Making excuses over wedding day

[Homealone34]

Hi,
I've been a mumsnet lurker for maany years...until now.
In a relationship with dp for the last 8 years, twice broke up, with approx one year for each breakup. Dp is 50, I'm 35. He is very hardworking, really hands on and 50 50 with chores. We have a good day to day relationship, although he is not someone good with words or remembering things about me (I.e. an important date or tell me how much he loves me or that he's proud to be with me, etc.) I console myself saying he's a 'man's man' and I have friends can meet those emotional needs.

Reason I'm here.

Marriage is important to me, even though I'm financially independent and we don't have DCs. Before buying a house I discussed this with DP and a few months later he proposed which was great.
Since then (two years ago) I've opened the conversation about setting a date on various occasions, always met with a reason to postpone the discussion (covid, as he decided he wanted a big wedding, whereas I have anxiety and would just love a small registry affair, then he wanted to do up the house first, then he decided he wants to wait for his best friend to get married before we discuss dates etc). Every time I said I'm hurt, and I feel he is making excuses...but we would argue, he would then not say anything nor try to offer a compromise, he would pretend we're OK, wait for me to 'get over it' and move on as nothing happened.

A month ago I opened the subject again, showed him some venues, and was met with defensiveness even though I agreed to all his prior requirements and offered to take a loan and pay for it myself. He then made excuses that the venue I proposed was too far away (one hour drive), that his friends and family wouldn't come with 3 months notice or on a sunday (I was trying to get end of May as a date) etc. Not once did he come back with some counter proposals or some excitement to get married, even though he keeps saying he wants to. I pointed out I'm embarrassed, I'm hurt, I cried, I said you're making excuses, just don't want to marry, we both yelled and argued then left it there. He has not once since opened the subject and I'm sure, once again, is waiting for me to "get over it" so life can resume as normal. We are not on speaking terms, yet he would stay like this for months, rather that try to help the situation, talk about it.

I'm here because I got DP to agree to buy a house after a big argument, but have promised myself I won't marry a man just because he is reacting to an argument or the risk of leaving- and that's my experience with him, my feelings, me being upset over a relationship issue don't mean much, he would rather burry his head in the sand and plod along and avoid any discussions about us as a couple. We have tried counselling, all that happened was that he would explain and explain why he did/didn't do something as opposed to try to listen to how it made me feel

I don't want to spend my life like this, and need some handholding as I am petrified to break up with him and be single, again, and petrified that all men are selfish and this might not be "as bad", and God forbid, think of getting back with him a year down the line because I haven't found anyone and I now only remember the 'good' things which is my experience so far...How do I end it 'for good' when I really love him?

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Your instincts are correct. The two of you want different things from this relationship. He is not willing to compromise and you will never be happy.

The not being good with words is irrelevant. My DH isn't too good with stuff like that but his actions show me that he loves me (e.g. last weekend going to a museum with me when he knew he'd be bored stiff, just because he knew I would enjoy it.) I'd far rather have someone who walks the walk than someone who talks the talk but their actions belie their words.

Also the fact that your DP's previous LTR was off and on suggests he has form for this and he won't change.

He is making it clear he doesn't want to get married. Unfortunately he isn't doing the adult way, by being honest, but his actions show it loud and clear.

He argues, ignores the subject and is doing his best to train you not to mention it again. So he can get on with living how he wants, and ignoring what you want.

Of course he has the right not to want to marry, but he should be honest about it, and should have been from the start. Instead he has led you on, strung you along, beaten about the bush and ignored the issue hoping it will go away. When you raise it, he makes up excuses and gets angry. And that is far from OK. He isn't treating you with respect, he doesn't care that this is upsetting you (or at least he doesn't care enough to be honest with you and try to resolve the issue).

Between times he doesn't make you feel valued particularly either.

He isn't going to change. I suggest leaving. I would rather be single than partnered with someone who treated me with such disrespect and lack of care, which will grind you down and make you feel less secure and less confident in time.

There is a risk that when you leave he'll suddenly realise he does want to get married. I'd take that with a pinch of salt, as he's had plenty of time to decide that. If he only decides it to keep you he's doing it for the wrong reasons, and probably will just revert to stringing you along again.

You deserve better.

Hi everyone,

thank you for all your comments and advice, I know you're right...as i was reading some posts, I could hear myself rationalising and making excuses for him... and how I give him too much power over this relationship. I want to be that woman that draws the line and as someone said, leave him, regardless of what the future holds. I've started looking at timeframes and after Easter will break off the engagement and speak to a solicitor.
I DREAD the upcoming arguments and I know he will then say let's marry, I'm sorry, etc then he will get angry and petty when I don't give in. it will get worse..for a bit...
this thread will help me remember I'm not 'crazy' or 'sensitive' and I deserve someone interested in my feelings and excited to get married...
thank you again

Tell him you want to be married by X date, if he isn't on board he can piss right off, and mean it.

That's quite an age gap.

You have the advantage of being considerably younger, yet you seem to be dragging and almost begging him to do tings like cobuy and get married.

He's had an on off relationship, never married, even with a child involved .... he sounds like he's not into commitment, not into being a family man etc etc.

But of course will take the company, sex, partnership quite happily to meet his needs.

He's probably going to be like this about kids too, if you want them.

I'd wonder if his ex got pregnant to try to solidify things - which failed.

You're 35 and you're trying to drag an man almost old enough to be your Dad down the aisle ..... know your worth. If your to meet someone else in comforttable time for marriage and a family you need to gtfo now.

He sounds like a professional bachelor/commitment dodger.

He'd be better suited to someone closer to his age who already have their kids and who doesn't want to get married again, just wants companionship etc.

I wonder did

If you're

Of course he has the right not to want to marry, but he should be honest about it, and should have been from the start. Instead he has led you on, strung you along, beaten about the bush and ignored the issue hoping it will go away. When you raise it, he makes up excuses and gets angry. And that is far from OK. He isn't treating you with respect, he doesn't care that this is upsetting you (or at least he doesn't care enough to be honest with you and try to resolve the issue).

This too,.

And he can't be arsed to try to find another 30 something he can have a relationship on his terms with.

He got v lucky.

Not so for you however.

I have previously been in your shoes. Was with a partner I adored for nearly 4 years whom clearly didn't want to get married (despite promises following arguments). In the end I moved out for my own sanity and he turned up with a really expensive engagement ring. I said no though - best decision I ever made

You've already wasted some of the best years of your life on him. Waste no more. Stay with him and become middle aged before your time.

You must get it into your head that you are better of without him and free yourself up so you can embark on other relationships. You'll find someone who really loves you.

He is stringing you along. Leave him. You are worth so much more than this.

He doesn't want to marry you Op. Cut your losses and move on before it's too late if you want children.