Page 2 | Ick for husband

RedPanda901 · 05/04/2022 21:48

I think this is sometimes the drudgery of day to day chores/responsibilities. During the week my DH is always out of the loop even though I explain what's happening with DC and we have a shared digital diary. It's like having another child, questioning what's happening, why I'm stirring the dinner that way. On the weekends without work commitments to get in the way, our relationship improves so much.

comfortablyfrumpy · 05/04/2022 21:54

@TheRealityCheque

Listen to yourselves - "The ick"?

Are you all 12? Pathetic.

Consider yourself lucky you have never had the ick.

It is real - and it's awful.

ReadyToMoveIt · 05/04/2022 21:55

The ‘ick’ is a ridiculous sounding word but a genuine issue.

Dissimilitude · 05/04/2022 21:58

It's pure displacement!

You just don't like your husbands any more, just admit it :-)

treasure47 · 05/04/2022 22:00

@Albgo

I'd be devastated if my husband thought / wrote this about me. Your post focuses on your feelings (understandably), but what about his? Doesn't he deserve to be with someone who isn't disgusted by him 5 out of 7 days? It's a sad situation for both of you, but personally I'd leave in your position. Staying with him because you feel 'trapped' seems cruel.

Speaking personally at least, this is easier said than done. When I've tried to explain this to my DH (in a kinder way), he gets angry, can't understand, questions our entire relationship which in turn makes me question and doubt my own thoughts/feelings. It's really easy to look at it objectively and say "this is what you should do" and I agree, but it's not always that black and white.

ReadyToMoveIt · 05/04/2022 22:01

@treasure47 of course he gets angry, wouldn’t you be a tad upset if someone told you that they felt this way about you?

treasure47 · 05/04/2022 22:02

[quote ReadyToMoveIt]@treasure47 of course he gets angry, wouldn’t you be a tad upset if someone told you that they felt this way about you?[/quote]
Of course! I completely understand the anger and upset! Which makes it so difficult to do anything about it.

ReadyToMoveIt · 05/04/2022 22:03

And of course he questions your entire relationship… so would I if my husband told me that 5 days out of 7 I made him cringe. The point is that if you feel this way about him, the kindest thing to do is to let him leave and find someone who doesn’t find him repulsive.

treasure47 · 05/04/2022 22:04

@ReadyToMoveIt

And of course he questions your entire relationship… so would I if my husband told me that 5 days out of 7 I made him cringe. The point is that if you feel this way about him, the kindest thing to do is to let him leave and find someone who doesn’t find him repulsive.

That was OP, not me, but I see your point. It's just awful hurting someone, and I hate that I feel this way. I wish I didn't.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 05/04/2022 22:11

God I've had this before with my dh

I think with me it's def based around hormones and stress levels at times.

He's a very kind laid back kind of guy which is brilliant and we bounce off each other and always have done but very now and then I get it op.

I put it down to feeling like I've got three dc at times because he can be out of the loop but I do tell him now that I feel like I'm parenting him at times and that's def not very sexy is it

Add to that the lack of sex due to opposite work schedules and dc and it makes for the ick

We had a minor disagreement last week. Nothing th major but he blanked me and was pretty awkward for a day. I asked him via txt if he wanted to have a conversation about it when I got home from work and he didn't reply then said whatever which he knows winds me up.

I got home and told him his childish twatty behaviour has put me right off him which it did and I'm still abit off with him now to be honest but it will ease off.

Funnily enough a friend of mine was taking about this the other day
She's recently had a hysterectomy so her hormones are buggered and she has got the ick and no patience with her dh at the minute.

Called him a whining child twat this morning

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 05/04/2022 22:15

@TheRealityCheque

Listen to yourselves - "The ick"?

Are you all 12? Pathetic.

It's a well known thing on Mumsnet. Well done you for putting everyone in their place though, how very dare they try to discuss their feelings and experiences on a chat forum? Pathetic indeed.

Viviennemary · 05/04/2022 22:15

Sounds like it's the end of the road for your marriage. But are you perfect.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/04/2022 22:18

I had the ick in every relationship I ever had. I realised eventually that it was me and I just cannot live with other people.

ReadyToMoveIt · 05/04/2022 22:20

@treasure47 of course, but the alternative is keeping him trapped in a marriage where the person who he thinks loves him actually feels repulsed by him.

Toloveandtowork · 05/04/2022 22:24

Apparently, women get the ick, go off a man after a few years. It's nature's way of maximizing the genetic potential off offspring.
I've experienced it in every relationship I've had. Not necessarily full on ick, but lack of sexual attraction, more like brother and sister.

nearlyspringyay · 05/04/2022 22:36

Got it too oo, I know it's over, it's when to do it. There's no comeback I'm sure.

WonderfulYou · 05/04/2022 22:37

However when I'm around him for a longer period of time like weekends, I tend to become more relaxed and confident around him, I also think his behaviour gets more relaxed and abit less icky.

As your ick seems to lessen then I don’t think it’s the proper ick - the proper ick is once you have it there’s almost no coming back from it.

What stands out is that you say it’s after you finish work.
So could it be that your job is stressful and you are irritable and need to ‘decompress’ before dealing with other people?

I know for me I need some time to mentally relax before having conversations with someone.

Or could it be that he doesn’t do much around he house?
So you’ve just had a hard day at work and have loads of extra stuff to do whilst he’s sat there but pulling his weight.

I always think life’s too short and if you’re not happy then leave.
But because you don’t always feel this way I think you should think about things you could change after you finish work before leaving.

AmericanStickInsect · 05/04/2022 22:45

From 3.05 or 4.40 if you're pushed for time

Bailey48 · 05/04/2022 23:12

@Jenn500

I am in a predicament with my relationship. My husband gives me the ick a lot. The language he uses, his facial expressions, the way he eats etc. When he gets home from work I always get the ick feeling and it makes me feel angry at him, but obviously I can't just start an argument so I have to like repress it! We don't spend our evenings together as have separate interests, but because of the ick I don't feel like I want to try and spend more time together.

However when I'm around him for a longer period of time like weekends, I tend to become more relaxed and confident around him, I also think his behaviour gets more relaxed and abit less icky. We have two young kids and I tend to prefer having his help than being alone, there's definitely benefits to being a family. I sometimes wonder if my mood effects how much ick I feel for him and if I could make myself happier in other areas of my life I would accept him more?
It's this constant weekly cycle I've had with him for years. By Sunday I feel content, but then Monday its the ick again!
If we didn't have kids I would have probably split up, but now i feel like they come first and there is many benefits to staying together

Does anyone else have this in long term relationship? Should we split?

Going through the same awful As it sounds glad not alone

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 05/04/2022 23:41

Same. Although mine started from an online indiscretion on his part that I found out about. Was angry for about a year, now just have the ick. Heartbreaking to see my marriage going downhill, he was the love of my life. Was. Can’t leave but honestly don’t know where we go from here. Living in limbo. Don’t be like me.

Original poster

Jenn500 · 06/04/2022 06:05

I don't work but look after the kids. I do think my mindset may be part of the reason but not fully. Its not as simple to leave anymore, I have no other support or money

OP posts:

Obelisk · 06/04/2022 06:27

I think you can work through the ick, especially as the more time you spend together the less you feel it. It sounds to me as if it’s rooted in stress and irritability- looking after children all day and then this bloke turns up with his way of eating and his tendency to say things... At the risk of sounding really po-faced, I find what helps is trying to see things from his point of view and having compassion. Don’t focus on the ick. Make a sort of leap of faith in your relationship. Try to get out of your head a bit.

Of course maybe it won’t work and then you’ll need to decide whether to stay. But at the moment it sounds as if you’re caught in a cycle of irritability and stress during the week which is stopping you seeing your husband as a person with feelings. It’s worth at least trying to break the cycle.

Obelisk · 06/04/2022 06:31

I’d add that I think this is especially common when you have small children and one person is busy at home all day and the other is at work outside the home. Your lives during the week are so different and it can take a bit of time to get back in tune with one another. If you went on holiday together for a week, do you think that would make things better or worse? If better, then it seems to me that there is something worth saving.

SunshinePie · 06/04/2022 06:44

As a therapist I would say that there is underlying anger during the week that is unspoken about. It surfaces as “ick”, but is something deeper. Are you jealous that your husband gets to go to work whilst you are stuck at home with kids? You need to pin point what is upsetting you and then discuss it with your husband. You would be surprised how easily this can be overcome.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 06/04/2022 06:56

I have this and there's only a 4y age gap! That and less than perfect personal hygiene!