My mother has a diganosis of paranoid schizophrenia. She has been sectioned by the home office as a "danger to society" for around the last 35 years. She was very dangerous unmedicated and ended up in prison for the injuries she inflicted on my family members. She brought me up on and off until I was 11 and then my grandmother went to court to get custody of me. She has lived independently for the last 20 years and on a practical level does "ok". She has regular social worker visits but they have told me they want her to have a tribunal and get her off medication so they have one less person on their books!
My other relatives have now all passed away and I feel I have a certain responsibility towards her and the wider society by keeping in touch with her and visiting her.
The trouble is it is really affecting my self esteem. Obviously I had a very troubled childhood but I think I have done OK as an adult, I have a professional career, a lovely son and a great partner. But my self esteem has always been terrible and my confidence is low.
I take 4 hours out of my life to visit her each week and am subjected to numerous phone calls many times a week too.
Mostly she is "ok" and just talks about random people in her village without showing any interest in my life. When she's less OK, she can be agressive and paranoid (thinking people are breaking into her house is common), she knows very little about me but will be quite unpleasant telling me I don't know anything about certain things or deciding I am lazy etc etc. None of which has any basis on the actual truth. Either way, the visits and phone calls are draining and OK to deal with when I am feeling OK in myself but harder when I am having a bad day.
I think a lot of people know she is ill so somehow think I should be helping her more. But she refuses my help (often siting my inability to do anything). For example, she is constantly complaining and making a big issue about cutting her lawn. I have offered over and over again to help her - to do it with her lawnmower or with my lawnmower or to even pay a gardener. She refuses it all until I find her on her knees with kitchen scissors cutting it because "it's now too long to cut with the lawnmower" and then she suggests I join in with this bizarre behaviour too.
She doesn't use a washing machine because it doesn't spin. The legs need adjusting on the machine and then it will spin but she won't let me touch it, so she handwashes everything and bought a £300 spinning machine.
I bought her a very basic mobile phone designed for old people and set it all up for her including paying for credit and ensuring it was always topped up. She decided she didn't like it and bought herself a cheap but not easy to use mobile phone. I offer to help set it up. She refuses and asks someone in the village who didn't do it all and now she hasn't got a useable phone but I am not allowed to touch it because she makes it clear, I don't know anything about it despite proof that the last one worked and she did use it!
I try never to be left alone in a room without her as she may accuse me of stealing or moving something.
She buys me food every week but has never asked what food I like so I smile and take it so as not to offend her (she actually gets angry) but then I end up eating food I don't want or like (as I hate the thought of just throwing it all away). She snaps at me that I should eat an apple everyday or be a vegetarian. I am really interested in fitness and nutrition and have a good diet and yet I have to listen to this sort of talk from someone who eats nothing but apples, cheap bread, porridge and olive oil.
I have tried to find support groups in the past but never found anything. My partner and son understand but other people are always asking after my "Mum" as if she is just a normal old person with some "issues" they don't understand.
So how do I develop a thicker skin to deal with her? Or do I see her less? Cut her off? I have tried so much over the years but I can't seem to find the answer. My partner thinks I am stuffed whatever I do. I can never get satisfaction from helping her or geting any sort of bond but I have to get my confidence knocked over and over again.