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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship problems

55 replies

Smason13 · 03/04/2022 17:42

Does anyone ever feel like everything they do is wrong?
I don't seem to be able to say or do anything without my boyfriend being mean!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 18:28

@Sleepytimebear

It's OK if you don't feel ready to leave yet but is there anyone who you could talk to who might be able to give you some real support? A friend?
I don't really have anyone where I live as all of my friends are miles away! And I'm so worried that people will think I'm a failure
OP posts:
Motnight · 03/04/2022 18:30

@Smason13

Why would he want to make me feel so bad if he loved me?
Because he doesn't love you, Op.
Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 18:30

It is hard to hear 😢

OP posts:
Sleepytimebear · 03/04/2022 18:31

I don't really have anyone where I live as all of my friends are miles away! And I'm so worried that people will think I'm a failure

I totally get this, i felt the same. Ultimately though I wanted to be happy and I realised it doesn't matter what people think, they're wrong! Only you know what you have been through and that's all that matters.

Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 18:32

I play back all of the things he told me a out his Ex and how awful she was and now I just can't help but see why she left him

OP posts:
Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 18:33

I was so sure he would make me happy! I was so sure that the move I made was the best decision.. how could I have been so wrong

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 18:35

You need to make a plan to leave before this gets worse as this is a red flag and he is abusive. He is ignoring you, rude, does not listen when you talk, undermining you but yet is nice to everyone else. I was in a relationship like this but thank god did not live together as I did not want a man living with my son and I after been single for years. My whole life spun out of control until I did not know who I was and was a shadow of my self and my bubbly personality was just deflated. I felt isolated from everyone and he seemed to take over my whole life but yet was talking about me behind my back. A total narcissist sociopath. He love bombed me at the start to reel me in as was a friend I had known many years before as I had planned to stay single for many more years as had peace of mind. Please leave before you lose all sense of who you are. I wish I could turn back the clock and never got involved with him as they mess with your head so much. Those type of men portray this image to the world but they are emotionless unfeeling b*stards. I did not know anything about narcissism etc but mn taught me a lot, wish had known all this when I reconnected with that friend. This is abusive so leave for you and your child as he will break you down slowly and he will enjoy it. No one understands unless been in this situation so please take the advise from people on here as many been through it. You can start again and you tell people what he does as I said nothing to no one so these type of men tell everyone oh she is crazy etc etc Pack up your stuff and just go, he will apologize and try to get you back but then the emotional abuse will escalate. Ring Women's Aid and get advise and please do not feel ashamed as I felt awful shame afterwards and went through hell. Sending you hugs and put your child first.

Sleepytimebear · 03/04/2022 18:41

Please don't blame yourself. He targeted you because of your good qualities and pretended to be what you were looking for. Once he thought he had your commitment he changed. It isn't your fault, you just kept hoping he would be the person you fell for again. But you are waking up now to who he really is and that means you can leave him and be happy again.

Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 18:41

Thank you all for your help! My son actually lives with his Dad as I didn't want him to see his mum in this way! I had counselling because he told me I needed it! I got better and started a new job and every now and again he tells me I need to get more help!
I can see it when I talk to him that he hates me

OP posts:
Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 18:42

@Sleepytimebear

Please don't blame yourself. He targeted you because of your good qualities and pretended to be what you were looking for. Once he thought he had your commitment he changed. It isn't your fault, you just kept hoping he would be the person you fell for again. But you are waking up now to who he really is and that means you can leave him and be happy again.
I need this... thank you
OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 18:42

My ex said the same about his exes how they were all crazy, mad, drinkers etc I felt like he took over my life, driving me everywhere, collecting me from work and then once I stood up to him over something he set out to bring me down and made out he had to do everything for me. I was sooo stressed and could not take straight and did not realize what was going on just everything felt off in my gut. Open up to family and friends now as you can bet he is telling everyone stuff about you and trying to make out all sorts of things. Do not isolate yourself. No point trying to figure him out or wonder can he change, he won't as he thinks he is mr wonderful and he probably does not even like women or respect them. Take time out from relationships, look up boundaries/red flags/read up on narcissists/ it will all make sense to you then. You did not see this as you are most probably a kind person with empathy and these type of men look for kind vulnerable women. When you are stronger you will stop the red flags earlier on once you have read up on it but men like this also very good at putting on the charm early on. So sorry you are going through this as same as me I thought I would be with him for life as would not have gotten involved otherwise as was not looking for a relationship at all. Staying single forever as do not trust my judgement anymore but am alot older than you am guessing. You can do this, ring Women's Aid and tell them all what has been going on, they have years of experience and will help you to find a way through this.

LadyLolaRuben · 03/04/2022 18:43

Get out OP he's wearing you down. He'll break you

BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 18:45

You are not a failure but a strong woman for leaving this abuser and you can rebuild your life, if you stay he will tear you down completely. Hold your head high. Talk to your family and ask for help or women's aid can help you. You only have one life and peace of mind counts for so much and he will break you down so much that you won't know who you are.

Sleepytimebear · 03/04/2022 18:46

@BOOTS52 good advice. I have learnt so much since I left my ExH. Red flags from day 1!

Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 18:48

@BOOTS52

My ex said the same about his exes how they were all crazy, mad, drinkers etc I felt like he took over my life, driving me everywhere, collecting me from work and then once I stood up to him over something he set out to bring me down and made out he had to do everything for me. I was sooo stressed and could not take straight and did not realize what was going on just everything felt off in my gut. Open up to family and friends now as you can bet he is telling everyone stuff about you and trying to make out all sorts of things. Do not isolate yourself. No point trying to figure him out or wonder can he change, he won't as he thinks he is mr wonderful and he probably does not even like women or respect them. Take time out from relationships, look up boundaries/red flags/read up on narcissists/ it will all make sense to you then. You did not see this as you are most probably a kind person with empathy and these type of men look for kind vulnerable women. When you are stronger you will stop the red flags earlier on once you have read up on it but men like this also very good at putting on the charm early on. So sorry you are going through this as same as me I thought I would be with him for life as would not have gotten involved otherwise as was not looking for a relationship at all. Staying single forever as do not trust my judgement anymore but am alot older than you am guessing. You can do this, ring Women's Aid and tell them all what has been going on, they have years of experience and will help you to find a way through this.
Thank you so much! I am very caring and I think this is my downfall! I was ill back in November and he didn't help me out once! Not even for a drink or pain relief! I slept in a separate room and he didn't once check on me! And yet he was ill last week and I couldn't do enough.. I didn't even get a thank you! He did infact ask me why I was being off with him and that everything I say is to create an argument! I tried to defend myself but yet again he told me to give it a rest and wouldn't discuss it further
OP posts:
Annoy · 03/04/2022 19:09

Ffs you need to leave!… can you move in with your parents for a while?

11stonesomething · 03/04/2022 19:21

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 19:35

It just gets worse!
I made dinner and he sat down and the first thing he did was touch the broccoli and say its cold! I shouted him in 10 mins before he sat down. I asked if he was enjoying it and he said it was OK!! I told him to bin it and get a takeaway!
I left the table and went for a shower for him to stand in the kitchen running the tap! Maybe that part was unintentional

OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 19:38

Same with me was on antibiotics for a chest infection and really ill and he did not even ask how I was. It just inconvenienced him when I was ill as he was not the center of attention. My sister gave me good advise and said lots of men turn on you once you disagree with them. Has he ever just walked out and done the silent treatment and turned off his phone and not talked to you for days? also a red flag. I had never met anyone like this and it messes with your head and then when they feel you pulling away they will put on the charm again and be nice to reel you back in and then sometimes they act like they hate you. Is weird though the gut feeling never lies as when I first met this man in my 20's I did not like him and thought he was rude and got a weird gut feeling, should have listened to that. Also whenever we had sex it was like I had to wait for him to suggest it and the worst thing was once he just got out of bed afterwards and left the road and went down to watch tv and I just felt like he should have put money on the locker, felt awful no hugs or tenderness. I finished it so many times but looking back should have never went back to him. If you were to sit and write down all the things that were unacceptable in how he treated you then you would see your answer. Please do not feel shame and save yourself from years of torment and emotional abuse ahead. Just pack up and leave him and do not look back. He is giving you nothing but scraps and respect yourself more and do not even tell him why just go as you will never get closure or any answers from him. That is the hardest part as never realized how cruel some people can be. It is nothing you have done or could have done he is just as he is an abuser. Keep posting as great support and advise on here as many of us been where you are. xx

BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 19:41

Sleeptimebear, wish had known all this before as never had experienced anything like this but looking back had brothers and dad who treated women the same. Emotional abuse so hard to get a grasp on and people do not fully understand unless been through it. Hope you are ok xx

BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 19:43

not left the 'road' but left the 'room' ooops

Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 19:44

I am just so confused about everything!

OP posts:
Original poster
Smason13 · 03/04/2022 19:47

@BOOTS52

Same with me was on antibiotics for a chest infection and really ill and he did not even ask how I was. It just inconvenienced him when I was ill as he was not the center of attention. My sister gave me good advise and said lots of men turn on you once you disagree with them. Has he ever just walked out and done the silent treatment and turned off his phone and not talked to you for days? also a red flag. I had never met anyone like this and it messes with your head and then when they feel you pulling away they will put on the charm again and be nice to reel you back in and then sometimes they act like they hate you. Is weird though the gut feeling never lies as when I first met this man in my 20's I did not like him and thought he was rude and got a weird gut feeling, should have listened to that. Also whenever we had sex it was like I had to wait for him to suggest it and the worst thing was once he just got out of bed afterwards and left the road and went down to watch tv and I just felt like he should have put money on the locker, felt awful no hugs or tenderness. I finished it so many times but looking back should have never went back to him. If you were to sit and write down all the things that were unacceptable in how he treated you then you would see your answer. Please do not feel shame and save yourself from years of torment and emotional abuse ahead. Just pack up and leave him and do not look back. He is giving you nothing but scraps and respect yourself more and do not even tell him why just go as you will never get closure or any answers from him. That is the hardest part as never realized how cruel some people can be. It is nothing you have done or could have done he is just as he is an abuser. Keep posting as great support and advise on here as many of us been where you are. xx
The sex thing is a strange one for us as.we no longer have sex! It always used to be me pleaaing him and when I say he needed to please me he told me he didn't want to as I didn't enjoy it!!! So he even thinks he know how I feel!!! Anyway I no longer please him as I have no desire tonqant to do anything for him
OP posts:
BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 19:50

He is just trying to undermine you again with the cooking so you lose your confidence. I am a good cook and he would do the same, but if his sister made the exact same thing he would keep going on and on about how good it was. I will make you laugh my son and ex and myself were watching a football match and he kept putting down Ronaldo and my son just said 'don't be jealous' ha!!! he did not say anything. Good for you standing up for yourself but you cannot live like this walking on eggshells and always been on alert as it will put your anxiety through the roof. You are a strong woman and can leave or make plans to leave but do not let him know anything. Ring women's aid tomorrow for a chat, that is a start.

BOOTS52 · 03/04/2022 19:54

The sex side of things that is them controlling you yet again and my ex actually made me feel as if he was doing me a favour. They want you to feel undesired and to lose your confidence. So ask yourself this, what is he giving you, the only answer I can see is grief. Sorry didn't mean to take over thread just really touched a nerve with me as wish had someone back in the day to give me advise as felt like going crazy and lost all sense of who I was.