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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Know I should leave, scared to do it

29 replies

teapoems · 04/04/2022 10:30

I'll say upfront that I know I'm in the wrong here.

Married to DH 11 years, two kids, 10 and 5. I'm late forties. DH is a great person. I've had periods of depression since my teens and he's been supportive of me when I've been down. Lots of self-loathing, history of self-harm, all that stuff. I was a SAHM for about 6 years. He's a great dad, and definitely does an equal share of the housework and childcare, and he's affectionate and open. He encourages me to do my own things when I want to. I've got nothing to complain about.

Our sex life started to take a dive not long after DC1 was born, but obviously was enough for us to have DC2. All my fault, really - I gradually lost attraction to him, and probably didn't do enough to try and revive it. We remained affectionate but by the time lockdown started it was down to once a fortnight, if that. We haven't had sex for over 6 months now. I can't even bring myself to kiss him. It would be like kissing a sibling. He was away on a trip for a couple of weeks last year and I didn't miss him at all.

At the start of lockdown in 2020 I started chatting by text with a male colleague who was also furloughed (he's single). It was never flirty, never any suggestion that it was more than just friendly, but we texted lots every day and did start sharing more personal stuff. The usual cliched bollocks, really. My feelings developed; we became close friends, hung out together (as friends), but we cut contact a couple of months ago because I had fallen for him. I'm not a total idiot - I've got over feeling like this about men in the past, I know it'll pass. But I'm grieving the loss of the friendship and finding it hard to get him as quickly as I should.

DH knows about this; I mean, he knew we were texting, but not how often, or what my feelings were. He knows now, and he's willing to wait for me to get over it, but he quite rightly says he can't live without love, and I don't know if I can recover how I once felt about him. We've tried couples counselling but I didn't click with the therapist. We're both doing individual counselling for now.

I should leave, shouldn't I? I know this isn't fair on DH. I find myself avoiding being in the same room as him because I feel swamped by his wanting hugs or affection. But I earn far less than him, and especially at the moment given rocketing bills, I'm terrified of trying to live on my own tiny salary (not much scope for increase) and what it might mean for the kids. I have no doubt that DH would ensure that they're well looked after, and his family are well-off and would support him financially. But even with half the equity in our house, I couldn't afford the mortgage and bills on even a 2-bed flat, nor afford to rent somewhere like that on my own. I feel trapped, but I know it's not fair to stay with DH if I can't guarantee that I'll ever want to have sex with him again. I care about him, but he deserves to be happy and loved and I don't know if I can give that.

Sorry for the essay. Can anyone who's been in this situation tell me how they dealt with it? Has anyone else managed to rediscover love and desire for their lovely DH?

OP posts:

YawnAndTheyWillYawnToo · 04/04/2022 10:52

Ask yourself
Do you want to be in a relationship with your husband?
Does he want to be in one with you?
Don’t use house, kids, scared of the future to impact answering the questions honestly

Original poster

teapoems · 04/04/2022 10:58

@YawnAndTheyWillYawnToo

Ask yourself Do you want to be in a relationship with your husband? Does he want to be in one with you? Don’t use house, kids, scared of the future to impact answering the questions honestly

I don't know (which sounds like a cop-out, but I don't feel able to trust my feelings at the moment)
yes - he's said that he still loves me and wants to be with me.

OP posts:

easiersaidthandone7 · 04/04/2022 12:37

Gosh I'm in almost the exact same position as you although my husband isn't quite as helpful as yours sounds. I do the majority of the housework/childcare/mental load!

Did the friend at work have something that you feel you're missing in your marriage?

Original poster

teapoems · 04/04/2022 13:26

Hm. Shared interests, shared shitty upbringings and MH issues; also, I’d have climbed him like a tree.

OP posts:

NorthGirlie · 04/04/2022 13:37

Similar situation for me but I’d continued to live in the marriage for many years - one that was sexless for over a decade (my doing) and lacked affection/connection. Like you, my head was turned by someone else once I’d hit the menopause years and my goodness did I realise that the gap in my marriage was as big as the Grand Canyon. Problem is, other man is married and it broke my heart!
End your marriage. Take some time for yourself is my best advice and don’t contact the OM.

NorthGirlie · 04/04/2022 13:37

Forgot to say that I ended my marriage after 23 years.

Imaysnapandfart · 04/04/2022 13:46

Been in your exact position OP. I left my DH and it was the best decision for both of us. We now get on better than when we were together - although he was totally broken for a while. I know exactly what you mean by the smothering affection.

We were married for 8 years and I spent 5 of those being deeply unhappy (we didn't have sex AT ALL for those 5 years!). I kept using excuses like money etc to not move out - but it can be done. Universal credit helps with rent and child care.

I have my own place now and it's the best thing in the world. For yourself and your DH, if you don't love him, you need to leave him. It's not fair on either of you.

Original poster

teapoems · 04/04/2022 14:11

Is it never possible for love to regrow? I don’t feel loving towards him right now, but I don’t feel confident enough to assert that it might not come back if I can get over my friend. I definitely can’t imagine having sex with him again, though. Oh god, what a mess 😕

OP posts:

IsThePopeCatholic · 04/04/2022 14:32

Your dh sounds like a really nice man - not many of them around judging by the posts on mn. Think carefully before you make any decisions because you may regret leaving once you face reality.

Youknownothingsnow · 04/04/2022 14:39

What is it about your DH that made you fall in love with him and marry him? It’s easy to get wrapped up in a fantasy but when reality dawns it’s never how it pans out. I’d try and think back to when you first got together and when you got married. Then try and tap into that again. Start going on date nights and give it a good go. As others have said you could regret it if you end it without putting some concentrated effort in now.

Torres10 · 04/04/2022 14:46

I think its probably true that nice men are hard to find..not sure that should be a reason to stay, should it?
That feels like saying OP should stay put, even if she knows she will never feel that way again just because she may not find a better option, as in using him?

Imaysnapandfart · 04/04/2022 14:49

@teapoems only you can know if love can regrow or not. All I can say is from my own experience, I don't think so.

I sometimes think about what it would be like if I got back together with DH and the thought gives me the ick. He's lovely and kind, but there is NO attraction there at all, and I couldn't spend the rest of my life like that.

However, that's me. PP's advice about trying to think about what it was like when you first met etc is good. Obviously making a decision in haste is not a good idea.

Original poster

teapoems · 04/04/2022 15:30

He was kind, and emotionally open and secure, and smart, and always happy to see me - after some of the useless specimens I'd been dating, that was a thrilling change. I didn't fancy him immediately but thought he was cute and grew to fancy him more after we started having sex.

We don't really do date nights any more; I don't really want to be around him beyond the functional, 'keep the household running' things at the moment because I get irritated by him (which isn't his fault!) Things that used to charm me annoy me now.

OP posts:

Takeitonthechin · 04/04/2022 15:44

Oh dear... you will regret this in time I'm sure

Original poster

teapoems · 04/04/2022 16:51

@Takeitonthechin Could you expand?

OP posts:

Original poster

teapoems · 04/04/2022 18:37

Bumping for evening. Would genuinely like to hear from others who’ve been in a similar economic situation.

OP posts:

Lucyccfc68 · 04/04/2022 18:52

Just be very careful, as your DH may decide he doesn’t want to live in a loveless or sexless marriage. Start to plan now for your own financial independence, as you may not have a choice in the matter.

Original poster

teapoems · 04/04/2022 19:05

Yeah, he’s said as much, and I don’t blame him for that. I’m wondering if others have managed to rebuild some kind of love, or if they’ve successfully managed to leave without having a decent income of their own to fall back on.

OP posts:

easiersaidthandone7 · 04/04/2022 23:02

Did the other guy have feelings for you too?

I think for me, I feel trapped in an impossible situation because I have a child with someone, I chose to marry him, we have a mortgage, lovely house etc so what right do I have to be unhappy? 😕
I don't feel really miserable or anything, I just wish I felt happier, like I was with "my person" and that the physical side of things didn't feel like so much of a push for me. The feeling like kissing a sibling that you mentioned earlier is kind of how I feel too.

Original poster

teapoems · 05/04/2022 17:41

He did, but he rightly didn’t want to get involved with someone who was married.

I just feel like what I ought to do is stay put until my feelings are more settled, but what if that just creates more hostility between me and DH and I’m stopping him from moving on?

OP posts:

NorthGirlie · 07/04/2022 20:31

@teapoems

IMO no. You are clearly not in love with him. Leave.

NorthGirlie · 07/04/2022 20:33

@Torres10

I think its probably true that nice men are hard to find..not sure that should be a reason to stay, should it? That feels like saying OP should stay put, even if she knows she will never feel that way again just because she may not find a better option, as in using him?

Agreed

Original poster

teapoems · 07/04/2022 21:59

The thing is that it’s not just me I have to think about. If we split up, our kids will suffer, they’ll be poorer, their lives will be disrupted - for what? Because I don’t want to fuck DH? It seems so trivial a reason to leave. Is it really not possible to fake it til one makes it? I’ve read the long thread at the moment about staying together for the sake of the children and have seen the differing opinions. I wouldn’t even mind if DH went outside the relationship for sex, except that I know he wouldn’t want to do that and if he did, he’d likely fall for them.

OP posts:

closingtime101 · 08/04/2022 15:41

Are you kind to him when you are together? I am in a similar situation but unfortunately my frustration at, and dissatisfaction with, DH is palpable and on a few occasions he has said “sometimes I feel you don’t like me very much”. So yes - are you kind to your DH? If not, then unfortunately your reasons for staying with him aren’t worth the pain you are probably causing him daily. I do understand what you’re going through.

Original poster

teapoems · 08/04/2022 17:26

I probably don’t try hard enough to be kind to him. I feel so shitty at the moment that I mostly want to stay out of his way as much as possible, and resent any attempts he makes at physical contact (just hugs or whatever, he’s never pressured me for sex).

OP posts:

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