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Original poster

What would you do in this situation?

46 replies

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 07/04/2022 08:14

I've been in a relationship for the past 5 months with someone I've known for a few years. When we met, he had a partner and was very happy.

They split up late last year. We got together within weeks of them splitting up. It wasn't something either of us had planned and there had certainly been nothing prior to them splitting. Its not a situation I would normally have found myself in either but the circumstances were such that that is how it happened.

She and I weren't friends but were friendly. We knew each other and liked each other. I didn't see her after they split. Again by circumstance rather than design.

He told her that we had got together. She was upset (I think she's hoped the split would be temporary) but said she didn't want us to fall out over it. We are still friends on fb.

Sadly, she unexpectedly died a month ago. It is her funeral next week.

Her daughters have shared the details of her death and the funeral on fb (via her account) saying all are welcome.

Previously, I would have gone. My boyfriend/her ex is going which I think is right. We have several mutual friends who are going. But I don't feel it is appropriate for me to be there given the circumstances. I don't want to feel I'm adding to an already awful day.

I really want to send a message to her daughters expressing my sadness at their mum's passing, saying that I don't feel it is appropriate for me to attend her funeral so I won't be there but that I will be thinking of them on the day.

Would this be appropriate? Would you appreciate it?

I don't know how I would feel in similar circumstances if I were them. I feel that I'm a bit close to it all.

Thank you.

OP posts:

chisanunian · 07/04/2022 14:28

Don't send a card though. That might annoy me if I was the kid as I'd feel you needed to make it all about you.

How in the wide world does sending a card to someone make it all about the sender rather than the recipient?

Pinkbonbon · 07/04/2022 14:37

@chisanunian.

In this context I would perhaps feel like she was trying to stay relevant. I mean, if you get lots of sympathy cards then you probably wouldn't notice but if one of the few that arrives is from the new gf of your mums ex...it might feel a little...irritating. Just the fact that, that whole situation isn't something you want to be reminded off right now. It seems the opposite of sympathetic.

I mean for all we know the kids know the whole story and are fine with op. But I wouldn't risk it. It might stir up more hurt. Besides, you don't want to be reminded of the hurts your mum faced in life when she has just died.

Original poster

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 07/04/2022 17:32

@Onthedunes

I fond it bizzare that this woman gleefully accepted you going out with her husband/partner.

Is your partner the father of those girls?

Maybe his partner/wife who wished to remain friends with you didn't make the connection that you had overlapped in your relationship with him.
But I should imagine others will have come to that conclusion and maybe staying away would be wise.

I also wouldn't write them a letter, they have other things to think about now.

Just send a sympathy card and flowers to the funeral.

Do you always have such a floor for the dramatic?

I didn't say she 'gleefully accepted it' and it was quite clear that there was no crossover

You can't just rewrite people's posts to suit your own narrative.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 07/04/2022 23:34

I'm sorry, I'm only going on how I would have felt if my partner had started seeing someone only two weeks after we had split up, who he previously knew.

Your narative is your narative, I'm only saying others may not see it like that.

I suppose there are others factors to consider such as how long he was with his partner, if they were married, are the children his children etc.

Personally I wouldn't go, or write a letter.

Eatprayrun · 08/04/2022 01:58

@Onthedunes

I'm sorry, I'm only going on how I would have felt if my partner had started seeing someone only two weeks after we had split up, who he previously knew.

Your narative is your narative, I'm only saying others may not see it like that.

I suppose there are others factors to consider such as how long he was with his partner, if they were married, are the children his children etc.

Personally I wouldn't go, or write a letter.

I agree with this about how others might see your narrative. You said you weren’t friends, only friendly.
I wouldn’t write a letter either, it seems quite intrusive and a bit attention seeking TBH. Don’t be a grief thief.

KellsBells77 · 08/04/2022 02:19

She’s not being a “grief thief” nor making it about her as a previous poster suggested, she’s being considerate and wants to do the right thing.

There was no overlap OP so it isn’t a case of you taking him away from her. If you would have gone previously then perhaps you should (without your partner of course). If not then a simple card of condolence.

Geppili · 08/04/2022 02:34

Don't go and don't send any message.

Eatprayrun · 08/04/2022 02:36

@KellsBells77

She’s not being a “grief thief” nor making it about her as a previous poster suggested, she’s being considerate and wants to do the right thing.

What’s she going to put in the card to the women’s family? “I wasn’t actually friends with your Mum, haven’t seen her in at least 5 and a half months, but I read her posts on Facebook and have been dating her ex-partner for 5 months that she only split up with about 5 and a half months ago”?

I would find it intrusive if a person with that little connection turned up to my Mum’s funeral or sent a letter TBH.

Dancer47 · 08/04/2022 02:54

Of-course it's not appropriate at all for you to go.

Low profile.
No letter is necessary - you are peripheral to this death and funeral and there is no need to insert yourself in to it. If you do, the family might think your partner was actually having an affair with you, because you got together so soon after they split up. It would hurt them deeply and make the funeral an even harder day for the family than it already will be. People talk at funerals.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 08/04/2022 03:31

I wouldn’t go . I wouldn’t send a card. You weren’t great friends. There is really no need for you to be there.

Figgyboa · 08/04/2022 04:01

Please don't go and no need to msg the children separately. Let your bf and her children grieve in peace (sorry this situation is very personal to me, I was in a similar situation)

Original poster

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 08/04/2022 05:44

I think I was quite clear in my first post that I wasn't going. So not sure why there are no many people telling me not to go.

OP posts:

bhooks · 08/04/2022 07:08

If you would have gone should it have happened a year ago, then you could go but on your own and not with your boyfriend as a couple. Go separately, sit separately, mingle separately - there as two individuals nothing more.

However, it's probably best to simply send a card. You could maybe include a note that simply says something along the lines of sorry I can't be there" don't say anything about appropriateness. And then send flowers/donation to the chosen charity.

girlmom21 · 08/04/2022 07:55

@TooEarlyToThinkOfAName

I think I was quite clear in my first post that I wasn't going. So not sure why there are no many people telling me not to go.

Because your second post made it sound like you were second-guessing your decision

Original poster

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 08/04/2022 08:14

Ah ok. No. Definitely not going. I was just trying to give more clarity not second guessing.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 08/04/2022 13:43

So you are definite about your decision to not go to the funeral, why is that, because other guests know you are together or her family (daughters) know you are together and this makes you feel ?

I don't think a letter is suitable, the daughters probably know the situation, people don't live in vacuums.

Don't do anything, I can understand how you feel, to not go makes it look like you are ashamed of your behaviour and to go makes it look like you are insensitive.

Original poster

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 08/04/2022 16:26

Don't do anything, I can understand how you feel, to not go makes it look like you are ashamed of your behaviour and to go makes it look like you are insensitive.

Yeah, that's exactly it.

Not going because I don't want to look like I'm rubbing their noses in it. I don't want people distracted by his new relationship. Precisely because I don't want any element of it to be about me or him or me and him.

Obviously, all our friends know we are together but she might well have friends who are very upset who aren't even aware they'd separated. It wouldn't be very nice for them either.

I agree her children probably won't know who's is there or not but the other mourners will.

Anyway, I've decided to do nothing.

OP posts:

latriciamcneal · 08/04/2022 16:57

I would go separate to him, not speak to him whilst there, and simply go and pay my respects to her, then go home.

Original poster

TooEarlyToThinkOfAName · 08/04/2022 17:11

That would be impossible. If he were there with mutual friends amd I was standing somewhere else on my own with no one. That would just be ridiculous.

OP posts:

Horological · 08/04/2022 17:24

I find many of the posts on here quite odd.

OP says in her original post that she wasn't sure about going to go to the funeral. She thought it more appropriate to send a message. This would be totally appropriate and something any kind and decent person would do in this situation. I don't think you need to mention anything about recent circumstances, just give your deepest sympathies.

Why do people think that the OP sending a sympathy message is making it all about her? Weird.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 08/04/2022 18:31

@Horological

I find many of the posts on here quite odd.

Why do people think that the OP sending a sympathy message is making it all about her? Weird.

Sending a card with a simple message of condolence wouldn't be making it about the OP. Sending the message she initially suggested (in good faith), referring to the potential for awkwardness if she went to the funeral due to her current relationship with the deceased's ex, would have been making it about her. That is what I think most PPs mean.

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