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Relationships

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Original poster

Making excuses over wedding day

37 replies

Homealone34 · 04/04/2022 18:24

Hi,
I've been a mumsnet lurker for maany years...until now.
In a relationship with dp for the last 8 years, twice broke up, with approx one year for each breakup. Dp is 50, I'm 35. He is very hardworking, really hands on and 50 50 with chores. We have a good day to day relationship, although he is not someone good with words or remembering things about me (I.e. an important date or tell me how much he loves me or that he's proud to be with me, etc.) I console myself saying he's a 'man's man' and I have friends can meet those emotional needs.

Reason I'm here.

Marriage is important to me, even though I'm financially independent and we don't have DCs. Before buying a house I discussed this with DP and a few months later he proposed which was great.
Since then (two years ago) I've opened the conversation about setting a date on various occasions, always met with a reason to postpone the discussion (covid, as he decided he wanted a big wedding, whereas I have anxiety and would just love a small registry affair, then he wanted to do up the house first, then he decided he wants to wait for his best friend to get married before we discuss dates etc). Every time I said I'm hurt, and I feel he is making excuses...but we would argue, he would then not say anything nor try to offer a compromise, he would pretend we're OK, wait for me to 'get over it' and move on as nothing happened.

A month ago I opened the subject again, showed him some venues, and was met with defensiveness even though I agreed to all his prior requirements and offered to take a loan and pay for it myself. He then made excuses that the venue I proposed was too far away (one hour drive), that his friends and family wouldn't come with 3 months notice or on a sunday (I was trying to get end of May as a date) etc. Not once did he come back with some counter proposals or some excitement to get married, even though he keeps saying he wants to. I pointed out I'm embarrassed, I'm hurt, I cried, I said you're making excuses, just don't want to marry, we both yelled and argued then left it there. He has not once since opened the subject and I'm sure, once again, is waiting for me to "get over it" so life can resume as normal. We are not on speaking terms, yet he would stay like this for months, rather that try to help the situation, talk about it.

I'm here because I got DP to agree to buy a house after a big argument, but have promised myself I won't marry a man just because he is reacting to an argument or the risk of leaving- and that's my experience with him, my feelings, me being upset over a relationship issue don't mean much, he would rather burry his head in the sand and plod along and avoid any discussions about us as a couple. We have tried counselling, all that happened was that he would explain and explain why he did/didn't do something as opposed to try to listen to how it made me feel

I don't want to spend my life like this, and need some handholding as I am petrified to break up with him and be single, again, and petrified that all men are selfish and this might not be "as bad", and God forbid, think of getting back with him a year down the line because I haven't found anyone and I now only remember the 'good' things which is my experience so far...How do I end it 'for good' when I really love him?

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

OP posts:

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 04/04/2022 18:32

I walked away from a fiance after a 9 year relationship because it became increasingly clear he didn’t want to get married. For years I convinced myself I’d get him to commit and we’d have a family but I had to face it in the end. I was the same age you are now with all the same worries.
Best thing I ever did. Met someone who wanted the same things, fell in love, moved in, got married and had two kids before I was 40.
Don’t wait another day!

Maze76 · 04/04/2022 18:35

He’s stalling and that’s not a good sign. Cut your losses, free yourself to find someone who truly loves you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2022 18:42

Break up with him and this time make it permanent. Are you also confusing love with codependency here, why have his needs been more important than yours?. He’s 50, has he been married before?.

He does not want to marry you and is continuing to stall here. He is showing you all too clearly who he is and you need a partner, not a project. If you do want marriage you need to be with another man.

Rememberitwell · 04/04/2022 19:12

That is a very sad situation. You know he doesn’t want to get married. He couldn’t have made it plainer. I would cut my losses and call it a day.

Original poster

Homealone34 · 04/04/2022 20:04

Thank you, I know you're right, I know it's the advice I would give myself too...he's never been married before, was in an on off relationship for 12 years and has a dd.

His needs should not be more important than mine, I think I try too hard to be "easy going" and not cause drama and show I can compromise, while he doesn't do the work and meet me half way?

OP posts:

Cherry79 · 04/04/2022 20:27

Don’t think about it anymore, don’t waste precious time if you want a family. He’s a time thief. What are you going to do?

Margaretmatcher · 04/04/2022 20:35

I got dp to agree to buy a house
I won't marry a man just because he is responding to an argument. I picked up on these comments. He has made it clear he does not want to marry and as hard as it is too accept you have to accept it. If marriage is so important than this relationship is not for you. I hope you don't waste any .more time with him
You are still young op you can find happiness but not with this man.

BOOTS52 · 04/04/2022 21:45

He is not meeting your needs emotionally at all and is so stubborn and selfish and full of excuses. You do not need to put yourself through all of this and deserve better as you are still so young. Plenty of good advise here and I think in your gut you know what you should do. I would just go ahead and make plans for yourself re: house etc and just tell him when that is all sorted that you are leaving. Do not look back as he is set in his ways and really you are wasting time with him if marriage is important to you. But even without wanting to get married to him can you say for certain he is the man you want to grow old with, who will support you through the difficult times, if you have children, menopause etc Put yourself and your needs first as he is not and never will. Oh to be 35 again so young and all your life ahead of you so please do not waste it on this man as the years go so fast and you have lots of good times ahead but think you need to realize that he is not giving you what you want and no one should have to keep asking as it would just undermine your confidence.

theschitt · 04/04/2022 22:11

If you want someone who loves you, wants to move forward and commit to you, wants to create a loving family together - then you are barking up the wrong tree with this one.
He's told you repeatedly this.
What you do with that information is up to you.

sunlight81 · 04/04/2022 22:16

Ignore what he's saying and look at his actions - they say a million words.

35 is still young - you can meet, marry and have 2 kids by the time ur 40. Do what's right for u!!

Moonshine5 · 04/04/2022 22:21

OP you sound like a decent person. Your fiance sounds and acts like someone who is not. What do you need to hear. You know all you need to. It's having the courage to act on it. Good luck x

Jellybean23 · 04/04/2022 22:43

He was 42 when you met him - already set in his ways. He doesn't want to marry you so why flog a dead horse? Be brave and separate. It's only the fear of not finding someone else that's keeping you with him.

Cherrysoup · 05/04/2022 09:19

He has been stalling you for years and clearly has no desire to get married. Your two choices are carry on without being married or dump him. He won’t ever marry you by the sound of it.

Bananarama21 · 05/04/2022 09:22

Your wasting your time he clearly doesn't want to marry you get out and meet someone else before it's too late especially if you want kids.

HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 09:30

He's being crystal clear and you're not listening. This man is never going to marry you.

FlowerArranger · 05/04/2022 09:32

@sunlight81

Ignore what he's saying and look at his actions - they say a million words.

35 is still young - you can meet, marry and have 2 kids by the time ur 40. Do what's right for u!!

Totally agree, though I'd add that you should not see staying single as a fate worse than death. Only if you can be happy on your own will you be able to make relationship decisions on your own terms. Focus on yourself, your friends, your interests and passions - to the extent that a relationship becomes a bonus rather than the focus of all that drives a d defines you.

CharSiu · 05/04/2022 10:11

He doesn’t want to marry you, walk away plus if you have had two breakups that lasted for a year that’s just too much drama. He has now been in two on off relationships, he is a commitment phone.

If by walking away now he suddenly changes his mind to keep you don’t go back. He sounds like a dickhead especially all the man’s man stuff. I’m your boyfriends generation, I know exactly what you mean it’s why I despise many men of my generation. I’m not saying men in younger generations are all enlightened and delightful obviously.

Felicity42 · 05/04/2022 11:32

Have you talked about having kids?
Because if you are waiting to get married before doing that, then if he doesn't want kids, then not getting married is a good way to do prevent that happening.
He wants you around to look after him. But only on the terms that suit himself. When you push against those invisible rules he sets then you get the pushback.
His previous relationship was on/off his relationship with you is on/off. There's a pattern there.
Does the not speaking to each then become normalised after a while so that it doesn't actually mean anything.

trevthecat · 05/04/2022 11:39

@HellToTheNope

He's being crystal clear and you're not listening. This man is never going to marry you.

This, with bells on!

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 05/04/2022 11:55

He isn't the one. You both have different needs and wants, and whilst you are together you are being prevented from finding the right person for you.
You are in a good position for a fresh start. You are financially independent, you have equity in the shared property, you are young and have good friends. You don't have a divorce or children to sort out.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 05/04/2022 11:58

You deserve to be with someone who's excited to marry you.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/04/2022 12:06

It may be scary to leave this man but it’s your best chance to have a happy life. Right now you describe yourself as embarrassed, hurt and in a relationship with someone who is emotionally abusive and who doesn’t meet your needs.
You sound like a lovely person with good friends who will support you. Please take that step. End it and block him. No contact. It will help you move on.

You deserve to be happy. Do you really want another 45-50 years of hurt and embarrassment. Don’t focus so much on the next relationship. Being single would be better for you than what you have now and you have more chance of happiness if you look at your life as a whole not just whether or not you have a man.

ravenmum · 05/04/2022 12:12

I console myself saying he's a 'man's man' and I have friends can meet those emotional needs
If you chose not to console yourself, how would you judge his behaviour?
It's a lot nicer when you don't have to constantly ignore or find excuses for large chunks of a partner's behaviour. And it's great when your partner is actually keen to be with you, even if it's just a bit keen - rather than actively reluctant.

cupcakedestroyer · 05/04/2022 12:12

On one hand you're talking about marrying him on the other you're taking about breaking up with him. Maybe he isn't in the wrong?

candycane222 · 05/04/2022 12:43

He's shutting you down and training you not to talk - or even rhink? - about some topics. That's not nice.

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