Paranoid schizophrenic mother

[usernamechangetoday]

My mother has a diganosis of paranoid schizophrenia. She has been sectioned by the home office as a "danger to society" for around the last 35 years. She was very dangerous unmedicated and ended up in prison for the injuries she inflicted on my family members. She brought me up on and off until I was 11 and then my grandmother went to court to get custody of me. She has lived independently for the last 20 years and on a practical level does "ok". She has regular social worker visits but they have told me they want her to have a tribunal and get her off medication so they have one less person on their books!

My other relatives have now all passed away and I feel I have a certain responsibility towards her and the wider society by keeping in touch with her and visiting her.

The trouble is it is really affecting my self esteem. Obviously I had a very troubled childhood but I think I have done OK as an adult, I have a professional career, a lovely son and a great partner. But my self esteem has always been terrible and my confidence is low.

I take 4 hours out of my life to visit her each week and am subjected to numerous phone calls many times a week too.

Mostly she is "ok" and just talks about random people in her village without showing any interest in my life. When she's less OK, she can be agressive and paranoid (thinking people are breaking into her house is common), she knows very little about me but will be quite unpleasant telling me I don't know anything about certain things or deciding I am lazy etc etc. None of which has any basis on the actual truth. Either way, the visits and phone calls are draining and OK to deal with when I am feeling OK in myself but harder when I am having a bad day.

I think a lot of people know she is ill so somehow think I should be helping her more. But she refuses my help (often siting my inability to do anything). For example, she is constantly complaining and making a big issue about cutting her lawn. I have offered over and over again to help her - to do it with her lawnmower or with my lawnmower or to even pay a gardener. She refuses it all until I find her on her knees with kitchen scissors cutting it because "it's now too long to cut with the lawnmower" and then she suggests I join in with this bizarre behaviour too.

She doesn't use a washing machine because it doesn't spin. The legs need adjusting on the machine and then it will spin but she won't let me touch it, so she handwashes everything and bought a £300 spinning machine.

I bought her a very basic mobile phone designed for old people and set it all up for her including paying for credit and ensuring it was always topped up. She decided she didn't like it and bought herself a cheap but not easy to use mobile phone. I offer to help set it up. She refuses and asks someone in the village who didn't do it all and now she hasn't got a useable phone but I am not allowed to touch it because she makes it clear, I don't know anything about it despite proof that the last one worked and she did use it!

I try never to be left alone in a room without her as she may accuse me of stealing or moving something.

She buys me food every week but has never asked what food I like so I smile and take it so as not to offend her (she actually gets angry) but then I end up eating food I don't want or like (as I hate the thought of just throwing it all away). She snaps at me that I should eat an apple everyday or be a vegetarian. I am really interested in fitness and nutrition and have a good diet and yet I have to listen to this sort of talk from someone who eats nothing but apples, cheap bread, porridge and olive oil.

I have tried to find support groups in the past but never found anything. My partner and son understand but other people are always asking after my "Mum" as if she is just a normal old person with some "issues" they don't understand.

So how do I develop a thicker skin to deal with her? Or do I see her less? Cut her off? I have tried so much over the years but I can't seem to find the answer. My partner thinks I am stuffed whatever I do. I can never get satisfaction from helping her or geting any sort of bond but I have to get my confidence knocked over and over again.

Sending hugs OP.
You sound like a brilliant daughter. You've gone out of your way to do everything you can to look out for your mother even though it is less than rewarding, which is understandable given her diagnosis. It sounds as though you need to draw some boundaries and take a bit of space so that you can fill your own cup and build your self esteem.

www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/carers-hub/

Have a look at a site called Out of the FOG online, in particular 'boundaries'. I have had similar with my mum and know what you mean when others don't really get it...

Walk or preferably run very fast away from her. I dread to think what she will do if SS succeed in getting her off her medication.
It won't be pretty OP, I can assure you.

That's compassionate. Maybe we should do that for all people with mental illness and bring back asylums that we can shove people in and just forget about them?

You sound a lovely person OP, and have done amazingly to have been dealing with all that. But I think 4 hours of this behaviour every week plus phoncalla etc must be draining the life out of you. If I were you I would be cutting contact significantly. Maybe see her once a month tops. Does she go out so you can meet her outside? Mostly not answer the phone and just ring her every couple of weeks?

@GlamorousHeifer

Walk or preferably run very fast away from her. I dread to think what she will do if SS succeed in getting her off her medication. It won't be pretty OP, I can assure you.

It's likely they feel the CTO has run it's course and expect that she'll be compliant with medicating voluntarily, rather than SS having to monitor her compliance.

In any case, it's not unheard of for people with a decades-long schizophrenic diagnosis to come off medication entirely and actually be much better off for it. It's an illness that often changes dramatically with age.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming

That's compassionate. Maybe we should do that for all people with mental illness and bring back asylums that we can shove people in and just forget about them?

Actually a lot (not all, but a lot) of people with severe mental illnesses find the world such a terrifying, challenging place, that hospital is literally an asylum for them.

However, I think the OP has put her finger on the exact problem. OP, you are damned if you help your mum, and you are damned if you don't. I would ask you this though - if you pulled back a bit, saw her a bit less, threw away the horrible food... who would judge you? I don't think anyone who knew your mum would judge you one little bit.

Is she under the care of a psychiatrist? I would be speaking to her GP with a view to her medication being reassessed. It sounds as if her schizophrenia isnt stable so demand a proper psychiatric assessment. Disgraceful that the social worker is wanting her off meds so they can have one less person on their books!
Its tough op and you are doing a fantastic job but please speak to her doctor. Hopefully they can get her the help she needs

It wouldn't be compassionate to expect people who have been abused by someone when they were vulnerable to then give that person hands-on care. If I had an illness that meant I caused harm to my children when they were growing up and I was still able to harm them I wouldn't expect them to support me practically at any point. I would want for them to get away from me for their own benefit. I'm not saying they should be shunned but that it would be cruel to assume those who had been harmed when vulnerable to still be in harms way if they could still get hurt by them even psychologically. There are other adults who don't have historical wounds fron that person who can provide the care they need.

No real advice, OP, just sending you 💐. My Dad has a far less severe mental illness than your Mum and even that is incredibly draining. He criticizes and demeans me ( and other people) and tells people that I’ve done things I haven’t, what a selfish person I am, etc. Yet still expects unconditional love and support.

I agree with your partner that there isn’t an ideal solution so do what you feel you can, and don’t be afraid to say no sometimes or reduce contact. You need to look after yourself. 💐

I’d recommend reducing contact. It comes with guilt but, on balance, I have found it improved my mental health. You probably don’t realise quite how much stress each contact is putting on you. Give yourself some breathing space

You must put yourself first, protect yourself. I love that you have a set amount of time to see her. Turn your phone off. Great strategy not to let her know much about your life.

She should have a social worker or cpn, a gp , psychiatrist etc. Tell them all she needs more support. Write one letter or email and copy it to them all. You can't do this alone forever, it's too much.

My mother was a 'manic depressive schizophrenic with paranoid tendencies'. As she aged and became physically weaker (in her 70s) she was able to have her medication reduced. In her fifties, her 'chemical cosh' was so strong she could hardly move.

Seek therapy for yourself. What you have been through and are going through is very hard to bear. People in your situation and mine need long-term trauma therapy and such. You mustn't be alone with this.

Good point speakball

This is a very very sad situation but you really have to put yourself and your own family first. I think you should limit visits to once a month. You could give absolutely all of yourself to her and it wouldn't do her any good. I would really be firm in that tribunal that the decision should be made based on what's best for her not what's best financially.

Hi @usernamechangetoday,
Much empathy. It is very hard to break the Disney ideal of “Duty” and put your own needs first, especially when most people have absolutely no idea what it’s like growing up with a parent with MH issues. It’s not their fault of course, but they are not the living, kind parent you need. They force a different kind of maturity on you and you are “trained” from a really early age to compensate for their behaviours and deficits. You need to ask yourself who these visits really benefit and whether your visits and help are for yourself, your mother, or to give the public impression that you are the “dutiful daughter.”

At the moment it sounds like you’re not getting anything positive from all of this. You must be physically and emotionally exhausted by it. Is it possible that having you visit causes her anxiety, even if she gives the impression that she is looking forward to it or needs the interaction when you have these phone calls? You might discover that having you break up her “routine” is rough on her. She might benefit from carers or volunteers (if they are in her area) popping in for a cup of tea every second day or so keeping the visit short, but giving her the social interaction she craves and you some space.

She is calling you because you’re the only one left, not because she wants a relationship with you. MH issues can make people extremely self-focused. It sounds like she has no genuine concept of you as an independent, separate human being. You’re just the sounding board at the other end of the phone. You can turn your phone off and let her calls go to message bank. You are entitled to your own space. This includes mental space. You don’t have to be “present” for anyone 24/7 except yourself. (Oh, and newborns, but that’s different!) If she has carers in place, they can share the load and communicate with her MH team. You can get the feedback from the carers about her well-being and know that someone is checking her welfare on your behalf.

I’m hoping that you can see that there are ways around the obligation/guilt circle… If she refuses assistance, you know you tried.
One of my biggest regrets is allowing my mother to suck up so much of my precious time with my kids when they were little. I wish I had been more “selfish” and prioritized them and my own mental health. I can’t stress enough how likely it is that anyone growing up with a parent who has MH issues will suffer from C-PTSD.
This is a great YouTube site to check out. (Bite-sized, useful chunks) I would also recommend finding a good EMDR therapist if you can find one. (It’s like witchcraft!!!)

Thank you so much for all your helpful comments. the Fear Obligation Guilt thing really rings true. If I pull away I just end up feeling guilty, I get frustrated and angry (not at her) and then feel guilty.

The 4 hours include travel (she lives an hour away) so I only see her for a couple of hours at most. She definetely only sees me as a sounding board. She also phones the phone service "silverline" at all times of day or night (she doesn't have any sort of sleep routine).

She has a CPN and after me speaking with a social worker a year or two ago, she now also has a social worker visit every 3 weeks (they promised weekly but no-one seems to stay in the job for more than a few months). My Mother hates them coming, hides away the week's washing up in the cupboard so they don't see it. She says they snoop round her house etc. She would never take any comfort in spending time with people "forced" on her.

I regularly don't answer her calls and only answer when I'm physically and emotionally able to.

As for her seeing a GP, she won't see one for anything. She has a painful swollen leg which I suspect is due to heart problems (a side effect of the powerful medication) but she refuses to see anyone. She also is complaining of a persistent mouth ulcer but won't get it checked out. She hasn't had any covid jabs etc etc. She is very distrusting of the medical profession.

It is the psychiatrist who told her she should go to a tribunal and would probably win (she's in her 70's now, so isn't the same threat to society she once was). However, there is no way she would EVER take any medication of her own free will. But think of the cost saving to the NHS if she came off medication and refused any sort of support.

She goes to local meet up groups in the village organised through the church etc but she doesn't really enjoy anything or like anyone. She just rants about this "nasty bitch" or that "nasty cow" next time she sees me.

I'm having counselling and have had a few sessions in the past. To be honest, I think I know where all my "issues" come from and why, I am not sure I find it overly helpful though. I will look at EDMR though.

I think a lot of the reason I see her is about being the "dutiful daughter" it is about what other people think. She has told me herself that people in the village think I should do more for her. The reality is she won't let me do anything to help her. Even my friends and partners family ask "how is your Mum?" which is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask but I never really know what to say. Because she isn't "fine" or "normal" or even "sick" or "not doing so well at the moment" she is just "difficult, odd and mad". But that's not something that I would say. For years my partners family thought I was just being difficult or uncaring - he had to sit them down and really explain it and even now I don't think they "get it".

I know what you mean re counselling. Comes a time it begins to feel like you’re retraumatising yourself by rehashing your past. The EMDR is amazing for desensitizing specific issues or triggers. Nobody who hasn’t lived it will ever get it, so maybe you can work on your reaction to that. If you genuinely don’t care how they feel about it, it won’t matter. EMDR is awesome for this.

usernamechangetoday

re your comment:-
"I think a lot of the reason I see her is about being the "dutiful daughter" it is about what other people think".

Who cares what they think?. Why do you care so much what strangers think?. You bloody well matter!. They have also not been raised by someone like your mother and someone like she is totally outside the realms of their own life experience.

"She has told me herself that people in the village think I should do more for her".

Do you think this is actually true?. I doubt it very much and is perhaps said by her also to keep you both compliant and obligated to her. Its hard being practically the last one left who at all bothers with her (and that is because of your FOG as well as you worrying unnecessarily about what other people think) and she is using this to her advantage

How much contact do you yourself have with her CPN, social workers, pyschiatrist etc?.

I would certainly lower all current levels of contact to the barest minimum. Its not doing you any good by seeing her and self preservation is necessary. Concentrate your finite level of resources here on your own family unit.

That’s manipulative shit. If they do, (which I doubt very much) it’s because she’s telling them that you do even less than you really do for her - or nothing. I also doubt that she has much contact with these people anyway.

I would stick with therapy. I appreciate it's hard to see why if it doesn't feel like it's doing anything, but you do talk quite a bit about a preoccupation with what others think about what you are doing, and how you want them to understand your position. Why should they? No one has lived your life. Therapy has brought me to this understanding. No one really knows what went on in my family who wasn't actually there so how I conduct myself with them now is my business and mine alone. Of course we have narratives about being dutiful daughters but we need to challenge these for ourselves on our own, this has been one of the areas raised in my therapy. When we begin to weaken our grip on these beliefs we let go of the need to be seen as 'good daughters'. Good luck OP.

What helped me step away from a family member like this was to see that I couldn't help them over and above what help anyone else could provide without the reignited trauma. If your mum had 5 minutes of clarity and empathy for you she would want you to step away. She would acknowledge there was no real benefit from you putting yourself in harms way. None to her, and negatives for you.

@Fraaahnces
She is calling you because you’re the only one left, not because she wants a relationship with you. MH issues can make people extremely self-focused. It sounds like she has no genuine concept of you as an independent, separate human being. You’re just the sounding board at the other end of the phone.

This is spot on, exactly what can happen in these situations (and what's happened with my Dad as well). It's very sad, but that's why the OP has to protect herself.

Hi @usernamechangetoday

My mother also has paranoid schizophrenia and I was raised by grandparents from a similar age as you. While it doesn’t sound like I have the same involvement with my mum as you do, I am the go to when she becomes ‘unwell’.

I can completely empathise at how destabilising personally this is and also has an impact on our own self esteem.

I took a step back last time she became unwell, all my efforts to signpost her to help/ offer practical support were rebutted. I was receiving multiple calls and for the first time in my life I said enough. I asked her not to contact me again, after a few months her paranoia improved and she called to apologise. I’m not saying reducing contact will make your mother reflect, but putting yourself through the stress of this level of contact probably isn’t benefiting your mother or you.

Overcoming low self esteem by Melanie Fennell is a book a therapist recommended to me.

Sorry I’m rambling, sending solidarity.

It is correct that she only phones me because I am available - I don't think she is capable of actually caring about me or my life. I think sometimes I forget this. I also need to remember that it's not really about me. She isn't going out of her way to be nasty to me or to put me down but this is what she does. I think I am going to try and detach a little bit emotionally and practically. Stop offering help, stop "trying" to have a normal relationship because there will only be disappointment. I have already stopped answering all her phone calls and I am going to cut down on my visits. Other people will judge me whatever I do - but my life isn't about them and it doesn't matter what they think because they aren't me. I am already working through the Melanie Fennell book and I spoke a lot to my counsellor yesterday about this (hence why I am probably feeling more positive today!). I just need to keep remembering all this stuff and not get sucked into the depression and misery that she can bring into my life if I let it.