Help me find the courage to leave him

[OhShouldI]

I don’t know if anyone will be awake but I would like some help.

Summer 2020 not long after moving in with my DP I discovered he had a porn addiction. I’ve never had an issue with my partners watching porn but this was having a big impact on our sex life. He promised me he would stop but after a few months I caught him again and this time he developed ED because he was watching it so much. This time he got help and went to a doctor who referred him to counselling. The counsellor referred him to a specialist sex service to deal with these issues but due to COVID his name has still not come up on the list.

After this we sorted out a porn block on the wifi and his phone and I though everything was fine. I obviously didn’t like living like this but I accepted he had an issue and tried to trust him again and put it behind me. I have just found out he is accessing it again via Reddit and has been for the last few weeks.

We couldn’t block the app from his phone but he deleted it and said he wouldn’t reinstall it. A few weeks ago he caught covid and I couldn’t afford to catch it so we were isolating away from each other in our home and he started accessing it again. What’s more hurtful is I was in hospital last week having surgery and I had a bad time coming out of it and I discovered he was watching it that night too.

I told him last time if he does it again that enough will be enough. I know I have to follow through on it because I can’t keep making empty threats but I am so heart broken. I don’t know why he keeps doing this to me. I can’t believe I’m in this position, if any of my friends came to me I’d ask them WTF they were doing but why am I finding this so hard.

We’re 25, have no kids, not married so easy to leave. Together for three years, saving for a house deposit (luckily seperate ISAs!) and we were discussing the prospect of moving out of the city and having children within the next year. I might have to go into a house share if I leave as I cannot afford to rent a whole place in the city alone. Part of me is wondering if I’m over reacting to this but he has completely broke my trust and lied to me. I don’t think I’ll get over the fact he was doing that whilst I was in hospital and struggling. We have just had it out and he’s sleeping on the sofa. A hand hold, a kick up the arse or advice would be nice please.

I’m still recovering from surgery, I feel like shit. I’ve only today managed to properly get myself up off the sofa without crying in pain and now I just feel even more disgusting and horrible about myself.

Take a deep breath. You need to focus on getting yourself better after surgery. You don’t need to do anything drastic right this minute.

Thank yourself lucky that you’re 25 with no children. This man has shown you who he is. He will not change. It’s much easier to leave now than it would be in ten years time. You can do this.

You need to act with the guidance of your head, not your heart. Lead with the head, hard though that will be, and the heart will catch up.

Well done for keeping your money separate. You can find a house share or a sublet and thank your lucky stars that you are not tied to this man with a baby or a wedding ring. He would make a terrible husband and an even worse father. Can you imagine recovering from childbirth in hospital and wondering what he's getting up to at home?

It's nice to feel you are getting your life goals squared away, planning a family and hoping to buy a home but it would be a huge mistake to try to fit this man into that plan. He has shown you who he is: accept it and move onward and upward. You deserve someone completely available to you and ready for a real relationship.

The sad sack you are with has chosen what he wants, and it's not you. Think of parting ways as freeing up space in your life for someone worthy of you to fill.

Thank you. I just honestly don’t know what to do with myself. This is the only problem we have ever had. Apart from that he is lovely and I love him so much but I know this is a huge problem. He saw what it did to me the first time when he developed ED, it completely crippled my self esteem and I blamed myself for a long time. I had a feeling he was doing it again because like the last time he stopped being as nice to me. Not horrible, but not his usual self. My spidey senses have been tingling but I couldn’t go near his phone because of the covid.

I so long for a baby and I am so angry at him that he has completely flipped that upside down. But you are both right and I am so thankful I found this out again now and not later. I am usually a strong, independent woman. This is not who I am. I haven’t cried yet, I think I’m just so angry. I’ve called him all the names under the sun but it hasn’t made me feel better. I’m off work for a while because of the surgery and I know I’m just going to sit and stew on this tomorrow and drive myself crazy. I don’t want to let him weasel his way back in whilst I’m weak.

I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone I know about this, I didn’t tell them the last time and I don’t even know where to begin. It just sounds ridiculous. Nobody would expect this from him either.

All I can do is echo PP. You are 25. Get out now.

Imagine what this man will be like when he’s 40.

You are not over reacting.
He is an addict.
Leave now while you are young and have no ties.
You can have, and deserve, a much better life than this.

I leftvan arsehole with a rucksack and two dependants. I think what finally made me take the leap was that none of the "good," gave me any joy or security. It was all tarnished. I left knowing the next few years would be hard but i knew i had to face them now or later. The next few years were hard in some ways but i had the space to enjoy what was simple. Putting 50 euro in my savings. The crossword. Cups of tea and tv of my choice! I wish id left sooner.
But the brain plays a trick on you. It assumes mere survival is your goal. Your brain tells you "you are alive dont mess with this" but override that. The brain is out of date on this one.

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night, OP. Remember sleep is vital to recovery especially if you’ve just had surgery. Take care of yourself.

When you have a partner with an addiction (whether it be porn, gambling, drink, drugs. etc) there will always be 3 of you in the relationship.

The addiction will always take priority over you.

He doesn't seem to want to address his addiction so he's effectively 'cheating' on you.

Please leave when you have recovered from your surgery.
Raise the bar. You deserve better than this

Please please leave him - I unfortunately have experience of this. My ex husband was a porn addict for about 10 years and it led him down a very very dark path which ultimately destroyed our marriage. That happened to me at 40, after 15 years together. Don’t let that be you, you are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone who doesn’t have this problem. He will never change, please get our now, however hard going think it will be, you can do it xx

I didn’t really get any sleep last night.

He left for work this morning and he usually tells me he loves me before he leaves which he didn’t and he usually sends me a text when he gets to work telling me to have a nice day and he loves me which he also didn’t so I think he knows this is over.

I’m still struggling being mobile so I’m debating going staying with my Mum for a bit, but that’ll mean her asking questions and I’m not sure i’m ready for that yet. I wanna talk about it with him when he gets home but I don’t know what I want to hear from him, nothing he can say will make this better. All that will happen is he’ll promise not to do it again and in a few months time our sex life will be dead again and I’ll catch him yet again.

How long are you off work for? I know it’s easier said than done but I would spend a good proportion of this time trying not to dwell on this.

Go home if you need to. Move into a separate room. You are vulnerable right now and this would be the perfect time for him to convince you how much he loves you and it will never happen again.

When you are feeling better make a list of everything you need to do. Are you tied into a tenancy length or can you give notice? Look at your money situation. You say you live in the city, would it be possible to move out of it so you can keep living alone?

It is hard when you are planning the next steps of your life and you a blind sided. Allow yourself time to grieve for the relationship you were planning but remember it was all a lie. This man was lying to you when he said he was going to stop and was most likely planning the next time he could access porn all along. Some people will say they porn addiction isn’t real but I believe it is. It is just as real as any other addiction and the consequences it has on the partner in the relationship can be devastating. Do not let yourself be a victim of this.

This might set you back a few years in where you want to be in life, but it’s a hell of a lot easier than reaching your mid thirties with two kids and trying to start all over again then.

Luckily we don’t have too long left on our tenancy agreement so by the time I’m up to it and house hunting we wouldn’t be living together for much longer.

I’ve had a browse on Rightmove as I’d really like to avoid a house share if possible and there are some within my budget, not great, but okay. I think I’d feel safer living in a flat as I have never actually lived totally alone (went from uni house shares to living with DP), but they are all in the city and expensive.

I was actually talking to him the other day about the possibility of me retraining… now might actually be the best time for that if I’m giving my life a turn around. I really wish I had someone I could talk to about this but I’m in no state to be meeting friends for a coffee yet and I just don’t know how to form the words out of my mouth about what keeps happening because I know they’ll ask me WTF I’ve been doing.

That’s great! One step at a time. Have you made a plan of what you’re going to do when he gets home from work?

I have no idea. He’s due home at around 6ish and obviously I can’t go anywhere so will be here. I’ve had a bit of a cry and now I’m just angry.

I’ve also had a message from him saying “I know you don’t want to hear this from me but I hope you’re okay”. He’s right, I don’t want to hear that from him. I won’t be replying.

Can you say to your Mum that you really need to stay with her to get over your surgery and that you also need some time away from your relationship but could she very kindly not ask you about it until you’re feeling better physically?

@OneDrop

Can you say to your Mum that you really need to stay with her to get over your surgery and that you also need some time away from your relationship but could she very kindly not ask you about it until you’re feeling better physically?

I would do this if possible so then there is no temptation to forgive him

@OneDrop

Can you say to your Mum that you really need to stay with her to get over your surgery and that you also need some time away from your relationship but could she very kindly not ask you about it until you’re feeling better physically?

This.

You are so so lucky to have found out before you messed up your life with a child and house with him.

There will always be issues with him.

He is not who you think he is.

Get packing and get out.

Retrain, and move out by yourself.

You will be so glad in the near future for todays bravery.

Hi OP, well done for reaching out on here for advice.

Think of me as the future you you really don't want to be. I could have written the same post as you when I was 25 and now 20 years later I'm finally getting ready to leave but now with the complications of marriage, children and a shared mortgage.

This addiction won't stop. If it's anything like what's happened for me, it will also involve sexting other women too. You have such a bright future ahead of you without this man dragging you down. Please believe me that if I could go back in time I would run as far and as fast as possible.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's horrible and as other posters have said, it's not only the times when you find out that are horrible it's also that it tarnishes every other experience within the relationship.

Sending you strength x

25 and has willy problems due to his addiction. He's a failure of a person. You aren't there to fix him. Do what the two posters above me have said. Please end it.

What a pathetic excuse of a man. Is this really how 25 year olds are acting now a days? Run the fuck away from this one OP.

I’ve been where you are. I kept forgiving him until one day I just thought “this relationship is too much hard work” and I baled out.
My chap was looking at stuff within full view of the front window of his house where anyone approaching his house could see what his laptop screen was showing.
Porn modus operandi spilled over into the bedroom too before I became aware of his addiction. It was awful but I’m so glad I found the courage to kick him into touch. We had been together a long time but didn’t live together thank goodness. We are talking about a man in his very late sixties! He should have known better. Vile creature.

How much more of your life and youth are you willing to throw away on this man? Fucking hell, it's tragic. Get the fuck out of there. You will been consumed with regret if you don't.

I know you’re all right and what I need to do, it doesn’t make it any less hard though. It’s pathetic, he’s stolen the last two years of my life from me instead of admitting that this is something he’s never going to give up. Instead he promised me a life that we were planning in the very near future and that’s just been snatched away from me.

I think I forgave him the last time because they happened so close together so I hadn’t really gotten over the shock of it. It’s been almost a year now so I can’t really go back from this. He’s due home in half an hour or so and I feel sick thinking about it.