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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner’s deceased wife, feeling a bit confused

34 replies

FVFrog · 04/04/2022 15:30

I am in a fairly new relationship (6 months) with a lovely man, we are both mid/late fifties. We live a distance apart but used to live very close to each other which is how relationship started. We knew each other as friends for almost a year before we got together. The relationship is going really well. We have just spent the last five days together (we travel to spend time together as much as work/life allows) and today he has headed off on a job and on the way is visiting the memorial ground where his wife is buried and walking round where they used to live together and had their children. She died of breast cancer 9 years ago almost to the day (which is why he is visiting) and he describes her as his soul mate, they have two girls (now very young adults ) who he brought up on his own. I had expected him to not be in contact today and I said I would wait for him to contact me when he was ready to give him space. However, he is sending me photos of his old house and village and ‘sharing’ the experience with me. Not sure how I feel about this. Is this a good thing or not? I feel as if he would want some time to reflect and be in his ‘own’, but maybe it’s a good thing? Would appreciate thoughts.

OP posts:

TheVillageShop · 04/04/2022 15:38

I think this shows that he wants to include you in his wider life, and share his feelings with you.

I can see why it might feel a bit strange to you but on balance it seems a good sign to me - he trusts you, and by including you in his visit (in a wider sense) it is a way of weaving his history into his present life.

9 years ago is long enough for him to want to move on, but it is also important for him to find a way to integrate his loss into his future life - quite probably with you, by the sounds of things.

heldinadream · 04/04/2022 15:48

He's including you. And I think he must also feel respected by your willingness to give him space.
Sounds good to me OP.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 04/04/2022 15:55

Sounds good to me. He's being open and honest and sharing his previous life with you.

HellToTheNope · 04/04/2022 15:59

I don't understand why you'd think this is a bad thing. He's obviously at peace with his wife dying and wants to share that part of his life with you.

I really hope you're not one of those jealous women who want to pretend the late wife ever existed.

Marvellousmadness · 04/04/2022 16:01

No way.
Too much. Too intense

MissyB1 · 04/04/2022 16:03

That’s a positive thing. Just go with it.

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2022 16:03

Hmmm I don't think it's a bad sign but I would find it a bit uncomfortable and would have expected him to take my lead on that.

HollowTalk · 04/04/2022 16:05

He's the one who is bereaved - she should be taking the lead from him, not expecting him to take her lead, @aSofaNearYou.

Original poster

FVFrog · 04/04/2022 16:06

@HellToTheNope not at all. It’s all just very new to me and I wasn’t sure what to think. It’s good to get other perspectives from people not so ‘close’ to the situation. I feel a bit inexperienced tbh as was with my ex for nearly 30 years so this is pretty much only my second ‘adult’ relationship.

And I appreciate everyone’s comments.

OP posts:

BeyondMyWits · 04/04/2022 16:06

He's including you , laying his emotions and previous life and love on the line hoping that you care enough to respond lovingly, to take him on, baggage included. I think it is sweet.

lunar1 · 04/04/2022 16:06

He might be testing the water with you. I don't talk about my first husband much, but don't think I could be in a relationship with DH if it was a taboo subject and I couldn't share things with him.

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2022 16:08

@HollowTalk

He's the one who is bereaved - she should be taking the lead from him, not expecting him to take her lead, *@aSofaNearYou*.

I disagree. Both partner's should take heed of how much their partner's want to be involved in discussing former marriages.

In isolation this is fairly harmless but a lifetime of talking about her being his "soulmate" at length could be quite bleak.

Both parties need to be considerate, bereavement or not.

ikeepseeingit · 04/04/2022 16:32

It's up to you if it's too much. What I think he's trying to do is just communicate his life to you. He's showing you who he is. To me, this seems like a good thing, but you can have your own boundaries and if it's too much for you then that's okay too.

IsThePopeCatholic · 04/04/2022 16:37

I think it’s sweet.

StillWeRise · 04/04/2022 16:44

I think this sounds OK, his previous marriage, especially as she was the mother to his children is a big part of who he is.

For contrast, DP's mum married after being widowed for quite a few years, maybe 10, her 2nd husband was also widowed. Sadly DP's mum died a year ago and at her funeral her husband stated that they had 'both agreed' never to mention their former spouses, meaning that in their joint home there was only 1 photo of DP's father, hidden away in w work room. I thought that was quite horrible actually and upsetting for the children of both DP's mum and her 2nd husband.

KylieKoKo · 04/04/2022 16:50

@HollowTalk

He's the one who is bereaved - she should be taking the lead from him, not expecting him to take her lead, *@aSofaNearYou*.

Being bereaved isn't a free pass to not respect other people's boundaries @HollowTalk

In fact I'd go so far as say that any relationship where one partner sets the tone without considering the impact other is pretty toxic.

I think maybe you need to have a gentle chat with him about how you are feeling. His reaction to you setting a boundary will tell you how he will treat you in the future and how much he cares about how you feel.

KylieKoKo · 04/04/2022 16:53

@HellToTheNope

I don't understand why you'd think this is a bad thing. He's obviously at peace with his wife dying and wants to share that part of his life with you.

I really hope you're not one of those jealous women who want to pretend the late wife ever existed.

@HellToTheNope I think it's possible to have boundaries in place without wanting to pretend the past didn't happen.

canyoutoleratethis · 04/04/2022 19:02

@TheVillageShop

I think this shows that he wants to include you in his wider life, and share his feelings with you.

9 years ago is long enough for him to want to move on, but it is also important for him to find a way to integrate his loss into his future life - quite probably with you, by the sounds of things.

This. It's very well expressed and sounds most likely to me.

I think he's showing very clear signs of seeing you as a serious part of his future. But OP, it's also ok if it's too much for you. Either way, whether you see it as a positive, or are worried, you should talk to him about it and how him sharing in that way made you feel

Moonface123 · 04/04/2022 20:14

I am a widow of nine years and l think he feels safe to share these details with you, which is a good sign. The anniversary for me is a strange time as the rest of the year l just kind of get on with things but as the seasons change from winter to Spring it can bring about a period of unsettledness that l probably wouldnt dare to admit to anyone in real life as they have no experiance of losing a spouse, and they expected me to cross the finishing line with regards to my grief many moons ago.
l admire the way you are handling it because l have come across alot of insecurity and competition with relationships since and nothing is more off putting. l wasnt allowed to express any feelings about my late husband, it was deeply disapproved.
Your partner obviously loves you and has made you part of his world now, you are his future and l am sure his late wife would want for him to be happy and loved again, there is no competition, life goes on and thats how it should be.

seensome · 04/04/2022 20:27

Describing her as his soul mate though, sounds like you'd never match that.
It's not what you'd like to be told by someone you're dating.
Perhaps it is a bit all too much, he has a past and understand him sharing it as along as you don't just become the listener as that's all he wants to talk about.
Do you feel he's excited to be around you?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 04/04/2022 20:35

@seensome

Describing her as his soul mate though, sounds like you'd never match that. It's not what you'd like to be told by someone you're dating. Perhaps it is a bit all too much, he has a past and understand him sharing it as along as you don't just become the listener as that's all he wants to talk about. Do you feel he's excited to be around you?

I agree with this. I wouldn't like being told that the late wife was his 'soul mate'. What are you then, a placeholder? You'll do, but you aren't as good?

You're only six months in, it's probably easier to have a conversation with him about this (the soul mate thing) than after a few years. The other stuff, well, I don't think it would bother me either way.

Original poster

FVFrog · 04/04/2022 21:34

@Moonface123 thank you for your insight, I hope you too are moving forward happily.

@seensome yes I suppose that is at the back of my mind. I’m divorced (four years) so very different circumstances and obviously my ex and I were not soul mates.

OP posts:

PicaK · 04/04/2022 23:21

To me it reads like he's taking two parts of his life and joining them up. Showing you to her and her to you. I think it's lovely and a good sign.
She's not an ex partner in the way your ex is. I think it's a good sign. And it's fine for you to think about how you feel.

saraclara · 05/04/2022 00:40

I'm a widow of ten years. I loved my husband very much, as did my daughters. If I entered into another relationship, I would not behave as if he hadn't existed. And if the relationship was with a widower, I'd much prefer him to speak of his late wife with affection and happy memories, than as if the relationship with her hadn't mattered.

The ability to have had a warm and loving relationship bodes well for the next one, in my opinion. I'd far rather that in a new partner, than someone who spoke dispassionate or negatively about the late partner that they once loved.

Sharing ones past with a new partner is normal. I'd see what he's doing as extremely positive.

Original poster

FVFrog · 05/04/2022 07:53

Thank you for sharing your insight @saraclara, hope you’re in a good place with your life.

OP posts:

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