Should I stop studying - family falling apart.

[Sunshineamong]

Need advice - don’t know what to do.

I decided to make a career change from a job I absolutely hated. However, in order to retrain and I’m currently doing a full-time Masters. My husband has been my biggest cheerleader and has more faith in me than I do myself. The course hasn’t been easy and it’s been hard getting back into academic writing after 20 years. The thing is, we have two children (10 and 3) and my husband works about five jobs to keep us all afloat and pay childcare etc. Over the past month, my deadlines have been one after the other and it’s been relentless. I missed Mother’s Day, birthdays, cancelled Easter trips due to more assignment deadlines and as a result, DH has had kiddies every weekend and I can see his mental health suffering and our family unit just starting to unravel. I’ve come to a juncture where I feel I should halt my studies for a bit and get a job to help with the financial burden and least gave some quality time together. Husband on other hand recons I’m letting the side down and thinks if I stop I won’t pick it back up again. He reckons we won’t be any happier if I stop for a while. He’s always been work driven, so his perspective seems very different to mine. But he’s been so unhappy and miserable, and so am I - I get it, I completely understand that at the moment he probably feels like a single parent and I am guilt ridden for thinking I’m the cause of it all. I’ve been there myself and it nearly let to me taking my own life… so I’m worried for him and our family. I think our marriage and family is worth more than education at the moment… my masters finishes in sept, which means I’ll be writing dissertation over the summer holidays and I think that our marriage won’t be able to survive this if I continue.
What are your thoughts? Thank you x

Are you at the start of your course @Sunshineamong or almost at the end? If you are almost finished I would stick at it. If you are in the first year, then that's a bit trickier to decide. If you know your dh absolutely has your back and bears no resentment about you doing this and he's working several jobs, then I would also keep doing it. In the scheme of things it's only a small part of your life. I take it this is a step up your career ladder, so potentially more money coming in?
If you can sort out your time management, you mentioned that might be an issue, then you might find you have a bit more time to spend as a family.

Is it one year or two?
Tbh I would grin and bear it. I did MBA part time over 4 years. The only saving grace was that it started in October each year and finished in June. I had 2 kids and worked full time any it nearly finished me off.
However, I knew that If I stopped I would literally never start again.

If your Masters is a long term investment in your career and family finances then above course fees and your time I would add money to pay for extra cleaner, childcare, easy foods etc for this period to free you up and take the stress off the family. See those £££s as part of a return on investment in your family finances which will come through down the line.

I suspect the additional £££ for extra help is a tiny % of the course fees you have invested to date and the uplift in salary when your career takes off. Will also save both of your MH and your DCs emotional development. Take the sting out.

A full time taught Masters should average about 50 hours a week including placements. Unless you can do 12.5 hours on the four days a week that you have currently available then This commitment is clearly going to eat in to family and house time.
Do not give up the course.
You say that you are taking longer than expected to complete the work. Is this because you struggle to process the tasks or because your time is divided ( crying dc /worrying about dinner etc) so you aren't able to concentrate as much as you'd like?
1)If you are not able to concentrate in the house go to a library. If your uni isn't the closest they will be able to arrange library permissions for your closest one.
2) make your study time sacrosanct. If you are at home and 'I'll just put a load of washing on' pops into your head, write it in a notepad for later but do not action it until you have completed your hours. Train yourself to comply and you will find that the intrusive thoughts will lessen.
3) set timers. Work in blocks of 1.5 hours with a 15 minute break for coffee/snack and a jog on the spot or a brief walk. Do not stop for less or more than 15 mins and make sure you leave your work area.
4) timetable meal prep, fun time with your children(not just bedtime) and laundry.
5) put laundry on as you go to bed and hang it out in the morning.
6) make sandwich lunches at the same time as breakfast every day and put food in the slow cooker in the morning to switch on at lunchtime (or put it on a timer) at least 3 times a week.
7) Important: one night a week you must stop working by 9pm and cuddle up to your husband. Watch tv or chat or play a game. You will miss the intimacy of non-rushed time together if you don't make a little time to do nothing in each other's company.

If being really regimented with your studying and housework doesn't help after 2 weeks consider going to the university and asking to slow down the course to over 2 years instead of 1, but do not completely stop.

Good luck

Try batch cooking (and get your DH doing it too) then you can just defrost stuff of an evening. Also why are you doing all the cleaning?

Forget cleaning, so long as bathroom and kitchen hygienic. I did NHS course with three kids and full time placements in my 40s (with a useless husband who is now an ex!) as well as worked a few hours at weekend, so long as essentials done and everybody fed is all that matters. I did most of my assignments between 10.00pm and 2.00am or when they were at school if not in uni or placement which wasn't often, but I'm a night owl and managed to get by on 4-5 hours sleep most nights. Don't ask me how, I couldn't do it now! Short term pain for long term gain...... So long as the course you are on is going to lead to better paid employment of course which was the main purpose of mine.

MA dissertation supervisor here. It will be tough trying to get this done to a decent standard over the summer with children at home.
I would finish the taught modules and then ask to go part-time to complete the dissertation. We allow this. Our students would then have until January to submit and would graduate next summer.

I did a part time masters over three years working full time and on top of doing work based modules and coursework etc, I had one study day per week and condensed all my work into that so still had my weekends and most evenings free, so the amount of time it’s taking you to do your work does seem a bit excessive.

I understand that not everyone can blitz through work, my fiancée tried doing a masters part time on top of full time work and she was working all weekend and every single evening because a piece of work I could have done in a day or two was taking her weeks. She gave up quite early into her course as the rewards weren’t worth it, but it would be an awful shame to give up this close to the end. I would just stick it out because I think in a few years you will be kicking yourself if you let all your hard work go to waste. If you really can’t cope then maybe speak to your course leader about going part time for the last few modules.

OP is there a supportive family member your DH could visit with the DC for a few days so you get the house to yourself to work and he gets a change of scene and help with the kids?

I agree with others - grit your teeth and stick it out.

I’m presuming it’s a one year course? If so, stick it out, you’re so nearly there.

Will you be able to get a job after September?

I did a masters a couple of years ago, studying F/T after a 26 year break from the academic world. The only time I was working weekends was when I had end of module assignments or was revising, you seem to be spending excessive time on it, which seems to me like poor time management or that maybe you are struggling with the content or just not enjoying it even?

It does seem like a waste to give it up half way through, but I do wonder if it really will help job prospects that much anyway and that is something to think about.

As an aside, I always thought it would be far harder to do P/T alongside full time employment to be honest.

Is it a masters that will facilitate immediate entry into a different career-what is it you’re doing?

Hmm I get the chores etc. I'm doing a f/t degree, have 2 dcs, a business that needs a few hours each week, 2 horses that take 4 hours a day and manage my studies, including assessments with a 1.5 days in uni/studying plus the odd weekend afternoon. I suspect it's your time management. Your weds and thurs I would spend in uni studying then you won't get distracted by household stuff. Fri potter around and get cleaning/washing etc done, weekend with the family.

Thank you. You’ve all been brilliant with advice.

The course is one year and it’s an MSc, a completely different discipline to my first degree which was in the Arts so I feel like I’m playing catch up. So yes, it’s not that long, but it’s been such a gear change for us all and I can almost see the end, but every day seems really tough when a spouse isn’t happy and I fear resentment is building up.

I love studying away from home and I get so much more done, but lately it’s been hard if I have to be back early in time to pick kids up because DH not back or has to work away sometimes. I do dinner etc etc, bath bed etc etc…then I’m done in and nothing left of me to start studying again at 9pm. We used to have my in laws to help out, but father in law had a stroke last Oct (just as my course started) and they aren’t in a fit state to help now. This has also impacted my DH because I think, in a way he feels he’s lost his support network. We don’t have a huge network of friends and family close by to help. We both miss our time together. We don’t laugh anymore.

Batch cooking sounds like a great idea. I always have meals planned, but I’m always cooking from scratch, so I can always make bigger portions to freeze - that’s no prob. No idea why I haven’t been doing this already!
Friday is very hard to get much done with my three year old - he is full on and he’s so energetic so we usually go out for nature walks, bug hunts etc. Maybe I should treat doing laundry as an adventure!

Thanks @ODFOx for breaking it down - you’ve made it look manageable.

DH is probably thinking he would far rather you finished so as to make all of his efforts worth something. You would both feel shit if you stopped. You would resent it all a little bit.

You can do this @Sunshineamong

Keep checking in if you need some encouragement. We're all behind you.

Your DH sounds like a good man. I think you both need lots of small treats and rewards along the way and a lot of appreciation and reminders this isn't forever.

DH and I had a very draining few years when DS2 was born with SEN and was in and out of hospital, no sleep. We watched comedies, listened to radio comedy - anything to get laughing again. It did help. Now that life is easy we watch Scandi noir grim stuff quite happily, but in those days, we needed the light relief.You said you don't laugh together much - try to find the dark humour in how tough life is and fantasise about what you'll do together when life gets easier.

Another one to say (nicely ) manage your time better
You are too close and you have all sacrificed too much
I also don’t understand why it’s taking this much time

Hang in there and think hard about better time efficiencies in the meantime

I agree with your dh. Do not stop as it makes all the sacrifices so far pointless. While your time management is an issue youve picked up on, I also think changing your attitude towards your dh’s role might help too. You said he must feel like a single parent and he is doing five different roles looking after everything. If that was true you wouldnt be doing all the cooking and the cleaning, would you? It seems like you are wasting time on tasks he really should be doing if he was actually doing all he could to support you. It might be also worth looking at what exactly your dh is doing with regards to childcare and housework.

Does your 3year old get free hours ? Could you put him in nursery on a Friday?

@TracyMosby yes, I see your point. I still do a fair amount of household stuff, so I suppose we need to sit down and work out who can be responsible for what… cooking dinners on which nights etc. I just tend to step in weekdays because it’s easier and DH is working. It’s only during weekends that my DH has children most of the time. I think he’s realised how hard kids can be when you’ve got them all day.

@newbiename we do get 15 free hours and that has helped a bit but the rest is still crippling. We don’t have any money left over for nice things or days out. We live in London so costs are so high, even free stuff requires tube fare etc. So I think another reason why DH is struggling might not be directly aimed at me, but perhaps he’s working so hard, with nothing to spend at the end of the month. It really is hand to mouth.

@Mychitchatdays

Yes your time management sucks. Most deadlines you should be well aware of at the start of each class. Dont leave this to the last minute and then have to spend every waking moment on it. For instance I have two reports 3 presentations and an academic poster due by the end of the month so I have created a study timetable which allows me time for everything. This is key to my success, good luck.

Harshly put but I take your point!!!!!!!!!!!!!