Posting because I don’t know what to do, feeling miserable and like I’ve had enough. I need to give background to get informed responses, so if this is long please forgive me.
Three years ago DH discussed us having an open marriage with a view to swinging together. We joined Fabswingers and after a month or so I met someone from there. DH wanted me to meet alone initially. That first meet went great and things were good. A month or so later I met someone else. Again a solo meet. The meet went well but when I got home DH made me feel like shit, kept me awake to the point of tears. I vowed I wouldn’t meet anyone again. The next day DH apologised, encouraged me to carry on talking to my last meet (I’ll call him S). In the end I did and with encouragement of DH I met S again. Over the next number of months I met S a couple more times, talking in between via text. DH was generally encouraging S and I meeting, occasionally he’d be bit funny with me but always kept talking about S in the bedroom etc. During this time S and I became really good friends and it wasn’t just about sex. About a year or so in we both ended up with feelings for each other and called time on meeting in a sexual sense any more, but we were still regularly in touch and went and did just normal friend stuff on occasion. Initially I didn’t discuss the feelings with DH, but then I had a discussion about it with him. DH persisted to talk about S in the bedroom, even when I’d asked him not to. If he got annoyed with me he’d sometimes throw in my face regarding S.
Fast forward two years. Through covid S and I have regularly kept in touch, we’ve done things as friends and I’ve gone round to his place for dinner on a number of occasions. At Christmas and birthdays we have bought each other gifts; DH is aware of this. S has bought me more than I’ve bought him and sometimes has asked me if I’d like to go to things. He still doesn’t have a partner, we’ve become best friends in a sense and he isn’t interested in me in that way any more - we’ve had that conversation. Due to covid things have been rearranged such as shows, so things are finally taking place and recently are bunching up. This has been annoying DH, to the point he has made comments about me seeing S or going anyway with him. He will make comments and be nasty about it, I get grief if I go to things and if I see him.
Recently there was a concert that was a rearranged date for tickets S had bought me for the Christmas before last. I hadn’t mentioned the artist to DH initially as he would have been cross due to it being someone we are both fans of. Due to the way DH has been recently about me going to things with S I didn’t tell DH about the rearranged concert, just that I was going out on that evening but I didn’t say I was going with S either. I know it was wrong, I should have just taken the backlash but I didn’t want to get told off for seeing S again. When DH asked me who I was going out with I said friends from work. Again I know I was unreasonable for this. At the end of the evening I got a call from DH, angry, asking me where I was so I told him (I was on my way home at this point). Someone from his work had seen me and took a picture of me, sending it to him. He told me he was going to kill himself (I was about 30 mins away from home at this point). I drove home in a blind panic and nearly crashed at one point. DH does have depression and has been off from work recently, but he has used the threat of killing himself before if he’s been unhappy/angry with me.
When I got home I was berated (my own fault for not telling him) and I tried to apologise. DH refused to accept this and continued to tell me off. He tried to get me to sleep on the couch which I didn’t go. Previously he has taken covers away from me and made me sleep on the couch or floor if he’s been cross with me; but he let me go to sleep and stay in bed. Since then he has spoken to me like shit, ignored me on occasions and refused any apology. I went out with S on Saturday, which was prearranged and DH knew about. On getting home DH laid into me verbally, basically telling me he’d had enough and blasted me for every little thing, from S to the house, to spending any money or using petrol to see S etc. He threatened to not go into work yesterday unless I took him, which I was doing anyway, and said I had to write down any things planned with S that were booked/rearranged. Apparently I am allowed to do these but anything else in future I’m not allowed to agree to unless I ask DH and DH says I can do it. This includes going to see S at his own place. He’s also said he wants the equivalent of money I’ve spent going out to places with S..example S and I went away for a few days, So DH wants to calculate that and any money I’ve spent going to meals or whatever, or petrol money I’ve spent, and he wants that in a lump sum to do with whatever he wants. Now I must point out I asked full permission to go away and DH agreed to this. I’ve never said DH can’t go out and do things, but he doesn’t do a lot. He doesn’t drive, he doesn’t really see his friends, he goes to work and is at home. He is allowed to go out and do things if he wants. He has previously gone away to stag dos, gone out on a weekly basis and gone on trips with a sports team he used to play with. Granted this was all some time ago but I never once had a go at him. In this time I didn’t go out and do things hardly at any point, didn’t spend money. On the very rare occasions I went out for a catch up meal with my cousin (once a year at most), I was told I shouldn’t be out too long and had to keep in touch with messages to DH. I’ve only really been going out more (not just with S but other friends too) recently. Even if I go out with people who aren’t S I used to have to respond to messages on where I was and when I’d be back etc. I’ve written a list of things I have booked in/planned, not just with S but there is something with another friend and then things planned with DH. DH is now saying I have to now highlight the things with S specifically, but if I want to go out at all I have to ask DH. I have been told we will do things as a family at least 2 days a month and have to have a money talk budgeted to the penny. If there’s money left over I can go and see S, this includes petrol money so only going to visit him at his place, but only if I'm ‘on top of my other shit’. For clarity I have been the one budgeting, I am putting money into savings and have been. We aren’t in debt..we were at one point when DH was off work for two years sick and I worked like crazy to clear that and get us on track. We currently live with DH family and can’t move due to the housing market. DH is expecting me to agree to all of what he wants as outlined above and is expecting me to agree to it. I know I fucked up because I lied about where I was going, and although I did it because I didn’t want to get told off I know I shouldn’t have, but I am utterly miserable. I feel like I’m trapped.