I'll say upfront that I know I'm in the wrong here.
Married to DH 11 years, two kids, 10 and 5. I'm late forties. DH is a great person. I've had periods of depression since my teens and he's been supportive of me when I've been down. Lots of self-loathing, history of self-harm, all that stuff. I was a SAHM for about 6 years. He's a great dad, and definitely does an equal share of the housework and childcare, and he's affectionate and open. He encourages me to do my own things when I want to. I've got nothing to complain about.
Our sex life started to take a dive not long after DC1 was born, but obviously was enough for us to have DC2. All my fault, really - I gradually lost attraction to him, and probably didn't do enough to try and revive it. We remained affectionate but by the time lockdown started it was down to once a fortnight, if that. We haven't had sex for over 6 months now. I can't even bring myself to kiss him. It would be like kissing a sibling. He was away on a trip for a couple of weeks last year and I didn't miss him at all.
At the start of lockdown in 2020 I started chatting by text with a male colleague who was also furloughed (he's single). It was never flirty, never any suggestion that it was more than just friendly, but we texted lots every day and did start sharing more personal stuff. The usual cliched bollocks, really. My feelings developed; we became close friends, hung out together (as friends), but we cut contact a couple of months ago because I had fallen for him. I'm not a total idiot - I've got over feeling like this about men in the past, I know it'll pass. But I'm grieving the loss of the friendship and finding it hard to get him as quickly as I should.
DH knows about this; I mean, he knew we were texting, but not how often, or what my feelings were. He knows now, and he's willing to wait for me to get over it, but he quite rightly says he can't live without love, and I don't know if I can recover how I once felt about him. We've tried couples counselling but I didn't click with the therapist. We're both doing individual counselling for now.
I should leave, shouldn't I? I know this isn't fair on DH. I find myself avoiding being in the same room as him because I feel swamped by his wanting hugs or affection. But I earn far less than him, and especially at the moment given rocketing bills, I'm terrified of trying to live on my own tiny salary (not much scope for increase) and what it might mean for the kids. I have no doubt that DH would ensure that they're well looked after, and his family are well-off and would support him financially. But even with half the equity in our house, I couldn't afford the mortgage and bills on even a 2-bed flat, nor afford to rent somewhere like that on my own. I feel trapped, but I know it's not fair to stay with DH if I can't guarantee that I'll ever want to have sex with him again. I care about him, but he deserves to be happy and loved and I don't know if I can give that.
Sorry for the essay. Can anyone who's been in this situation tell me how they dealt with it? Has anyone else managed to rediscover love and desire for their lovely DH?