Partner’s deceased wife, feeling a bit confused

[FVFrog]

I am in a fairly new relationship (6 months) with a lovely man, we are both mid/late fifties. We live a distance apart but used to live very close to each other which is how relationship started. We knew each other as friends for almost a year before we got together. The relationship is going really well. We have just spent the last five days together (we travel to spend time together as much as work/life allows) and today he has headed off on a job and on the way is visiting the memorial ground where his wife is buried and walking round where they used to live together and had their children. She died of breast cancer 9 years ago almost to the day (which is why he is visiting) and he describes her as his soul mate, they have two girls (now very young adults ) who he brought up on his own. I had expected him to not be in contact today and I said I would wait for him to contact me when he was ready to give him space. However, he is sending me photos of his old house and village and ‘sharing’ the experience with me. Not sure how I feel about this. Is this a good thing or not? I feel as if he would want some time to reflect and be in his ‘own’, but maybe it’s a good thing? Would appreciate thoughts.

I’m married to a widower and was hard at first. I felt like his late wife was on a pedestal and I’d never measure up! I’ve now realized that we are making our own memories and I’ve always made him feel that he can talk about her and his past. By being supportive, open and honest you can both build your own relationship. I always think a widower has a lot to offer. If they have the capacity to have a great love in their past they will make great partner to you!

@HellToTheNope

I don't understand why you'd think this is a bad thing. He's obviously at peace with his wife dying and wants to share that part of his life with you.

I really hope you're not one of those jealous women who want to pretend the late wife ever existed.

Frog didn't say it was a bad thing or imply jealousy. She was asking for thoughts.

If you feel uncomfortable, even if you can't pin point why at the moment, tell him.

For anyone to reminisce about a partner from the past can be uncomfortable to new partners to listen to. Please don't invalidate your feelings just because he is widowed. You both lost a future you thought you had. You must have loved your ex at one point and will have some positive memories however tainted they may be by what was to come and I'm sure he would feel the same if you took a trip like his and shared the details with him.

His reaction will tell you whether or not he is truly ready to be in a new relationship and focus on what he has now.

I wouldn't like this at all but I think it's coming from the right place where he is concerned. I think just go along with it.

Remember his young daughters and that they have had their father for nine years as their sole parent. It will be very hard for them to see their father in a new relationship. Be understanding and loving.
Think about Fleabag and her feelings when her widowed father remarried.
I think being patient, loving and understanding is the way forward. Recognise your partner lost his wife but the family lost their mother and recognise their continuing sadness as they make a place for you in the family.

I would see this as a good thing. He's being open with you.

I'd only worry if it became obsessive and you were expected to be a vessel for his idealisation of a dead wife.

We lost Mum 6 years ago. Dad was devastated. They had been together 50 years.
He met a widow a few years, ago and they live together now. Her husband died not long before Mum. They both felt as though they were cheating by being together but they were good friends first and both speak freely of their spouses. They are both fully aware that if they had not been widowed then neither of them would have been looking for another relationship.

I think it sounds like a positive thing. He lost his wife, they didn't just seperate, it was no ones choice. So I'd have no problems with the soul mate comment. The fact he loved his wife so much would be a good thing to me. It does not mean that he doesn't or can't ever love you.

Also take on the fact he may be feeling all sorts of emotions going into a new relationship, not least like he may feel he is being disloyal to his wife, so perhaps stating they were soul mates is him being true to his wifes memory and not wanting to disrespect that.

He is sharing his day with you now, and that to me means he really wants you to feel included in his life, and this is part of it. I don't think he is doing it to make you uncomfortable, its likely the exact opposite. He wants you to know that although he loved his wife, you are now a big part of his life and he doesn't want you to feel like he is separating the two of you. Hes sharing this with you. You must be very special to him I reckon OP.

Hard to put into words, but I think its actually very sweet that he is thinking of you during what must be an emotional time for him.

He has moved on, with you.

It's uo to you to decide how much you want to know about his past life and then to actually tell him. He can't guess whether you want to know this stuff or not.

But. He does have a previous life and that is part of what makes him who he is; hppefully theres a compromise between what he wants to share and what you want to know, because if not then I doubt you have a future.