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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and Instagram - not what I was expecting!

46 replies

TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 09:19

For context, DH and I have been together 10 years and our sex life is great. I’ve had a few health problems this year however which has affected this.
I arrived home from work unexpectedly early yesterday and DH was in the living room on his phone. I couldn’t see the screen (nor would I normally be interested) but did see the Instagram logo. DH jumped up like a scalded cat, clicked his phone screen off and dropped it on the sofa. Completely unlike him.
As the evening went on I got curious…so looked at DHs profile to see what on Earth he was following which would have made him not want me to see it. And then I found it. Pages and pages of transsexual models…both pre and post op. All very tasteful beautiful photos…but this is obviously what DH likes and I’m confused. And upset.
Is this a thing? Is he bi? Or bi-curious? Or does he just like looking at pictures of beautiful women on Instagram?
Please send me your advice oh wise people of Mumsnet. And yes if your advice is “curiosity killed the cat” then I’ll take that too.

OP posts:
Madrenetterhere · 04/04/2022 14:08

This would be a deal breaker for me. Your husband is secretly gay or bi and into trans or he is thinking he wants to come out as trans himself. The only way you'll know for sure is to have a frank discussion with him

Fourfloor · 04/04/2022 14:08

Don't believe all you see - photos are often enhanced.

TiddleyWink · 04/04/2022 14:09

This would be about the biggest turn off I could imagine and I could never look at my DH in the same way again personally. The marriage would be over for me knowing that’s what turns him on.

Opentooffers · 04/04/2022 14:58

If he suggests a holiday to Thailand, I'd start to worry, otherwise its likely to stay fantasy due at least to lack of availability. However, I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling a bit funny about it.
I once dated someone who it turned out had a colourful past with trans Thai people. Interestingly, we went to a gay bar once -I quite like them - he however, looked extremely uncomfortable in that environment, unpickicking his reaction would probably be a bit of a task though, so make of that what you will. I suppose just because a person has kinks, doesn't make them broad-minded in a general sense or any less bigoted. So well travelled, and yet so steriotypical of nations.

Thymeout · 04/04/2022 16:12

I wouldn't be surprised, with trans being in the news, quite a few people have been googling to see what's being talked about. They would v likely react like your DH if someone came in unexpectedly.

Don't jump to any conclusions. It's impossible to say that it's either this or that. Just approach him at the basic tech level. Does he know that anyone can see his history? Just curiosity or is it a turn-on? And take bit from there in a totally open-minded way.

Lots of people get turned on by fantasies that are the polar opposite of what they'd actually like to happen in real life. As pp said, naughtiness is in itself a turn-on and in the days of anything goes is becoming increasingly rare to find.

Palmfrond · 04/04/2022 17:20

My male perspective; unless there are other reasons to worry, I wouldn’t be concerned about this.
To paraphrase Joe Exotic- straight men usually look at porn that involves a lot of erect penises, so doesn’t that suggest they aren’t as straight as they think they are?
I think he has a point- we are all harbouring an inner pan sexual bonobo, which for whatever reasons remains dormant in the majority of people, except perhaps in their innermost fantasies.

Palmfrond · 04/04/2022 17:23

@Thymeout

I wouldn't be surprised, with trans being in the news, quite a few people have been googling to see what's being talked about. They would v likely react like your DH if someone came in unexpectedly.

Don't jump to any conclusions. It's impossible to say that it's either this or that. Just approach him at the basic tech level. Does he know that anyone can see his history? Just curiosity or is it a turn-on? And take bit from there in a totally open-minded way.

Lots of people get turned on by fantasies that are the polar opposite of what they'd actually like to happen in real life. As pp said, naughtiness is in itself a turn-on and in the days of anything goes is becoming increasingly rare to find.

Well put
Original poster
TheElectricBoogaloo · 04/04/2022 18:52

@Palmfrond thank you for your perspective, really helpful!

OP posts:
Moser85 · 04/04/2022 19:00

@Fourfloor

He likes anal sex, or the idea of anal sex, but isn't attracted to the traditional male form?
Bit of a reach
MySecretHistory · 04/04/2022 19:14

@FelicityPike

He’s looking at photos of beautiful women. Lots of men do this on Instagram. If it bothers you, tell him it bothers you.
He really isn’t
MySecretHistory · 04/04/2022 19:22

It would be a Ltb for me
A boundary crossed

Carpy899 · 04/04/2022 19:29

@Madrenetterhere

This would be a deal breaker for me. Your husband is secretly gay or bi and into trans or he is thinking he wants to come out as trans himself. The only way you'll know for sure is to have a frank discussion with him
I highly doubt that.
OhSoStranger · 04/04/2022 19:46

This isn't curiosity. He's followed them and his reaction to you potentially see it is worrying.

You need to talk to him.

Madrenetterhere · 04/04/2022 19:52

@Carpy899 you highly doubt what?

PakkaMakka · 04/04/2022 20:00

You need to talk to him, not least because as others have said, he might not have realised that's others can see what he follows.
However if it's any consolation I remember one of my good friends followed similar stuff, including watching trans porn online. He told me because he'd gone for a job that has the highest level security clearance (one where you have to show you're not likely to be worried about blackmail) and he was laughing about how surreal it was going through his sexual preferences and porn taste in the security interview, as well as being asked about any previous affairs, one night stands etc.

For my friend, I'm 100% sure that it was a forbidden fruit/unexplained kink feeling. He's one of the most moral, family focused men I know and I'm sure he's not gay or curious (there were no barriers to him coming out as gay if he was, no pressure to marry or anything like that. He was open minded about sex/sexuality and non judgemental to others, his own sex life (outside of the stuff he viewed) was pretty vanilla.

Tidlo · 04/04/2022 20:01

@Thymeout

I wouldn't be surprised, with trans being in the news, quite a few people have been googling to see what's being talked about. They would v likely react like your DH if someone came in unexpectedly.

Don't jump to any conclusions. It's impossible to say that it's either this or that. Just approach him at the basic tech level. Does he know that anyone can see his history? Just curiosity or is it a turn-on? And take bit from there in a totally open-minded way.

Lots of people get turned on by fantasies that are the polar opposite of what they'd actually like to happen in real life. As pp said, naughtiness is in itself a turn-on and in the days of anything goes is becoming increasingly rare to find.

Completely agree. There is SO much reaching from other posters in this thread. Glad I'm not in a relationship with any of them... the level of automatic assume the worst paranoia!
Zerrin13 · 04/04/2022 20:27

If he wanted to just look at beautiful women he wouldn't have any problem finding pictures of them. But he isn't looking at women. He is looking at men who would like to be women but most definitely arnt.

HangingRock25 · 04/04/2022 20:36

@FelicityPike

He’s looking at photos of beautiful women. Lots of men do this on Instagram. If it bothers you, tell him it bothers you.
@FelicityPike He's not looking at women, he's looking at men.
Soringhaze · 04/04/2022 20:47

Heaven only knows. Ask and be curious rather than accusatory. Only once you sort out what's really going on can you decide where your line is. If DH was looking at men then it would be over personally but everyone is different.

Palmfrond · 04/04/2022 20:48

[quote TheElectricBoogaloo]@Palmfrond thank you for your perspective, really helpful![/quote]
I’ll add that he might have been jumpy about it because he was just rubber necking these images and thought that you’d think he was weird for doing so? Looking in a non-actively sexual way at sexual/sexualized images is certainly something men do. We even do it together, pass comments etc, no one is aroused, it’s just something men do. It doesn’t necessarily have to be unpleasant/degrading/homophobic or sexist comments either (though unfortunately normally is) just curiosity.
As previous posters have suggested though I would say it is alarming that other people /friends/family can see that he follows these accounts, unless he is an artist, musician or similar bohemian type who doesn’t give a shit.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 04/04/2022 20:49

Have you asked him ?

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