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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know what I would probably say if this wasn’t me…

40 replies

tinydancer88 · 03/04/2022 22:40

My boyfriend of 3 years, whom I live with, has just told me that his ex wife filed for divorce on the basis of adultery as after their separation he started seeing another woman. Prior to this I believed they had just grown apart but she wanted to push on with a marriage that wasn’t working and he decided to leave.

He had an affair didn’t he?

OP posts:

Original poster

tinydancer88 · 04/04/2022 11:28

So you don't have to produce evidence of adultery if the person you're divorcing accepts the divorce on those grounds? You only produce it if they contest?

I don't really understand why that would be preferable to citing unreasonable behaviour/irreconciliable differences/

OP posts:

Freddy12 · 04/04/2022 11:35

who knows for sure
I was having sex very soon after splitting from my wife, went on line and found people looking for a quick no hassle shag - which was great at the time (left a sex less marriage)
so technically adultery - we were separated and divorce we agreed
Now re married and happy - life moves on does not mean he is a bad guy or that he will cheat on you

CheddarTheDog · 04/04/2022 11:57

You can use adultery if you’re separated and one party starts seeing someone else. I know because a solicitor said it was possible for my husband to use it (I started seeing someone after six months) if we didn’t want to go the unreasonable behaviour route and we did consider it as neither of us really wanted to list unreasonable behaviours. In the end we’ve just decided to wait for Wednesday for no fault.

So there’s a chance they used it in that way, but I think you’re right to ask him/be a little suspicious as if that was what had happened he surely would have already explained that to you?

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 12:00

Exh threatened me with adultery. Because I started seeing someone after we split.

Even if separated, technically its adultery. I told him to go ahead. Because I didn't really care what the divorce papers said.

Everyone who matters knew the truth. If it was going to get me divorced I was fine with it. Contesting would have just taken longer.

It doesn't mean he cheated at all.

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 12:04

@tinydancer88

So you don't have to produce evidence of adultery if the person you're divorcing accepts the divorce on those grounds? You only produce it if they contest?

I don't really understand why that would be preferable to citing unreasonable behaviour/irreconciliable differences/

Because people think it gives then an edge in the divorce. Lots of people use divorce to punish their ex, even when the ex hasn't don't anything wrong apart from leave.

thenewduchessoflapland · 04/04/2022 12:11

It's possible;legally if their still married and he was seeing others it is adultery

Some people can be very bitter and petty during a divorce;my friends exH was nightmare during theirs;he would have full well used her seeing someone post separation against her.

Original poster

tinydancer88 · 04/04/2022 12:56

It's useful to know this is actually a thing other people have experience of, thank you.

It's just made me look at other things he's said about the period when he split from his ex a bit differently - he never says anything bad about her, but he has said that he felt his family supported her over him in the initial aftermath and I know his eldest was quite difficult for a year or so.

I know he's going to be upset that I doubt him but I'll have to speak to him about it.

OP posts:

BuddhaAtSea · 04/04/2022 13:34

@Turningpurple 😂😂 my ExH threatened to do the same. We asked where do we sign. (We’d separated for well over 2 years by then, he just didn’t like it I moved on 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Bookworm20 · 04/04/2022 15:19

@tinydancer88

So you don't have to produce evidence of adultery if the person you're divorcing accepts the divorce on those grounds? You only produce it if they contest?

I don't really understand why that would be preferable to citing unreasonable behaviour/irreconciliable differences/

You don't have to produce evidence if the other person does not contest it.

I know people who have done it this way because they seperated, wanted a divorce and it was the fastest route. Otherwise you have to prove unreasonable behaviour or prove you have been seperated for a certain period of time (10 years I think? Might be 2 now though).

Also, adultery can be used if for example they seperated, but hadn't divorced yet and months or even years later one entered into a relationship. They are still married and although seperated it is considered adultery.

So they could have seperated, he got into a relationship some time afterwards, with nothing to do with the inital seperation. He or she then wanted to file for a divorce so they could move on with their lives seperately and adultery would have technically been true and likely the fastest way to go about it.

only time someone wouldn't agree to it is it can mean the cheated on spouse can claim more from the pot so to speak.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/04/2022 15:30

the only time someone wouldn't agree to it is it can mean the cheated on spouse can claim more from the pot so to speak.

This isn't the case in the UK - adultery doesn't have any legal bearing at all on the financial settlement of a divorce.

I think it's a bit of a myth that's been perpetuated in tv shows etc and maybe it's different in the states but in the UK it isn't the case.

girlmom21 · 04/04/2022 15:33

I wouldn't automatically assume he'd cheated. Some people get bitter when they separate. Legally it's adultery but realistically when you're separated it doesn't matter. He might've just wanted the divorce over with quickly.

Ultimately you need to know if he cheated on her if that's a dealbreaker for you.

LikeABreathRipplingBy · 04/04/2022 15:58

I divorced first H for unreasonable behaviour because he wanted to marry again quickly. He wasn't unreasonable or unfaithful, it just suited his timeline.

Justleaveitblankthen · 04/04/2022 16:22

@SophieSoSo

Men very rarely leave their home, wife and children unless there is someone else waiting for them.

I’m sorry OP.

I agree with this. Not wanting to generalise, but it's very often the case that 'A woman leaves a relationship for herself. A man leaves for another woman'
Not always, but often enough.

Turningpurple · 04/04/2022 17:01

[quote BuddhaAtSea]@Turningpurple 😂😂 my ExH threatened to do the same. We asked where do we sign. (We’d separated for well over 2 years by then, he just didn’t like it I moved on 🤷🏻‍♀️).[/quote]
Exactly. I was like. 'Yup sounds good. Whatever gets its done'

🤣

altmember · 04/04/2022 20:45

If the petitioner puts down adultery as the reason (out of spite or otherwise), then the respondent has to either accept the divorce on those grounds, or argue it out in court. So it's usually easier to just accept the reason given rather than jeopardise the divorce.

If the petitioner wants to be smart they'll apply stating unreasonable behaviour, and then when specifying what the unreasonable behaviour was, put down adultery! Doesn't need to be proven and the respondent can't really argue it.

Anyway, even if he did cheat on his ex it doesn't change who he is with you. Without context you can't really judge.

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