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Original poster

A question for any men on here…

32 replies

starmestaryou · 03/04/2022 10:18

If you were in a relationship and there has been no intimacy for at least a year, rarely do things as a couple and poor communication… would you leave, question it or do something else?

OP posts:
Iamnotmad · 03/04/2022 10:32

I think I would leave, as what you've described doesn't sound at all fulfilling.

ReadyforTakeOff · 03/04/2022 10:34

You need to understand the reason for it. It's very easy to say "leave" but you need to get to the heart of the issue and whether it can be resolved.

Also are kids involved which will obviously have an impact on your thinking process?

Casper001 · 03/04/2022 10:36

Would mainly depend on whether kids involved.

YRGAM · 03/04/2022 10:37

Depends on the situation. impossible to say without context. I would probably have raised the subject before a year has passed to see what the reason for it might have been.

Original poster
starmestaryou · 03/04/2022 10:39

So there is one child involved.

I’m the female in the relationship. I’ve just played along for a while for the sake of the child, I don’t like confrontation, etc but I just wondered from a male POV what you would do. As I’ve said previously communication is not our strong point but I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t question why things were so poor. I understand I can play my part here too but just wanted a make POV.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 03/04/2022 10:42

Well you're still there, you're not questioning it put loud, you're not addressing it. So why would he be any different?

Keepithidden · 03/04/2022 10:42

I was in this situation, about 10 years ago. I questioned it several times, but found no resolution. I've now been in this sham of a relationship for 10+ years, but cannot leave due to varying factors.

I have accepted it, but I'm not happy, healthy, or thriving.

Casper001 · 03/04/2022 10:43

The no intimacy wouldn't be for me if I'm honest but I would have addressed that. I assume your partner isn't that bothered?

Sounds like you need to speak to him?

Original poster
starmestaryou · 03/04/2022 10:51

@GreyCarpet totally agree, neither of us question it so how would we know how the other is feeling? We’ve had previous arguments about other things and he is like a stroppy teen, always with a smug answer so I tend not to bother when things annoy me… which has led me to the position I’m in now.

Various different things happening at the moment and feel like I am just done. Just wanted a male perspective. I appreciate the responses.

OP posts:
ReadyforTakeOff · 03/04/2022 10:57

Sounds like a lack of respect to me. I am in the same boat as me and my wife are very different characters which doesn't work. It's a marriage of convenience which isn't ideal but we are both happy with that.

You need to understand what's going on between his ears, though sounds like he isn't mature enough to let you know his thoughts.

Of course those thoughts may be hurtful for you so you need to be unemotional about it if possible.

Original poster
starmestaryou · 03/04/2022 11:13

@ReadyforTakeOff I always say actions speak louder than words and going by that I should have spoke up sooner and most likely left sooner. We’re both young enough we can start over. I don’t want to reach 40 and think is this really the life I chose for myself and my child.

We both just need to lay all our cards on the table and decide the next step. Life is too short.

He works with older men and I think they tell him things change after a baby so he assumes it’s ok. There’s a bit more to this, of course, but just wondered if most men would put up and shut up or speak out.

OP posts:
YRGAM · 03/04/2022 11:51

Just talk to him about it honestly. Today. Right now if you can

Palmfrond · 03/04/2022 13:33

It sounds like you are both bogged down/in a rut/depressed. I’d seek outside help asap, it might be salvageable!
People can go for years like that but it’s no way to live.
My male perspective is not going to be very different from a female perspective- it’s clear something is wron. Sometimes it’s from within, sometimes it’s the relationship, but important to find out sooner rather than later so you can both move forward, or at least you can move forward without being burdened by an unfulfilling and thus pointless partnership.

Anothernick · 03/04/2022 14:11

It really isn't normal for a man in his 30s not to seek intimacy. If I went much more than a week without coming on to my DW she'd be asking me what was wrong.

Woodsie54 · 03/04/2022 14:19

Leave there does not seem any point in continuing with this relationaship of sorts and if he is taking into consideration people that have no relevance there is no hope for the future.

You deseve very much better.

CordeliaBrideshead · 03/04/2022 14:30

Communication needs working at. You need to discuss this with him and be less passive about your life and future. You both deserve so much more. Take control of your life and stop drifting.

It's sad to read of others on this thread in bad relationships but staying because it's easier than moving on.

I stayed too long. Finally battled my way out. Discovered what being codependent was and began to work on that so I could have a healthy relationship in the future.

We all have two lives. The second begins when we realise we only have one.

Good luck 💪

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 03/04/2022 18:52

Depends how complex it is to untangle the marriage/relationship asset's.
No intimacy means no relationship for myself personally.

waterSpider · 03/04/2022 19:01

(male) definitely would be questioning why, i.e. talking about things. Would plan to leave if future prospects looked the same.

HulaTallulah · 03/04/2022 19:38

Try to get some counselling OP. I've never tried it, but it's worth doing all you can to make the relationship work. Being a single parent isn't easy. If you try all you can and still no improvement then you may be best leaving.

Original poster
starmestaryou · 03/04/2022 19:41

@HulaTallulah he wouldn’t even entertain counselling. I’ve thought about it before but the cost alone would make him say no.

OP posts:
HulaTallulah · 03/04/2022 20:16

@starmestaryou that's a shame. If he doesn't want to discuss with you or go to counselling then maybe not a lot you can do Flowers my ex was like this. I ended up a single parent and he's never had a serious relationship since, he's just not interested I dont think and won't make the effort.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 03/04/2022 22:39

That’s a complex question, if there had been no intimacy for a year, but everything else was fine, I would question why my wife / partner wasn’t interested in sex anymore.

But no / poor communication or not doing things as a couple would suggest (to me), that partner had checked out and relationship was over

Tuilpmouse · 03/04/2022 22:49

[quote starmestaryou]@HulaTallulah he wouldn’t even entertain counselling. I’ve thought about it before but the cost alone would make him say no.[/quote]
The cost of a divorce would be far, far greater though!

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 03/04/2022 22:51

You need to be prepared to leave if he is unwilling to address this. The sulks and snarky comments and refusal to engage with counselling sound very like my XH.

I first thought about ending my marriage about 3 years in, then more seriously 6/7 years in. I eventually left aged 40 after 13 years of marriage.

I wish so much that I'd left earlier...it's only now looking back I can see how little he really respected me and that he had no desire or inclination for us to build a life together as a team.

EBearhug · 03/04/2022 22:54

Going by my current dating experiences, they just sign up to Tinder without trying to fix anything...

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