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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know what I would probably say if this wasn’t me…

40 replies

tinydancer88 · 03/04/2022 22:40

My boyfriend of 3 years, whom I live with, has just told me that his ex wife filed for divorce on the basis of adultery as after their separation he started seeing another woman. Prior to this I believed they had just grown apart but she wanted to push on with a marriage that wasn’t working and he decided to leave.

He had an affair didn’t he?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2022 22:41

No one here can say. What do you think?

AtrociousCircumstance · 03/04/2022 22:41

Sounds like it.

bumpytrumpy · 03/04/2022 22:41

Yep

I suspect her version of events would be useful for you to hear before you consider marrying him yourself.

Original poster
tinydancer88 · 03/04/2022 22:43

@AnneLovesGilbert

No one here can say. What do you think?
He’s never given me reason to doubt him before. But if I heard this scenario from someone else… cheat. 100%
OP posts:
CircleofWillis · 03/04/2022 22:45

Are you sure she doesn't mean you? After all you are seeing him after their separation. If it is a different women, 'after separation' does not mean he was cheating on her.

Alcemeg · 03/04/2022 22:46

Not necessarily? I mean, that's the trouble with divorce laws insisting on a finger of blame being pointed. I'm glad it's about to change this week!

Original poster
tinydancer88 · 03/04/2022 22:46

@CircleofWillis

Are you sure she doesn't mean you? After all you are seeing him after their separation. If it is a different women, 'after separation' does not mean he was cheating on her.
We got together 2 years after the divorce was finalised.
OP posts:
Gardeningcreature · 03/04/2022 22:46

Yes looks that way. From what I understand and this was advice from a solicitor, adultery has to be proven. It’s not a case of my wife/husband had committed adultery so therefore the decree absolute will state that.
The other party has to agree to it or the first Party must prove it.
Basically, you cannot just accuse your wife/husband of adultery, it’s innocent unless proven guilty. The majority of divorces are for unreasonable behaviour. That absolutely does not mean that in the majority of cases adultery did not occur.

Original poster
tinydancer88 · 03/04/2022 22:47

@bumpytrumpy

Yep

I suspect her version of events would be useful for you to hear before you consider marrying him yourself.

We don’t have any contact and have never met. I can’t put this on her in that context, although I agree it’s probably at least a slightly different tale.
OP posts:
Discountclaimed · 03/04/2022 22:48

He did. How does that make you feel about your own relationship OP?

Original poster
tinydancer88 · 03/04/2022 22:49

@Discountclaimed

He did. How does that make you feel about your own relationship OP?
I don’t want to be with someone who has cheated on his wife and mother of his children.

It would break my heart as I love him very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinydancer88 · 04/04/2022 08:33

@Alcemeg

Not necessarily? I mean, that's the trouble with divorce laws insisting on a finger of blame being pointed. I'm glad it's about to change this week!
I guess I just don't understand why she would pursue this, and he would agree to accept it, if there wasn't an element of truth. But I've no experience of the divorce process.
OP posts:
SophieSoSo · 04/04/2022 08:41

Men very rarely leave their home, wife and children unless there is someone else waiting for them.

I’m sorry OP.

Gemster19 · 04/04/2022 09:46

I've no experience of the divorce process but could this be a legal technicality? Does the law consider it adultery because they were still married when he pursued the new relationship, even though they were separated? If so, perhaps he agreed on the basis that it was technically correct and the terms of the divorce were sufficiently favourable for him.

Only he can give you the truth here, and if you doubt his ability to do that, there's your answer.

Sleepytimebear · 04/04/2022 09:51

I was advised against citing adultery by my solicitor as it can be difficult to prove and quite often ends up going to court. If she cited adultery as the reason and he accepted it I think it's likely he cheated.

Gardeningcreature · 04/04/2022 10:10

Yep she would have to prove it and that is not just, well he is now in a relationship with another woman, I’ve seen pictures on fb. That is not enough. You have to prove that he is having full sexual intercourse.
It does sound very dodgey.
Most divorces are on the grounds if unreasonable behaviour, which can be anything one person finds unable to tolerate.
Soon, not sure if it’s already happened, there will be no fault divorce. You can also get divorced without citing reason after 5 years of separation. Again this might be changing with the update in the law.

BuddhaAtSea · 04/04/2022 10:13

She would have had to have irrefutable proof he had sexual intercourse. She must have caught him red handed.

Fourfloor · 04/04/2022 10:19

@Sleepytimebear

I was advised against citing adultery by my solicitor as it can be difficult to prove and quite often ends up going to court. If she cited adultery as the reason and he accepted it I think it's likely he cheated.
Definitely this. Solicitors often advise clients to cite unreasonable behaviour ^even in the case where adultery has taken place'. When a woman rejects this advice I would say that it is important to her that the true reason is cited. If they were separated when he committed adultery I would say it is much more likely she would have gone down the 'unreasonable behaviour' route in order to avoid any potential issues with citing adultery. I think he's slipped up in what he's told you recently compared to what he told you originally.
Fourfloor · 04/04/2022 10:19

@BuddhaAtSea

She would have had to have irrefutable proof he had sexual intercourse. She must have caught him red handed.
Or he admitted it to her.
Sleepytimebear · 04/04/2022 10:27

@Fourfloor my exH admitted it to me and I was still advised to cite unreasonable behaviour as a confession wasn't considered sufficient evidence and he could simply retract and demand I prove it.

MissPattyGilmore · 04/04/2022 10:29

“guess I just don't understand why she would pursue this, and he would agree to accept it, if there wasn't an element of truth. But I've no experience of the divorce process”

I CAN totally understand it…
Could it be that they separated, and then he started seeing someone else. Then he and his ex agreed to apply for divorce on adultery grounds to get it quicker?

I think you can agree to a divorce without agreeing to the the grounds for it. You definitely can in the case of ‘Unreasonable Behaviour’ - I know someone who lied on the forms about the reasons but the other person was advised to just accept it for the divorce to go uncontested. Not sure why they didn’t divorce on those grounds though, was Adultery quicker/simpler?

If they had actually both already agreed between themselves the marriage was over, then technically it wasn’t really cheating? But legally they could put it on the paperwork as they were still married?

You just have to ask him for full disclosure of all the details, and then decide if you believe him.

Fourfloor · 04/04/2022 10:38

[quote Sleepytimebear]@Fourfloor my exH admitted it to me and I was still advised to cite unreasonable behaviour as a confession wasn't considered sufficient evidence and he could simply retract and demand I prove it.[/quote]
I think it's very sad that people don't even get to have the truth on their divorce petition but I can understand advisors looking at the best outcome for their client.

BlingLoving · 04/04/2022 10:41

My sister and her ex husband debated the adultery thing when they divorced. IN the end, as neither of them had committed adultery and they had no children, they just waited the 2 years or whatever in order to make it work.

It is entirely possible that after they separated and one or both committed adultery they agreed to cite that as a reason.

No fault divorce should have been a thing a LONG time ago.

Goldberg213 · 04/04/2022 10:44

I know two couples who agreed adultery for divorce despite the fact neither had committed it in order to ‘get the divorce through’

I also know another who divorced on the grounds of adultery despite the relationship having ended for six months when the husband met his new partner. Again this was to make the process quick.

Alcemeg · 04/04/2022 10:46

@BlingLoving

My sister and her ex husband debated the adultery thing when they divorced. IN the end, as neither of them had committed adultery and they had no children, they just waited the 2 years or whatever in order to make it work.

It is entirely possible that after they separated and one or both committed adultery they agreed to cite that as a reason.

No fault divorce should have been a thing a LONG time ago.

Yes, this is what I was thinking.

"Unreasonable behaviour" is such a horrible thing to say about the person you have loved for a long time, if things don't work out.