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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ignored by DH for a month, self-sabotarging at work

35 replies

Nighttimedaytime · 03/04/2022 22:13

I want to leave. Have seen a solicitor and spoken to WA, there has been a lot of verbal abuse over the years and I need to go. I have been warned by both that whilst it is bullying behaviour, it would be frown upon to just up and go with DC. Also complicated by the fact he threatens to take the children out the country if we end our marriage. I am completely frozen and now I am failing at work. I cannot hit deadlines, do not respond to emails, deliberately bury my head in the sand. I am now in a lot of trouble at work and may end in disciplinary. They know I have problems at home and offered reduced hours (and pay). How did others cope? How do I maintain separation between work and home? How on earth can I get any part of my life back on track? Yes, have spent another weekend without any adult conversation. I'm being ignored - again. I had planned to spend tonight catching up with work. But just can't do it, despite having the time, I have no will. Do I own up at work? Do I try and cover? I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 03/04/2022 22:15

I’ve been in your situation. It’s very difficult. You have to end the marriage as quickly as possible. Get the solicitor to help you. Can you rent somewhere else? Have kids 50% of the time? Get away from him is the only way forward

needmorethanthis · 03/04/2022 22:15

How old are the kids?

Original poster
Nighttimedaytime · 03/04/2022 22:20

Thank you. Both under 3. How do I end it when he refuses to engage? It is very difficult, he won't even let me take DC out on my own. He is overseeing every move. He says I can leave at any time, but without the DC. That isn't an option for me.

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 03/04/2022 22:24

Talk to your GP

Mumof3confused · 03/04/2022 22:24

And Women’s Aid

PartyPlan · 03/04/2022 22:26

I would use this to throw myself into work, rather than running away from it. Get fully absorbed rather than burying your head in the sand as a good distraction from home. Get yourself a decent lawyer and try to leave!

Hercisback · 03/04/2022 22:27

Do you have family you can go to?

Id prioritise getting out for now.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 03/04/2022 22:27

What is he threatening to do if you take the kids? Does he never leave the house?

Quatrophoenix · 03/04/2022 22:30

I have been warned by both that whilst it is bullying behaviour, it would be frown upon to just up and go with DC

Really? WA said that? On what grounds?

Vapeyvapevape · 03/04/2022 22:33

I'm amazed WA said that , they were amazing when I went to them . I would definitely tell work what you are going through.

Original poster
Nighttimedaytime · 03/04/2022 22:42

@PartyPlan I know that is what I should be doing!! It is just not happening. Been sat staring at work bag for an hour and cannot bring myself to look at all the demands/deadlines/questions.

@LadyGardenersQuestionTime, he never leaves the house and never opens the blinds. I do think he has mental health issues. However after three years of this, I have concluded that notwithstanding the underlying cause, I don't deserve or need to be treated in this manner.

OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 03/04/2022 22:44

Have you seen a solicitor?

Original poster
Nighttimedaytime · 03/04/2022 22:48

Yes, that if it ever got to court it would not be looked at favourably if I unilaterally left with DC. I can (sort of) understand that, I would hate it if he left and took the DC.

OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 03/04/2022 22:50

How did the solicitor say you should go about leaving?

Stripyhoglets1 · 03/04/2022 22:55

You need to speak to womens aid asap. He's being abusive and controlling and you should be able to leave if you need to. You can seek advice from womens aid about how to do that.
You need to also get a prohibited steps order to make sure he can't take them out the country as he has threatened to do so.
Once you are happier at home you will be able to work. Can you get signed off for a couple of weeks?

Vapeyvapevape · 03/04/2022 22:55

That just doesn't sound right Op , women leave and take their children with them all the time don't they?

oviraptor21 · 03/04/2022 23:00

How could he take them out of the country if he barely goes out of the house. I assume you are in the UK as you talk about Women's Aid. Where would he take them to? Do you know where their passports are?
Do you have access to finances?

justasking111 · 03/04/2022 23:01

Well you could call the police say he has threatened you and children if you are a good liar. They would take him away then you escape. You're all prisoners to be honest

ProfessorSillyStuff · 03/04/2022 23:07

Get an injunction, specifically an occupation order, on grounds of coercive control. Gather evidence first though.

If you speak to NCDA they can help. Skip the police and WA they have no backbone for women in need.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 03/04/2022 23:08

Sorry NCDV
ncdv.org.uk

thequeenoftarts · 03/04/2022 23:15

Make him a nice cup of tea/coffee with sleeping tablets in it, when he sleeps run , or vanish in the middle of the night, he cant watch you all the time

StopStartStop · 03/04/2022 23:16

If it was a forced marriage you can call the police to help you get out.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 04/04/2022 03:31

The judge would not take it lightly that he never leaves the house. This was almost the only question that was asked at my hearing. It makes the control so suffocating.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2022 03:39

If he never leaves the house. And you can't leave the house with the children alone. Does that mean your children never leave the house? And the curtains are drawn so they don't ever see the outside?

I'd report my own family to social services in that case. Get the support of a SW to leave. Or have him leave.

You know this is child neglect at least, I'd argue abuse.

Monty27 · 04/04/2022 03:42

Absolutely talk to your GP.