Should I stop studying - family falling apart.

[Sunshineamong]

Need advice - don’t know what to do.

I decided to make a career change from a job I absolutely hated. However, in order to retrain and I’m currently doing a full-time Masters. My husband has been my biggest cheerleader and has more faith in me than I do myself. The course hasn’t been easy and it’s been hard getting back into academic writing after 20 years. The thing is, we have two children (10 and 3) and my husband works about five jobs to keep us all afloat and pay childcare etc. Over the past month, my deadlines have been one after the other and it’s been relentless. I missed Mother’s Day, birthdays, cancelled Easter trips due to more assignment deadlines and as a result, DH has had kiddies every weekend and I can see his mental health suffering and our family unit just starting to unravel. I’ve come to a juncture where I feel I should halt my studies for a bit and get a job to help with the financial burden and least gave some quality time together. Husband on other hand recons I’m letting the side down and thinks if I stop I won’t pick it back up again. He reckons we won’t be any happier if I stop for a while. He’s always been work driven, so his perspective seems very different to mine. But he’s been so unhappy and miserable, and so am I - I get it, I completely understand that at the moment he probably feels like a single parent and I am guilt ridden for thinking I’m the cause of it all. I’ve been there myself and it nearly let to me taking my own life… so I’m worried for him and our family. I think our marriage and family is worth more than education at the moment… my masters finishes in sept, which means I’ll be writing dissertation over the summer holidays and I think that our marriage won’t be able to survive this if I continue.
What are your thoughts? Thank you x

Do you have any local sensible teenagers that you can ask to help out? Or better yet, a few so you are not relying on the same one.
Half a day each weekend might help and the odd evening too.
Not ideal but just a suggestion.

Could you do it part time instead of full time?

That said, you are so close to finishing it would be foolish to give up completely. Missing on years worth of ‘things’ (Mother’s Day, holidays, etc) really doesn’t matter in the the long run.

If DH is happy to continue for another 6 months then you should keep on going.

You are halfway there so it would be a shame to stop now, especially as your DH is supportive. It's only 6 more months which isn't long in the greater scheme.
Agree about trying to get some help at home if you can afford it.
How are you doing on the course? Could you plan your study time more efficiently?
Good luck

Sounds like you’ve got a good one there. I’d look at managing the situation in a different way rather than just stopping, I think your DH has a point and the risk is fairly high that you’ll not pick this back up and after all the work you’ve already done together, that’s such a shame and could affect your relationship more in the longer term. It’s only 5 more months.
As you’re on a full time course and don’t have a part time job, do you really need to be working every weekend all weekend? Sit down, look at your calendar and organise the next few months with the blocks of time you need alongside time allocated to the family.

How many hours a week is your course taking up?

The answer is not to quit your course but to manage your time more effectively- why does your dp have to have the kids all weekend? You need to give him a break

No way does a masters take up your whole weekend and whole weekday/evenings

You don’t even have a year left. Just finish your masters and use the university careers service to get a well paying job in your new field.

I would finish it OP. Six months isn't long to go and I very much doubt it will end your marriage, given that your DH is supportive. Sit down with DH and talk about what would make it easier for him. Some paid childcare or extra help around the house is a good suggestion.

I would realistically look at how likely the study is to lead to a well paid job before you decide either way

'No way does a masters take up your whole weekend and whole weekday/evenings.'

This. I think you should finish but he's owed a massive break once you are. My own was p/t, and I was mostly waitressing at the time, but there were doctors, lawyers, policemen and coroners all managing to work f/t at the same time as pursuing it, and I'm pretty sure they didn't cede all childcare responsibilities to their spouses, or miss every single weekend celebration.

Absolutely not! This is one year of your life, you can do it! Yes, it's hard but you're part way through the course now. You just need to get through this year and then things will get back to normal. You can treat your husband and children to something nice once you've finished, maybe a nice day out or weekend away?

How many hours a day/week are you actually studying?

Perhaps you could ask your tutor for some tips on managing your time better? You shouldn't have to study all day 7 days a week.

Or could you switch to part time? How long do you have left on your course?

Your DH sounds very supportive.

You are so close to finishing op. You shouldn't second guess your DH either when he has been so supportive. Won't he be upset if you don't finish in Sept after all of your sacrifices? I think you know that you are projecting your past experiences as a single parent on to him. Remember, hard though this is, you are ultimately doing it for your family too as well as yourself.

What you need is outside help for the holidays. I am sure a local group of Mumsnetters would help you if you have no family or friends you can rely on. Any church groups or play groups or summer schemes nearby for the three year old? You need help op, don't be too proud to ask. If I lived near you in the UK, I would be willing to help out and I know a lot of other women would too.

I'm studying at the minute on top of a job, gym and childcare as well as family time. How does your study take up so much time?

I'd stick with it, but talk to your supervisors about stress and workload. You really should be able to manage a day off on Mother's day and over easter.

Structure your time. And when you;ve blocked out family time, take it, and try to compartmentalise the work so it doesn't creep in. If I were you I'd organise a family breakfast on Easter Day then take the DC out to a local easter egg hunt while your husband has a break. Come home and cook a simple family dinner, giving him a further break, then settle DC in front of a family friendly film (Studio Ghibli or Pixar usually work for 3 and 10 year olds simultaneously) and sit beside them with your laptop doing some very boring basic but essential MA work, like tracing sources or putting citations into the right format.

Do that at least once a fortnight. A whole day off for your DH and a whole day with DC for you. Make a thing of it. And make it easy for yourself. Stay outside the house to avoid making mess. End with a very simple dinner - pasta with ready made sauce or oven baked fish and chips.

Day to day - just ensure your DC get 15 mins of your undivided attention each - a story or chat.

Use TV wisely. No harm in sticking them in front of the TV for a good hour or two a day if what they are watching is worth seeing. Classic kids movies, nature programmes etc.

It's only for a few more months.

And over summer, just make sure you block out your time properly: 6-8 hours sleeping, 6-8 studying max and spend four hours a day with them - giving DHG a break and them your attention, even if you are doing routine stuff together like a supermarket shop or cleaning - just make it fun; let them weigh veg, choose pasta shapes etc, put on music they love while you sort laundry with them etc.

It's an MA not a PHD. You really can do this without ruining your health, your DH's health and your chances of completing it on time.

@LetHimHaveIt

'No way does a masters take up your whole weekend and whole weekday/evenings.'

This. I think you should finish but he's owed a massive break once you are. My own was p/t, and I was mostly waitressing at the time, but there were doctors, lawyers, policemen and coroners all managing to work f/t at the same time as pursuing it, and I'm pretty sure they didn't cede all childcare responsibilities to their spouses, or miss every single weekend celebration.

She’s doing f/t masters and at some universities, particularly the better ones, the workload is higher (and you study more modules) than the p/t (or online) presentations of the same course.

You should not need to study 7 days a week. At weekends give your DH a break and take kids out for a morning then cook a family on dinner. You do one or two evenings with kids. A Master's does not take up every day and all weekend too. Do you know you will be able to get a job with the Masters you are doing?

Thank you for your replies, it’s really helping me to get things into perspective.

Yes, my husband has been great and I am so grateful for his support. I just feel so guilty I can’t support him as much. Fingers crossed we can get through this and I’ll be in a job i want to be in contribute fanacially too. (Trying to keep eye on ball here).

A few have asked how much I’m studying - in uni two days a week. Study Wednesday and Thursday whilst kids at school/childcare. Friday I have my little one all day. Plus all the things that go into running if a house. These two days for studying aren’t great for a full time course…hence why I’ve had to use time over the weekend. I’ve also had to do a placement that I do remotely that has taken huge chunks of time. I also get distracted with chores too otherwise we all run out of clean clothes etc. As mentioned, I think time management is probably the key here.

I would stick with it. However, I would speak to university staff about the workload and to see what support is on offer.
I run a masters course that sounds very similar to the one you are doing and would be more than willing to work with a student who was struggling to see what support mechanisms we could put in place to ensure they complete the course.

Thank you for this. I’ll do this. I think my pride gets in the way sometimes - it’s hard to admit when things are difficult.

'She’s doing f/t masters and at some universities, particularly the better ones, the workload is higher (and you study more modules) than the p/t (or online) presentations of the same course.'

I'm aware of that, which is why I wrote 'my own was p/t . . . but, etc etc' 🙄

If she's doing a f/t masters and not working at all, then I confess I'm even more confused: I've encountered p/t masters students also working f/t or p/t (and managing) or (very occasionally) f/t masters students lucky enough not to have to work alongside it. The latter certainly weren't missing every single celebration day/weekend/holiday. Nor did they have spouses with five jobs doing all the childcare.

But well done for implying that my p/t Masters was less onerous or somehow 'second class': I did exactly the same number of modules as the f/t students, thanks. And it was one of the 'better universities'. Imagine!

@Sunshineamong

Thank you for this. I’ll do this. I think my pride gets in the way sometimes - it’s hard to admit when things are difficult.

Your tutors will be used to it and won't judge- i promise!

She’s doing f/t masters and at some universities, particularly the better ones, the workload is higher (and you study more modules) than the p/t (or online) presentations of the same course.'

F/T and P/T students students student the same modules - it's just P/T students will study them over a longer period of time. Any online version of the course will also have the same number of modules/assessments etc

Yes your time management sucks. Most deadlines you should be well aware of at the start of each class. Dont leave this to the last minute and then have to spend every waking moment on it.
For instance I have two reports 3 presentations and an academic poster due by the end of the month so I have created a study timetable which allows me time for everything. This is key to my success, good luck.

Hi OP, I agree with others that you absolute should try everything you can to finish. It’s the final push. Agree with others also that perhaps you need to look at planning family life a little bit more. It’s really difficult when you’re spreading yourself thinly but allocating time for everything, including your marriage might help. You can do it, and kill all be worth it. Sit down with your husband and a timetable of the week and see how you can both compromise and meet each other’s needs as best as you can

Ok, I like a plan of action… :) I’ll get on to the time management issue.

I will add that I do all the cooking and cleaning and put one of the two to bed when husbsnd not working away (although cleaning gone out the window at the moment). But I’ve found assignments take me longer than most. I’ve really struggled and it seems to take me much longer to complete tasks, which makes time management hard to judge…maybe I’ve a low processing speed, who knows, but I wish my brain worked quicker!!