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Original poster

DH and Instagram - not what I was expecting!

46 replies

TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 09:19

For context, DH and I have been together 10 years and our sex life is great. I’ve had a few health problems this year however which has affected this.
I arrived home from work unexpectedly early yesterday and DH was in the living room on his phone. I couldn’t see the screen (nor would I normally be interested) but did see the Instagram logo. DH jumped up like a scalded cat, clicked his phone screen off and dropped it on the sofa. Completely unlike him.
As the evening went on I got curious…so looked at DHs profile to see what on Earth he was following which would have made him not want me to see it. And then I found it. Pages and pages of transsexual models…both pre and post op. All very tasteful beautiful photos…but this is obviously what DH likes and I’m confused. And upset.
Is this a thing? Is he bi? Or bi-curious? Or does he just like looking at pictures of beautiful women on Instagram?
Please send me your advice oh wise people of Mumsnet. And yes if your advice is “curiosity killed the cat” then I’ll take that too.

OP posts:
Fourfloor · 04/04/2022 10:45

He likes anal sex, or the idea of anal sex, but isn't attracted to the traditional male form?

Sonaftersonafterson · 04/04/2022 11:02

It's a kink of his, obviously. You need to talk to him about it. Yes, it will be awkward but how can you NOT?

WonderWheels22 · 04/04/2022 11:13

Embrace this new kinkiness you have just found, there may be other things come to light if he’s at a point where he is exploring his sexuality and you might just unlock a door to even more fun for you both! Be open minded and allow yourself to be excited about the future. I was married to a man for years and had a rubbish sex life because of him and for reasons I won’t explain here. Since divorce I have experimented and met a few men with different fetishes, one of whom had the same as you mention with your husband. I was surprised that it was actually a turn on for us both as we discussed it. It was also a fantasy which as it turned out was just that and one he wouldn’t act on. I hope this helps you in some way. Good luck.

gannett · 04/04/2022 11:25

Only he can answer the question about his sexuality, though he may not even know the answer himself. Being into trans women doesn't necessarily mean he's any specific thing, apart from someone who likes trans women. It doesn't necessarily follow that he's into men.

Being into trans women definitely doesn't mean he's only into trans women. I think most of us have a range of types we're attracted to. In other words, just because he's into trans women doesn't mean he's not into you. Both attractions can coexist.

He obviously has a sense of shame about it though, which is more problematic. I don't know whether he's specifically ashamed that you'll judge him (hence the quick hiding) or whether it's a more general shame about what he's attracted to, but it's not really healthy for him.

However I'm honestly not sure whether you can or should help him there. Usually I'd say that good communication is key but there are definitely some fantasies I have that I don't particularly want to discuss with DP or bring into our actual sex life - they're just private and in my head.

Original poster
TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 11:50

Thanks all some really helpful replies here! Am now thinking more constructively rather than panicking.

OP posts:
Unsurprised456 · 04/04/2022 11:52

Sexual fetish, must be very ‘naughty’ for a straight man to like that.
Men like forbidden fruit.
I couldn’t deal with that knowledge personally.

Original poster
TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 12:09

@Unsurprised456 would this be a complete game changer for you then?
I can cope with the realms of sexual fantasy, if it is a fetish and in his head I can deal with it. If it was in the realms of reality it would obviously be a different story.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 04/04/2022 12:17

Plenty of transsexuals are incredibly good looking, if that’s an aesthetic you like. I could probably quite easily idle away a couple of hours looking at their Insta modelling photos. I’ve never had, nor do I particularly want to have, sex with a transwoman.

What we find attractive or what turns us on sexually isn’t necessarily something we can explain, and it’s also very often not something many people would actually want to explore beyond fantasy. Nancy Friday’s works are an excellent insight into sexual fantasy and the majority of the participants are quite clear that their fantasy is quite separate from the actual sex they have or want to be having.

heartofgrass · 04/04/2022 12:40

Does he know how Instagram works and that people can see who you follow?? Him hiding his phone and acting like a scalded cat when you arrived seems as though he doesn't.

ravenmum · 04/04/2022 12:45

Maybe he'd like to have a female body himself, and is looking to see what results are possible?

Original poster
TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 12:45

@heartofgrass it would appear not!!! If I can find it, I’m sure anyone in his “followers” list could too if they were so inclined. Including his children.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 04/04/2022 12:52

He’s looking at photos of beautiful women.
Lots of men do this on Instagram.
If it bothers you, tell him it bothers you.

SnowingInApril · 04/04/2022 12:56

How do you know he wasn’t using the messenger part of Instagram when you walked in? That would explain jumping etc if he was caught doing that.

Original poster
TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 13:00

@SnowingInApril I don’t! It’s the first behaviour of this sort I’ve ever seen from him (and I can spot a cheat a mile off as I’ve had plenty of experience). There are no red flags that I’ve come across in our relationship so far. Until yesterday.

OP posts:
SnowingInApril · 04/04/2022 13:04

Ah ok, doesn’t look good then. I thought you had seen pictures or something to know it was his feed rather then a private message.

Original poster
TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 13:10

@SnowingInApril I was too far away to know what he was looking at. Could have been a picture…could have been the DM page. Whatever it was he didn’t want me to see it.

OP posts:
BoodleBug51 · 04/04/2022 13:26

DH and I had a very major falling out last year. He'd been liking lots of plus size models on FB (I'm a big girl myself), but is such a dinosaur with tech that he didn't realise that everyone else could see who he was following/liking posts etc. Including our DC and extended family. I found out from a comment from one of them, and it wasn't nice.

He was horribly embarrassed when he realised............and I got really upset because it just felt really disrespectful. I said to him that I genuinley don't care what he looks at online but so publicly is completely out of order.

I'd sit him down and ask if he realises that it's public, and ask why he's so interested in them.

Booboobibles · 04/04/2022 13:44

@FelicityPike

He’s looking at photos of beautiful women. Lots of men do this on Instagram. If it bothers you, tell him it bothers you.
No he isn’t - he’s looking at beautiful photos of people who probably look either average or weird in real life!
Unsurprised456 · 04/04/2022 13:46

It would make me question whether I was satisfying enough for him sexually.

Nelliephant1 · 04/04/2022 13:51

@Fourfloor

He likes anal sex, or the idea of anal sex, but isn't attracted to the traditional male form?
That's a massive jump and smacks more than a tad of judgemental stereotyping. Not all gay men have anal sex, plenty of "straight" couples have anal sex so that argument is debunked straight away I'm afraid.
Tidlo · 04/04/2022 13:56

Couldn't he just be curious? If I did this it wouldn't mean I would be into them sexually, just puzzled and having a look

Tidlo · 04/04/2022 13:56

I would also jump and be startled if I was caught looking because I would know it looks a bit dodgy

Fourfloor · 04/04/2022 13:58

@Nelliephant1 I am so sorry that you interpreted my message that way as that wasn't what I intended. Probably as a result of my succinctness in replying.

Now I have more time, what I meant was merely to suggest a reason to the OP for the interest in trans women. I know from experience that a man may feel shame at requesting anal sex from his regular partner, and may seek out a trans woman to fulfil that role. I am not saying that is right, nor that all trans women want to shag straight men, nor that no straight couples have anal sex, nor that all gay men have anal sex.

It was merely a suggestion for the OP to consider to allay any fears that her partner might be gay, or bi-sexual. My answer is: he may simply be interested in anal sex, and think that finding a trans woman (as opposed to a woman with a strap-on, basically) is the sollution.

HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 14:05

Why don't you just tell him you saw what pages he follows? She what he says.

Original poster
TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 14:05

@BoodleBug51 I’m sorry this happened to you. Flowers
So hurtful isn’t it!
I’ve had another look at some of the photos and I could never achieve the huge pneumatic boobs and perfectly round bottoms of these women. They are the stuff of sexual fantasies! But if he was to pursue it in real life…game over!

OP posts: