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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ick for husband

59 replies

Jenn500 · 05/04/2022 19:54

I am in a predicament with my relationship. My husband gives me the ick a lot. The language he uses, his facial expressions, the way he eats etc. When he gets home from work I always get the ick feeling and it makes me feel angry at him, but obviously I can't just start an argument so I have to like repress it! We don't spend our evenings together as have separate interests, but because of the ick I don't feel like I want to try and spend more time together.

However when I'm around him for a longer period of time like weekends, I tend to become more relaxed and confident around him, I also think his behaviour gets more relaxed and abit less icky. We have two young kids and I tend to prefer having his help than being alone, there's definitely benefits to being a family. I sometimes wonder if my mood effects how much ick I feel for him and if I could make myself happier in other areas of my life I would accept him more?
It's this constant weekly cycle I've had with him for years. By Sunday I feel content, but then Monday its the ick again!
If we didn't have kids I would have probably split up, but now i feel like they come first and there is many benefits to staying together

Does anyone else have this in long term relationship? Should we split?

OP posts:
neverstophopping · 05/04/2022 19:57

It's never worth it, I was like this with my exh, and breaking up was horrible. But I'm genuinely in love now and the kids are much happier. They can pick up on it and it can effect their behaviour and all sorts

FuglyBitch · 05/04/2022 20:01

Please describe ick?

Introvertlove · 05/04/2022 20:21

I had this. And decided to leave after around 3 years of this feeling. I tried to stay as long as I could. It never went away for me personally, and I am in a much happier place now

Original poster
Jenn500 · 05/04/2022 20:23

It is like a horrible feeling of disgust and anger you get with a person's behaviour. Some people get it with watching people eat.

OP posts:
wishing3 · 05/04/2022 20:28

I’ve heard people say they had this when their kids were young and it went. More related to circumstances causing feelings to come out in this way. Did you have it before kids? If not might be worth giving it a bit of time.

Dissimilitude · 05/04/2022 20:28

I always thought of it as a way of saying you don't like someone much without wanting to admit you don't like them much.

Yxzl · 05/04/2022 20:32

How long have you been together? Could it be a phase?

ReadyToMoveIt · 05/04/2022 20:32

I don’t think you can come back from the ick.

Original poster
Jenn500 · 05/04/2022 20:38

It was there before the kids, it was most intense when I had a newborn. It seems like the more time I'm with him like Weekend, holiday etc the less I have it, but its still there. Its like when I first see him after work it is always there. As my feelings constantly change, I've never bitten the bullet and left, now I'm trapped with kids and a mortgage.

OP posts:
Justnotsureaboutit2021 · 05/04/2022 20:39

I have it too, likewise young kids. Had it a bit prior to the kids but ignored it. Sometimes wonder if its hormonal linked, or perhaps just gets worse at certain times of the month. It doesn't help that sometimes he is incredibly annoying, like tonight, being a bit withdrawn and argumentative.

Justnotsureaboutit2021 · 05/04/2022 20:41

I do wonder if its also to do with attachment style. I am anxious so when I spend lots of time with him i feel secure but when I don't, I feel that distance and feel almost threatened by his independence. If you have not already, consider getting the book 'Attached' by Dr Amir Levine. it's quite insightful

DrBrennerFan · 05/04/2022 20:45

Oh mines said “you coming to see the furries with me?” No I’m bloody not and if after I’ve got stranger things s4 no bloody chance.

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/04/2022 20:48

I have it too. There’s an 11 year age gap and it seems to get bigger as we age. I look at him now and see his dad 😱
He drops food down his front, snores horrendously, sleeps in the day on the couch. It’s like living in a nursing home.

poppymaewrite · 05/04/2022 20:49

If you feel the ick of weekdays maybe it’s work that’s stressing you out

Justnotsureaboutit2021 · 05/04/2022 20:59

@GeneLovesJezebel

I have it too. There’s an 11 year age gap and it seems to get bigger as we age. I look at him now and see his dad 😱 He drops food down his front, snores horrendously, sleeps in the day on the couch. It’s like living in a nursing home.
same here although there is only 3 months between us. He is turning into a dull person too although in all honesty he wasn't that interesting at the beginning of our relationship but kind, incredibly kind.
Albgo · 05/04/2022 21:02

I'd be devastated if my husband thought / wrote this about me.
Your post focuses on your feelings (understandably), but what about his? Doesn't he deserve to be with someone who isn't disgusted by him 5 out of 7 days?
It's a sad situation for both of you, but personally I'd leave in your position. Staying with him because you feel 'trapped' seems cruel.

treasure47 · 05/04/2022 21:05

I get this too and I feel like I'm just being an awful person. Some of his mannerisms, even just the way he talks just irritates me for no real reason. Some days worse than others. I think some of it is because to me, I feel like we're more like friends than husband and wife but I'm very aware that there are certain things I should be doing as his wife that I just don't feel like doing (even just things like kissing), and I feel a bit of resentment that I have to force that.

Do you feel the ick around intimacy with him or just general behaviours?

JeffThePilot · 05/04/2022 21:18

@GeneLovesJezebel

I have it too. There’s an 11 year age gap and it seems to get bigger as we age. I look at him now and see his dad 😱 He drops food down his front, snores horrendously, sleeps in the day on the couch. It’s like living in a nursing home.
My first husband was 11 years older than me and I got the ick, he was also old before his time. I divorced him.

Now I’m married to a man 11 years younger than me so I’m waiting for my comeuppance…

ReadyToMoveIt · 05/04/2022 21:20

@Albgo

I'd be devastated if my husband thought / wrote this about me. Your post focuses on your feelings (understandably), but what about his? Doesn't he deserve to be with someone who isn't disgusted by him 5 out of 7 days? It's a sad situation for both of you, but personally I'd leave in your position. Staying with him because you feel 'trapped' seems cruel.
This is what I was thinking. Presuming the man hasn’t done anything ‘wrong’, I feel a bit sorry for him. I’m sure he’d rather be with someone who doesn’t feel so negatively towards him. Let him go, and you can both be happy.
FTEngineerM · 05/04/2022 21:23

I get it too.
I have told him too.

I hope it’s not him But the situation (not slept longer than 2 hours in 2 years now) we’re shells of the people we once were. I don’t doubt he feels the same when he looks at me.

We need excitement, we need individuality, we need hobbies, we need stimulation.

I’m holding onto the fact we’re going through this period together and we can come out of the other side together, supporting each other to blossom on the other side.

Slingsanderrors · 05/04/2022 21:27

@GeneLovesJezebel

I have it too. There’s an 11 year age gap and it seems to get bigger as we age. I look at him now and see his dad 😱 He drops food down his front, snores horrendously, sleeps in the day on the couch. It’s like living in a nursing home.
Yes to this. Mine’s a year younger than me, but behaves like a very old man (he’s 65). We don’t do anything together apart from watch tv, and I think daily that I’m living in a nursing home. Gives me the ick too.

I’m making plans to leave. You should too OP.

Peboh · 05/04/2022 21:29

It sounds like perhaps you're getting the ick because you aren't really vibing as a couple. You say when you spend more time together you don't feel it, but when during the week when you're off doing your own thing he annoys you.
This doesn't sound like a permanent annoyance. I think you could potentially work on it, but only if you really want to.

TheRealityCheque · 05/04/2022 21:31

Listen to yourselves - "The ick"?

Are you all 12? Pathetic.

Sunnytwobridges · 05/04/2022 21:36

@Jenn500

It is like a horrible feeling of disgust and anger you get with a person's behaviour. Some people get it with watching people eat.
Oh I've had this before. I felt this way with my DD's father and my recent ex. Just their presence filled me with disgust. One time when I waited in the car while my ex went into the store and I looked up and saw him walking back out my lip turned up in disgust. It wasn't even voluntary, it was just my immediate reaction when I looked at him. I knew then it was the beginning of the end for me and him.
KneadingKitty · 05/04/2022 21:43

Yes I did and yes you should if it's a long-term feeling. I actually realised it wasn't just him but men in general and then I went on the arc of realising I'm gay, but maybe it's just your specific DH Grin