Miserable, been an idiot, had enough

[ToxicTraits]

Posting because I don’t know what to do, feeling miserable and like I’ve had enough. I need to give background to get informed responses, so if this is long please forgive me.

Three years ago DH discussed us having an open marriage with a view to swinging together. We joined Fabswingers and after a month or so I met someone from there. DH wanted me to meet alone initially. That first meet went great and things were good. A month or so later I met someone else. Again a solo meet. The meet went well but when I got home DH made me feel like shit, kept me awake to the point of tears. I vowed I wouldn’t meet anyone again. The next day DH apologised, encouraged me to carry on talking to my last meet (I’ll call him S). In the end I did and with encouragement of DH I met S again. Over the next number of months I met S a couple more times, talking in between via text. DH was generally encouraging S and I meeting, occasionally he’d be bit funny with me but always kept talking about S in the bedroom etc. During this time S and I became really good friends and it wasn’t just about sex. About a year or so in we both ended up with feelings for each other and called time on meeting in a sexual sense any more, but we were still regularly in touch and went and did just normal friend stuff on occasion. Initially I didn’t discuss the feelings with DH, but then I had a discussion about it with him. DH persisted to talk about S in the bedroom, even when I’d asked him not to. If he got annoyed with me he’d sometimes throw in my face regarding S.

Fast forward two years. Through covid S and I have regularly kept in touch, we’ve done things as friends and I’ve gone round to his place for dinner on a number of occasions. At Christmas and birthdays we have bought each other gifts; DH is aware of this. S has bought me more than I’ve bought him and sometimes has asked me if I’d like to go to things. He still doesn’t have a partner, we’ve become best friends in a sense and he isn’t interested in me in that way any more - we’ve had that conversation. Due to covid things have been rearranged such as shows, so things are finally taking place and recently are bunching up. This has been annoying DH, to the point he has made comments about me seeing S or going anyway with him. He will make comments and be nasty about it, I get grief if I go to things and if I see him.

Recently there was a concert that was a rearranged date for tickets S had bought me for the Christmas before last. I hadn’t mentioned the artist to DH initially as he would have been cross due to it being someone we are both fans of. Due to the way DH has been recently about me going to things with S I didn’t tell DH about the rearranged concert, just that I was going out on that evening but I didn’t say I was going with S either. I know it was wrong, I should have just taken the backlash but I didn’t want to get told off for seeing S again. When DH asked me who I was going out with I said friends from work. Again I know I was unreasonable for this. At the end of the evening I got a call from DH, angry, asking me where I was so I told him (I was on my way home at this point). Someone from his work had seen me and took a picture of me, sending it to him. He told me he was going to kill himself (I was about 30 mins away from home at this point). I drove home in a blind panic and nearly crashed at one point. DH does have depression and has been off from work recently, but he has used the threat of killing himself before if he’s been unhappy/angry with me.

When I got home I was berated (my own fault for not telling him) and I tried to apologise. DH refused to accept this and continued to tell me off. He tried to get me to sleep on the couch which I didn’t go. Previously he has taken covers away from me and made me sleep on the couch or floor if he’s been cross with me; but he let me go to sleep and stay in bed. Since then he has spoken to me like shit, ignored me on occasions and refused any apology. I went out with S on Saturday, which was prearranged and DH knew about. On getting home DH laid into me verbally, basically telling me he’d had enough and blasted me for every little thing, from S to the house, to spending any money or using petrol to see S etc. He threatened to not go into work yesterday unless I took him, which I was doing anyway, and said I had to write down any things planned with S that were booked/rearranged. Apparently I am allowed to do these but anything else in future I’m not allowed to agree to unless I ask DH and DH says I can do it. This includes going to see S at his own place. He’s also said he wants the equivalent of money I’ve spent going out to places with S..example S and I went away for a few days, So DH wants to calculate that and any money I’ve spent going to meals or whatever, or petrol money I’ve spent, and he wants that in a lump sum to do with whatever he wants. Now I must point out I asked full permission to go away and DH agreed to this. I’ve never said DH can’t go out and do things, but he doesn’t do a lot. He doesn’t drive, he doesn’t really see his friends, he goes to work and is at home. He is allowed to go out and do things if he wants. He has previously gone away to stag dos, gone out on a weekly basis and gone on trips with a sports team he used to play with. Granted this was all some time ago but I never once had a go at him. In this time I didn’t go out and do things hardly at any point, didn’t spend money. On the very rare occasions I went out for a catch up meal with my cousin (once a year at most), I was told I shouldn’t be out too long and had to keep in touch with messages to DH. I’ve only really been going out more (not just with S but other friends too) recently. Even if I go out with people who aren’t S I used to have to respond to messages on where I was and when I’d be back etc. I’ve written a list of things I have booked in/planned, not just with S but there is something with another friend and then things planned with DH. DH is now saying I have to now highlight the things with S specifically, but if I want to go out at all I have to ask DH. I have been told we will do things as a family at least 2 days a month and have to have a money talk budgeted to the penny. If there’s money left over I can go and see S, this includes petrol money so only going to visit him at his place, but only if I'm ‘on top of my other shit’. For clarity I have been the one budgeting, I am putting money into savings and have been. We aren’t in debt..we were at one point when DH was off work for two years sick and I worked like crazy to clear that and get us on track. We currently live with DH family and can’t move due to the housing market. DH is expecting me to agree to all of what he wants as outlined above and is expecting me to agree to it. I know I fucked up because I lied about where I was going, and although I did it because I didn’t want to get told off I know I shouldn’t have, but I am utterly miserable. I feel like I’m trapped.

You both sound toxic him for his behaviour you for carrying on seeing S when you knew your OH was getting upset /jealous . Your marriage is dead get a divorce.

You are regularly meeting a man you have had sex with while married to someone else. You have feelings for this man. Your husband is threatening to make you sleep on the floor. This is not a marriage!

You say you live with his parents and that you’ve had to sleep on the sofa before.

What do they say when you’re asleep on their sofa?

Do you and your husband sleep together?

It’s quite odd that he pushed the open relationship and swinging site, then only encouraged you to have sex and made no moves himself.

He’s controlling you through this ‘permissive’ relationship and you’re only just waking up to it.

@Gerwurtztraminer

So he initiated the 'open relationship' then used it to shame and belittle you. (You don''t say if he ever met someone or if the swinging ever eventuated). It's entirely possible he did this deliberately to get control over you sexually and emotionally, along with the threats of suicide, money issues and telling you off/what to do.

You are an autonomous adult Op and should not be treated this way & don't have to put up with this. You have nothing to be guilty about Please leave him. You live with his family and don't have property to split. You don't mention children. Get out now whilst you can - this will only get worse and could escalate quickly.

Please reread this one and see if it resonates… Your husband seems to have a deeply unhealthy and toxic fantasy sub thing going on here.

I'm in an open relationship. We are kind to each other and tell each other everything. That's the only way it could possibly ever work. You turned your sex buddy into a relationship which was not ok, but it's all irrelevant since your H is abusive. You need to end the relationship by any means.

@HellToTheNope

Your marriage is a sham, a toxic nightmare. Pack your things and walk out the door.

This second post just about summed it up. This isn’t a marriage and stopped being one the moment you agreed you’d go off and shag someone else. Hardly shocking that it hasn’t turned out well, is it? Your husband sounds abusive and you need some serious therapy.

There is not a cultural pressure to be married. We have been together for over 15 years. Yes we do have children, I’ve not mentioned them as they are largely unaware of the issues; they haven’t heard the comments or seen the sleeping on the floor/couch. So I guess I’m not just leaving because of them, because I am aware it’s shit, but I cannot afford to rent anywhere in this area and this is where they go to school, where all their friends are. I don’t want to leave without them. His family haven’t seen me sleeping on the couch because I’ve been up before them, or if it’s been the floor it’s been in our bedroom. It’s happened less than 10 times over the years. Everything deteriorated since we moved in here.

So he broached the subject of an open marriage. Actively encouraged you to have sex with other men. And then berates you for it. Used it as a stick to beat you. Uses it as the reason to chastise you. Make you sleep on the floor like a dog. He really has done a number on you @ToxicTraits.

You need to leave, for your own safety and well-being.

Have you run the numbers on a 2-bed flat, with any benefits you’d be entitled to? You work- any way of increasing your income? How old are the DC?

I can’t see any way in which you could make your relationship with your husband suddenly less dysfunctional.

Open marriage is no marriage at all. It's a sham.

It’s happened less than 10 times over the years

It’s happened zero times in my marriage of a similar length.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

You and your children are living at his parents house.
You’re sleeping on the floor or going around meeting other men.
He’s encouraging you to do things and then getting annoyed afterwards.

Can you name any good things?

I cannot comprehend this way of living and I am baffled that your kids are oblivious to this level of dysfunction.

You should leave.

I know it’s dysfunctional, it’s not a healthy environment and it is a shit show. I have looked at leaving before and the rents are crazy on properties where we are. Even a bit further out, it’s not great. I work full time, take overtime where I can but it’s not always possible. DC are older primary. I regret going down this road. I regret lying about the concert, that wasn’t right, if I could take it back I would but I can’t. I have had mixed messages over the friendship with S over the years. Up until relatively recently (earlier this year) DH was happy, so he said, for me to see S weekly. It’s more been since we’ve been actually going to things that he’s been less happy.

To address the whole DH not seeing anyone else, it started because the idea of me being with someone else turned him on. We got together relatively young, he was my first partner. He’d had other relationships. The initial thing was all based around the above and him telling me to explore myself more.

There’s no way your kids aren’t picking up on the dysfunction.

So he initiated the 'open relationship' then used it to shame and belittle you. (You don''t say if he ever met someone or if the swinging ever eventuated). It's entirely possible he did this deliberately to get control over you sexually and emotionally, along with the threats of suicide, money issues and telling you off/what to do.
I agree with this. It was a tool to control you.

We got together relatively young, he was my first partner.
This is an interesting point too. Abusers target the vulnerable / inexperienced.

OP gosh, you're in a bit of a pickle eh.

This jumped out at me:
About a year or so in we both ended up with feelings for each other and called time on meeting in a sexual sense any more

Is this because you were respecting the boundaries of your "real" relationship with your husband, and it all got a bit too close for comfort?

Sounds as though your DH's fantasy backfired on him, and he has had a lot less "success"/fun out of the whole arrangement, and can't quite cope with feeling second best. That's not your fault, and him punishing you for it is ridiculous.

Maybe you should just give up on the marriage (which sounds irretrievably damaged) and invest more into the relationship that unexpectedly grew wings. OR... just into being alone for a while, finding your own centre again instead of feeling played like a pawn in someone else's porn fantasy.

An open marriage?? There's your contradiction right there.

If your DC are upper primary then you’re coming to the of childcare years.

If you don’t earn enough working FT to rent suitable accommodation- even if it’s not the greatest - then you should be entitled to help via UC if you’re a single parent. Have you checked? You say you’re not in debt any more so where is the money going?

Do you love him? He really doesn't sound very nice and he treats you appallingly. He pushed you into another sexual relationship for HIS gratification and not yours. And now it's backfired and he's being petulant.

If you both really loved each other then I could perhaps imagine you working this out between you but I don't think anything of tour story says loving relationship. He's manipulative and abusive. In which case it's best to research all the benefits you'd be entitled to and find somewhere for you and the kids that you can make work.

OP in order to feel better in his life he has to be abusive to you. That is part of his mental health condition. He has set you up to fail so he can be abusive. Please see this for what it really is. A set up. A trap.

My sister was/is the same sort of person. She is only happy in her soul if she has a victim that she is currently bullying. I am no longer in touch with her as I was tired of being her supply. You are his supply and nothing more

I think the only way to save your marriage will be to stop seeing S completely. Even with nothing physical going on there does sound to be some kind of emotional affair on some level. And your husband clearly can't handle the two of you seeing each other regardless of what he says, he's clearly getting very jealous of your closeness and time with someone else. All this going out and doing stuff with S, you should be doing with your husband.

Your dh sounds like a manipulative, abusive pervert. You need to leave him now, take the kids with you, and apply for UC. Stop seeing S and start trying to get to know yourself. You’re in a poisonous relationship which can’t continue.