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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ive ran away to a hotel from them all. Now what?

31 replies

Mamabananananana · 05/04/2022 21:17

DH and i have been arguing constantly - he can never see past himself, and is often horrible to be around. A lot of issues that he doesn't address

This week , I really wanted to leave him finally.

I started to look at homes to buy or rent in my home town where siblings and DM live: with the thought that they could support me if i left.

So i packed suitcases and travelled to DMs with my DC to get some peace/help/sympathy
We dont always get on, but i was desperate to get away.

Id been there 4 hours ( 2 of which DC and i were asleep) and chaos ensued, much shouting ,screaming ( not from me) before i repacked and ran away again

Now im in a cheap hotel in my curreny home town, having travelled all the way back with my small DC as i cant bear to return to DH and feel unwelcome at DMs.

So what now?

OP posts:
marjayy · 05/04/2022 21:23

Oh no, why were you made unwelcome? Was there plenty of space for you?

Original poster
Mamabananananana · 05/04/2022 21:44

@marjayy

I had asked for a small adjustment in the home ( reasonable, and most wouldve done it firstly without being asked) for my DC.
Was told its THIER house and they arent being dictated too. Shock
Escalated from there. ( again , not from me. I was quite shocked and quite honestly- i dont have any fight left in me)
So I left again.
Obviously , if my own family cany be considerate or even compassionately towards me - who can?
DC is sleepinh in hotel bed next to me
I guess ill have to return home tomorrow with my tail between my legs, and wait for DH to throw it in my face

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/04/2022 21:48

Why do you need to return with your tail between your legs.

You simply return saying that you have realised that leaving the house at this point without sorting it all out was the wrong plan. You still want to leave but you realise that discussing the way forward (is the house jointly owned) is the way to do it.

It does not mean you need to return to him

LowlandLucky · 05/04/2022 21:48

Gosh how awful. If you need to go back to your husband do so but make solid plans to leave, give yourself a deadline and work to it. Decide where you want to live and start saving money and gathering paperwork. Goodluck

MadKittenWoman · 05/04/2022 22:08

What was the ‘small adjustment’? More info needed.

BOOTS52 · 05/04/2022 22:25

Can you not contact Women's Aid and see if they can help you out for now and even just to have a chat with them as they may be able to help you or guide you some way. Sorry that your family are not supportive but argumentative and sounds like they just did not want you there which is horrible when you are going through such a difficult time. Ring Women's Aid and try to get some sleep. Has been away made you realize you cannot live with your husband. Also seek some legal advise as there is a way out but may take a bit of time to get things sorted. Could he not go and stay away for a few weeks while you try to sort things or will he be adamant he is not leaving the family home. Big hugs and hope you are ok. Things will get better, unfortunately you will have to go through the hard times now to get out of this relationship and things will improve and in a few months you will have some peace of mind. Keep posting for supports as sure others will have better advise for you.

BOOTS52 · 05/04/2022 22:44

Was it smoking by any chance as had an issue when my son was a baby and 20 years ago everyone seemed to smoke but did not want to be in a small room with smoke. Sorry your family so unsupportive and could not help you out or talk rationally or reasonably without going all mental. Life so hard at times but it will get better if you make a plan and you can do it.

WonderfulYou · 05/04/2022 22:45

How come you took the children with you?

Do you work?

Are you afraid of your DH and in an abusive relationship or are you just not getting on?

If you’re afraid to go back because of your/your children’s safety then I would ring the council first thing in the morning and say you are staying in a hotel with your children but you don’t have enough money to stay there long term and don’t have anywhere else to go.
Women’s aid may also be able to help you.

If they can’t and you’re home is safe to go back to then I’d just tell him you needed a break but it’s your home too so you are coming back so you can sort your relationship out (and secretly keep looking for somewhere else to live).

The only thing I will add is you need to be careful about moving your children around too much.
In one day they’ve moved out of their family home without their dad, moved in with their grandma and are now in a hotel and probably tomorrow going back home until you leave again.

SPL2022 · 05/04/2022 22:55

Can you rearrange your current home so you have your own room? Stay separate from DH?

Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2022 23:08

Sounds like you came from a toxic gamely background and so ended up in a toxic relationship because its all you knew.

Take a day or two away. Use it to have some fun outings with the kids. Then start taking steps to leave permanently. Dont raise the kids in a household seeing their mother suffer. Else they in turn will continue the cycle.

Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2022 23:09

*toxic family

Original poster
Mamabananananana · 06/04/2022 08:29

@BOOTS52 yes it was. We came into the sitting room to find my sibling smoking so I registered surprise and asked her to smoke in the kitchen with the back door open ( they went crazy). Thought DM would back me up but she told me i wasnt dictating to them in their own home, but very nastily.
They both ended up shouting while i stood there with DC ,shocked.

DC is now in the hotel bed having a ball eating rice cakes watching tv.
Im sick with dread and defeat of returning

OP posts:
billy1966 · 06/04/2022 08:34

Call Women's aid for advice in your location.
Flowers

ramarama · 06/04/2022 09:05

Hopefully OP you can afford another night or two in the hotel to decide next steps without rushing back?
If you think your family/DM situation is salvageable, maybe try to meet your mum nearby (neutral territory, not their house!) for a coffee and a chat and just say you need their help.

And if you think things are OK with your mum, could she watch the kids for a few hours to give you breathing space?

Even if you don't feel you can rely on your family, you can Contact women's aid and get some advice. Then decide if you want to go back to your partner and discuss with him about leaving, or if you want to play nice then stay for a month or two assessing the situation and pulling all the threads (financials, paperwork, renting a new place) together whilst you plan your exit.

Whether it's worth going back for a short time probably depends on your financial situation and also whether he has a temper/any danger in returning etc. Wishing you all the luck (you'll be fine - you had the drive to leave, and that's something!)

beastlyslumber · 06/04/2022 09:06

Good for you, getting away, OP. I think it's a good idea to call WOmen's Aid in your area.

As far as going back to the house, maybe you will have no choice but to do so in the short term - only if your partner is not violent or dangerous. Do you have any friends in the area who might support you? What's the housing situation - do you own, rent? Whose name is the house in? You do have some rights here, so maybe take the opportunity over the next couple of days to get your ducks in a row.

I'm so sorry your family have treated you this way. It's a common story that a person willl go from an abusive family situation into an abusive marriage or partnership. You are now breaking the cycle, so be proud, and stay strong Flowers

Spannwr1971 · 06/04/2022 09:30

Good for you for not staying in a house with smokers. Sadly, they seem oblivious to how gross it is.

Squeezyhug · 06/04/2022 09:45

Hi Op

If you need to and can afford it, why not book yourselves in for another night at the hotel ?

Then you can go back with your mind a bit clearer but definately not with your tail between your legs.

You can hold your head up high and tell DH you needed to get away even just for a night or 2
You don’t have to say anything about DM not being supportive. Just say you went to a hotel and it was very nice.

Most importantly, you now need to make a plan to leave him.
For your safety don’t tell him you are planning this.

Get copies of important paperwork

Bank statements
His payslips
His pension statements
Mortgage statement if house is owned
You and dc passports

Put them somewhere safe where he won’t see them gathered together ( when I did this I had nowhere to put them except the boot of my car... not the best place, I know but I needed them out of the house in case I wasn’t able to go back)

Call Women’s Aid asap
They can give you details of lawyers who are savvy in dealing with abusive men)

Do you work op?

knittingaddict · 06/04/2022 09:46

We helped our daughter and grandchildren leave an abusive relationship, but I would still need more information before deciding who was unreasonable in your case.

Did you talk to your family at all before leaving and did they know you were coming? We knew for a few days that leaving was a posibility, which gave us a little time to prepare practically and mentally.

Is your husband abusive? If he is Women's Aid may be able to find you a refuge. You may end up in a small room with all your children (my daughter did) but at least it will be non smoking. No need to go back home if he is an abuser, but no solutions are going to be ideal.

BOOTS52 · 06/04/2022 14:43

Sorry to hear that and why was your sister going mental no need at all, easy to just smoke at the door. Did you ring Women's Aid yet? I hope you are ok and thinking of you and there is hope and change ahead if things are that bad at home which am guessing they are or else you would not have went to your mum's who does not seem very supportive and better off not there as just as bad as at home for you and your children. You will come out of all this stronger. Mind yourself. Has your husband been in contact yet?

BOOTS52 · 07/04/2022 22:29

You ok there? Do not say you are defeated as you have made the 1st stand to find your inner strength and just wanted to see you are ok.

SarahDippity · 07/04/2022 22:34

@knittingaddict

We helped our daughter and grandchildren leave an abusive relationship, but I would still need more information before deciding who was unreasonable in your case.

Did you talk to your family at all before leaving and did they know you were coming? We knew for a few days that leaving was a posibility, which gave us a little time to prepare practically and mentally.

Is your husband abusive? If he is Women's Aid may be able to find you a refuge. You may end up in a small room with all your children (my daughter did) but at least it will be non smoking. No need to go back home if he is an abuser, but no solutions are going to be ideal.

It’s not AIBU.
Comedycook · 07/04/2022 22:37

Is your husband abusive or do you just not get on?

If he's abusive, then call Women's Aid.

If you just don't get on and you are safe at home, then I'd return...but say you want to separate and work out how to do it.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 07/04/2022 22:58

I remember taking my 2 babies to a carpark for the night. Sat sobbing for hours until my phone died and we were cold... Went home and knew my marriage was rock bottom.
Found a rental and moved out.
Felt no shame just determination...
You can do it op.

knittingaddict · 08/04/2022 08:06

It's not AIBU

Tgat was your takeaway from my post ?

I never said it was. You are allowed to use the words reasonable and unreasonable on other forums you know.

GoldenGorilla · 08/04/2022 08:15

@knittingaddict - my takeaway from your post was that you’re picking apart whether or not the OP’s family behaved badly, which really isn’t the issue here.

She feels unsupported. She wants to leave her marriage. She is sitting upset in a hotel room wondering what to do next.

So your post just wasn’t very helpful.

Maybe focus on thinking about what the OP could do next?