I mean we didn't meet up but we did keep in touch via messages occasionally amd our interactions were always genuine and warm. She was a lovely woman.

If he and I hadn't been together, I would definitely have gone. Which is why I feel the way I do.

I don't know how her family feels, no, but she didn't want us to stop being friends (her words).

But it's true, it's not about me or how I feel and I wouldn't want to cause any upset inadvertently.

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 07/04/2022 12:09

just send a neutral card.

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/04/2022 12:38

I wouldn’t go

whitewashing · 07/04/2022 13:07

I don’t think her daughters would expect you to go would they? I really don’t think they’ll really care if you don’t turn up tbh.

Onthedunes · 07/04/2022 13:39

I fond it bizzare that this woman gleefully accepted you going out with her husband/partner.

Is your partner the father of those girls?

Maybe his partner/wife who wished to remain friends with you didn't make the connection that you had overlapped in your relationship with him.
But I should imagine others will have come to that conclusion and maybe staying away would be wise.

I also wouldn't write them a letter, they have other things to think about now.

Just send a sympathy card and flowers to the funeral.

namechange30455 · 07/04/2022 13:43

@Onthedunes

I fond it bizzare that this woman gleefully accepted you going out with her husband/partner.

Is your partner the father of those girls?

I also wouldn't write them a letter, they have other things to think about now.

Just send a sympathy card and flowers to the funeral.

Doesn't the OP say there was no overlap?

thestarvingcaterpillar · 07/04/2022 13:47

If you really feel like you need to go and pay your respects then do this but go on your own, sit near the back and then leave quietly. I very much doubt that her daughters will even notice who is there, you don't need to send a card.

fedup078 · 07/04/2022 13:49

I don't think you should go or send any messages

Pinkbonbon · 07/04/2022 14:03

I think you should go if you want to say goodbye. Maybe go separately of your partner though. I doubt anyone will notice one way or another.

Don't send a card though. That might annoy me if I was the kid as I'd feel you needed to make it all about you.

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