Help me find the courage to leave him

[OhShouldI]

I don’t know if anyone will be awake but I would like some help.

Summer 2020 not long after moving in with my DP I discovered he had a porn addiction. I’ve never had an issue with my partners watching porn but this was having a big impact on our sex life. He promised me he would stop but after a few months I caught him again and this time he developed ED because he was watching it so much. This time he got help and went to a doctor who referred him to counselling. The counsellor referred him to a specialist sex service to deal with these issues but due to COVID his name has still not come up on the list.

After this we sorted out a porn block on the wifi and his phone and I though everything was fine. I obviously didn’t like living like this but I accepted he had an issue and tried to trust him again and put it behind me. I have just found out he is accessing it again via Reddit and has been for the last few weeks.

We couldn’t block the app from his phone but he deleted it and said he wouldn’t reinstall it. A few weeks ago he caught covid and I couldn’t afford to catch it so we were isolating away from each other in our home and he started accessing it again. What’s more hurtful is I was in hospital last week having surgery and I had a bad time coming out of it and I discovered he was watching it that night too.

I told him last time if he does it again that enough will be enough. I know I have to follow through on it because I can’t keep making empty threats but I am so heart broken. I don’t know why he keeps doing this to me. I can’t believe I’m in this position, if any of my friends came to me I’d ask them WTF they were doing but why am I finding this so hard.

We’re 25, have no kids, not married so easy to leave. Together for three years, saving for a house deposit (luckily seperate ISAs!) and we were discussing the prospect of moving out of the city and having children within the next year. I might have to go into a house share if I leave as I cannot afford to rent a whole place in the city alone. Part of me is wondering if I’m over reacting to this but he has completely broke my trust and lied to me. I don’t think I’ll get over the fact he was doing that whilst I was in hospital and struggling. We have just had it out and he’s sleeping on the sofa. A hand hold, a kick up the arse or advice would be nice please.

End it tonight. Just do it.

Good luck OP. You will look back in a year's time and be so, so glad you left him.

It's hard but you can do this. I echo what bettydelrimple says above, you will be so glad you did this. Good luck

Be your own best friend and do this , the alternative is unthinkable.
What we'd all give to be 25 and have everything to look forward to,
Today will be the worst , next week will feel better and from that point on you'll be grateful every single day that you found the courage to leave this toxic man and change the course of your future .

You can talk to people about this, but you will find a lot of them refuse to understand the problem and can't see how devastating porn is to a relationship. They wouldn't have the same attitude if it was heroin he was addicted to, but addiction is addiction and that's the problem here.

You will find out who your true friends are when you mention his habit.

I ended things. He didn’t say much. Didn’t cry, beg or promise to get help. He just sat there in silence. He said he was going to get help but that’s about it. I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.

We still have to live together for a few weeks whilst one of us gets back on our feet so this will be the difficult part. Thank you for the messages of support.

Well done OP.

I remember being 25, more than 30 years ago.
You have so much living to do.
So many opposite and adventures.
You are sad now that he has taken 2 years?

Christ, but that is nothing to how women feel when they find out this after a decade with kids.
Not being able to look at them, but feeling so bloody stuck.
He's got an addiction that I wouldn't want to be around.
You deserve better than being around his mucky life.

Have your cry.
Tell those that love you.
Be delighted that you get to walk away and can still have a wonderful future unconnected to this loser.

Well done OP. It's a courageous thing to do. Now focus on recovering from your surgery and creating a new and exciting life without constant doubts.

He'll try to get you to stay and give him another chance.

Watch out for promises, declarations of undying love, sad faces, tears, and also threats of suicide.

If he threatens self harm or suicide call 999. Let the experts handle him.

Stay strong. You can do this, one day at a time.

You got this girl.
If it look like rat and smells like a rat it is a rat