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Original poster

My partner doesn't want children

41 replies

Daynight1 · 04/04/2022 09:09

I have been with my partner for a little over a year now, we've just brought a home together and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. He's told me that he finds it very overwhelming the life he has currently with us,(my daughter bio dad passed away) he says it's very different being only him to now having a house and a family to take care of but always assures me he loves us both dearly and I believe him as he shows me daily. But he hit me with that he doesn't want any of his own children, knowing I do. I love this man and thought this was the man I was going to marry and now I'm not sure of I should stay with him or not

OP posts:
TriTrey · 04/04/2022 09:24

At least he's being honest and open with you about his feelings - and I can understand he's feeling overwhelmed with his life changing so dramatically in 12 months.

Did you have the Big Convo re marriage and kids before you moved in together? How old are you OP?

  1. You could leave him and hope you find another guy you're compatible with who does want DC
  2. stay with him and see if he changes his mind (without any pressure or expectation to do so)
  3. Accept now that you won't have more DC but you have a DD and partner you love

It's never black and white, these are always such tough situations.

babyjellyfish · 04/04/2022 09:24

Had you never discussed this before?

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2022 09:29

Did he wait until you were saddled with a house together to tell you this? If so, that was absolutely shitty of him because he made it more difficult for you to leave deliberately before giving you possible deal breaker information.

Really it comes down to how important is another child to you? And how pissed off you are about how he's done it.

TriTrey · 04/04/2022 09:34

I don't think it's shitty to be open and honest, even of it's not what you want to hear.

Plus, everyone has the right to change their minds - benefit of the doubt, he may have wanted DC but the reality of now being in a family unit has overwhelmed him. If this is true, he may feel differently with more time to adjust.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 04/04/2022 09:34

Tbf, he possibly did want kids or was undecided until faced with the reality.

Like PP says, it's never black and white and just because you may have been up for having kids in the past doesn't mean people can't change their minds. This doesn't make them a bad person.

At least he's being honest. You need to do the same and make some tough decisions.

Madickenxx · 04/04/2022 09:35

Give it time. You have only been together a year so presumably not lived as a blended family for long. Of course it's going to be overwhelming for him and take some time for all of you to get used to. He might feel differently once you have all settled in a bit more.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 04/04/2022 09:43

OP,
He has been honest with you.

Now you need to be honest with yourself.

There is no compromise here. Either you accept and stay in a situation which isn't what you want (and prevents you having a child with someone else).
Or you cut your losses while you still have time to find another partner who wants what you want. You can't put your life on hold waiting for him to come around to your way of thinking.

Neither is a good choice for you, unfortunately.

And whatever you do, don't have an 'oops' baby just to force the situation - that causes resentment all round.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 04/04/2022 09:49

Not sure as in it’s something he really wanted but he’s been shocked by the change to being a fulltime live in stepdad and is wavering a bit? Or not sure and in he was actually on the fence about having a child with you and now he’s sure he doesn’t want one?
1st situation I’d give things 6months to settle and have the conversation again. 2nd situation I would be looking to leave if I wanted more children and would be furious with him if this confession went against what he had previously told me.

Hiddenvoice · 04/04/2022 09:59

He’s been honest with you. It’s a big deal from going to living on your own to then having a bigger responsibility with caring for a family.
Lots of couples need time to adjust to each other when they move in which is normal. Some couples make it and some don’t. He maybe just needs some time to adjust to this new life.
It’s up to you how you progress, obviously you’ll be upset by his decision but let him have time to think it over. Once he’s adapted to his new life he might feel differently!

HellToTheNope · 04/04/2022 10:05

I'm astounded that you've only been together a year, you have a child, and you've already bought a house with this man. Sorry, but too much, too soon. I'm not surprised that he's having a hard time.

Neverreturntoathread · 04/04/2022 10:08

It is quite common for men to feel this way then change their minds, but you can’t assume that will happen, so its a big risk to stay.

For me - if I was under age 30 or so I’d leave and hope to meet someone else in time to have more children, if over 30 I’d know that the chances of sorting this break up, dating a bit, settling down and persuading new man to have kids all before age 35 was unlikely enough to not make it worth trying for.

knittingaddict · 04/04/2022 10:15

I am genuinely shocked that you've bought a property with a man you've been with for less than a year and all that when you have a child. If this is real it happened far too quickly and the cracks are showing.

TedMullins · 04/04/2022 10:18

I'm astonished this has only just come up. Did you not discuss your future wishes before committing to buying a house together? I tell people on the very first date that I don't want children because I'm not interested in starting a relationship with anyone who does.

But, what's done is done. He's being honest and you need to take him at his word. If having more children is more important to you than a relationship with this man then you should leave - if you stay and feel like you've given up the chance to have more, you could easily end up resenting him. Houses can be sold.

Whadda · 04/04/2022 10:20

@knittingaddict

I am genuinely shocked that you've bought a property with a man you've been with for less than a year and all that when you have a child. If this is real it happened far too quickly and the cracks are showing.
100% this.

Your child has gone through the loss of a parent, and is now living with a stranger. It’s likely that they’ll now deal with the breakdown of this relationship and another house move.

This relationship is moving really, really quickly. You need to take a step back and focus on your existing child.

Original poster
Daynight1 · 04/04/2022 10:52

I'd like to add my daughter never knew her real dad as she was so little when he passed. I met my partner and waited before I introduced them to each other. All my daughter has ever known is my partner. We of course had this discussion when we started dating and he was originally open to maybe having his own, it has only been since we moved in together that he has changed his mind

OP posts:
heldinadream · 04/04/2022 10:57

So you say he knows you want more children. You must have had some indication from him that he also wanted a child, surely? So is this a change of mind based on the reality shock of living with you and your DD?
If you haven't been living together for long this could change. But you need to both talk as openly as you can about what's happening, and if having another child is a deal breaker for you you need to be clear with him.
I'm sorry your DD's dad died. However all that came about you must have been through some rough times.

heldinadream · 04/04/2022 10:58

Posts crossed OP.
We're you and DD's dad together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2022 11:07

How long have you lived together and did that predate buying together? It’s all very very fast. If you break up she may only have known you with him but she can’t have known him that long.

You can’t compromise on children, it’s the biggest deal breaker. So you’ve got a big decision to make.

And it’s okay that he’s changed his mind, he’s not lived with a child before and he’s thrown himself in at the deep end - which was foolish of both of you.

So what are you going to do?

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2022 11:41

@Daynight1

I'd like to add my daughter never knew her real dad as she was so little when he passed. I met my partner and waited before I introduced them to each other. All my daughter has ever known is my partner. We of course had this discussion when we started dating and he was originally open to maybe having his own, it has only been since we moved in together that he has changed his mind
But you've only been together a year?

You've been dating, introduced him to your daughter and bought a house and moved in together in a very short time.

Of course he's shell-shocked! How old is your DD? Different ages bring different challenges

You need to give it time and then, if it's a dealbreaker, take the risk of leaving and maybe not finding anyone else.

babyjellyfish · 04/04/2022 11:57

@Daynight1

I'd like to add my daughter never knew her real dad as she was so little when he passed. I met my partner and waited before I introduced them to each other. All my daughter has ever known is my partner. We of course had this discussion when we started dating and he was originally open to maybe having his own, it has only been since we moved in together that he has changed his mind
Did you live together before you bought a place together?
TriTrey · 04/04/2022 12:27

@Daynight1

I'd like to add my daughter never knew her real dad as she was so little when he passed. I met my partner and waited before I introduced them to each other. All my daughter has ever known is my partner. We of course had this discussion when we started dating and he was originally open to maybe having his own, it has only been since we moved in together that he has changed his mind
I'm assuming here, but how you word it, it does sound like he wasn't exactly enthusiastic about having his own; I wonder if you told him you 100% did and it was a deal breaker? Or did you say you were just 'open' too? I do feel for him, as well as you, he's been honest throughout and is being clear that he's overwhelmed (the reality must be quite a lot to contend with!).

Your age would determine what to do, personally - but be careful with resentment, which is usually the biggest cause of break ups in this situation. Perhaps seek some counselling to explore your feelings more may help?

knittingaddict · 04/04/2022 13:37

@Daynight1

I'd like to add my daughter never knew her real dad as she was so little when he passed. I met my partner and waited before I introduced them to each other. All my daughter has ever known is my partner. We of course had this discussion when we started dating and he was originally open to maybe having his own, it has only been since we moved in together that he has changed his mind
You waited? How long - a week ot two? It takes time to buy a house, so you obviously didn't wait long to make a major life decision.

Also "maybe" he wanted children? Really not good enough is it?

I'm struggling to believe tht anyone would do this.

knittingaddict · 04/04/2022 13:37

that

Sofasogood1 · 04/04/2022 13:40

Bought a house together after a year but haven't discussed whether to have kids?

Pinkbonbon · 04/04/2022 13:44

Tbf op you already have a child, do you really need more?

I'm your scenario I'd hang on to him tbh. Finding a good man who you love, who loves you and treats you right is bloody rare these days.