How to find evidence of cheating.

pompomseverywhere · 2022-04-03T07:44:51+00:00

This is a tough one and I'm posting about a friend. Husband has left out of blue, everything was happy days (or so we all thought). Absolutely says there's no one else. As far as I can see it's the script. Blaming wife, spark has gone after 13 years. Doesn't think it will come back. My friend suspects him and a colleague. What could she do to get evidence or conclusive proof? So hard to leave a marriage and house on a hunch. Although obviously when the trust has gone the marriage is over anyway.

GreyCarpet · 03/04/2022 08:48

Given he's already left, surely it's over anyway?

AchillesPoirot · 03/04/2022 08:50

What is the point? He’s left and it’s over.

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 08:50

She isn't leaving a marriage?

Tbh, I think these threads are really risky. You absolutely could be telling the truth.

Or you could be a controlling abuser looking tips on how to stalk, control and further abuse your own partner.

He has left her. She is unlikey to ever get definitive proof, unless he admits it.

Original poster

pompomseverywhere · 03/04/2022 08:53

Ha yes I see I could've a crazy bastard but I've got a full posting history if you want to search me.

When I said 'left' I mean he's gone to have a break to see if he feels better about things. Nothing is settled one way or the other. He's left her hanging on waiting.

If she had evidence the agonising wait would be over.

OP posts:

Joy247 · 03/04/2022 08:54

agree with the PPs.

Look for tips on acceptance.

It's over, he's left.

That must be really really painful and shocking. Validate her feelings of shock and pain.

If she doesn't have to rail against others' lack of validation she will be able to process her feelings quicker. And then put it behind her, in time.

Original poster

pompomseverywhere · 03/04/2022 08:54

Typo:

*could be a crazy

OP posts:

Joy247 · 03/04/2022 08:57

@pompomseverywhere

Ha yes I see I could've a crazy bastard but I've got a full posting history if you want to search me.

When I said 'left' I mean he's gone to have a break to see if he feels better about things. Nothing is settled one way or the other. He's left her hanging on waiting.

If she had evidence the agonising wait would be over.

That's awful for your friend. He's gone off to consider his options?

Leaving her in limbo awaiting his decision.

I think citing a lack of spark is a bit disappointing from a husband in a long marriage.

If the spark has gone did he ever do much to keep it alive?
Did he value her and cherish her and treat her like he valued her?

Or did he take her for granted for years and then tell her that the spark was gone.

In her shoes I would serve him a bit of indifference back.

Tell him, ''yes, we do need time apart, this ''lack of a spark'' announcement is very disappointing. I have not felt valued or seen by you for a long time and that's not the kind of connection I want out of a marriage''.

Neongoddess · 03/04/2022 08:58

@pompomseverywhere

Ha yes I see I could've a crazy bastard but I've got a full posting history if you want to search me.

When I said 'left' I mean he's gone to have a break to see if he feels better about things. Nothing is settled one way or the other. He's left her hanging on waiting.

If she had evidence the agonising wait would be over.

That's fine, but other people tend these threads too.

You are basically asking 'how can she stalk and stay on the right side of the law'. That's why I think they are risky.

Loads of people say 'I need to know, so I can walk away'. But very often knowing doesn't make them feel better. And quite often they forgive the cheater.

Honestly, I would try and encourage her to just accept that she may never know. She knows he doesn't eat to be with her she need to make a decision fro herself and start there.

Laptopsandmouses · 03/04/2022 09:00

He’s already left her. She can’t leave what doesn’t exist.

SheWoreYellow · 03/04/2022 09:00

If he’s going to leave her like this while he decides what he’s doing, then she should tell him it’s over anyway.

Joy247 · 03/04/2022 09:07

PS, so she will only feel 'entitled' to end the marriage if he cheated while he simultaneously feels entitled to consider ending the marriage because ''the spark has gone''

That's a big disparity in their final lines isn't it.

She is investing a lot in to a marriage that he will not invest as much in to. For him it could be over because the spark is gone.

Try and convince her that his holding her and her alone responsible for a diminishing spark over a long marriage is really unreasonable. that would anger me and turn me right off him (in the context of there genuinely being no serious issues)

If it's a communication issue, he knew that and his wife did not. So what did he do to try and fix the issues that he knew existed but she did not know existed.

Did he try and open up the communication, initiate connections? Did he make her feel valued? Did he let her know how he would like to be valued?

Or did he just feel entitled to hold all the cards and blame her for his having taken her for granted, and stroll off to consider his options safe in the knowledge that while he would be willing to end the marriage because of a lack of spark, his wife would need something concrete like proof of his cheating to feel entitled to end the marriage.

So that being the case, he holds all the cards, Nice for him.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 03/04/2022 09:08

@SheWoreYellow

If he’s going to leave her like this while he decides what he’s doing, then she should tell him it’s over anyway.

This ^ is a classic for cheaters.

They want to try on the 'new' relationship for size while keeping a stake in the 'old' one.

Tell your friend to pull on her big girl pants and see a solicitor.

She needs to get some self-respect and get mad.

PurrBox · 03/04/2022 09:10

I think it is completely natural to want to know what the hell has been going on in your own life.

It is not easy to 'move on'. It takes time and a lot of anguish for most people. The feeling of not knowing, of living a life based on lies and deception, makes you feel like you are constantly, and shockingly, running into a brick wall.
Figuring out what has happened and continues to happen can help with the process of accepting and taking the next step.

Joy247 · 03/04/2022 09:12

Agree this is v likely. He wants the freedom to wander off for a while but he's not certain enough yet to categorically have the courage to say this is definitely over. It's so selfish. The script seems to be predictable. I'm going to see how this new thing goes, I want absolute freedom to give my new relationship a test run, but I want the old relationship waiting for me as a plan b. She'll beg me to pick her., so i have that option thankfully, can't lose.

Original poster

pompomseverywhere · 03/04/2022 09:13

Yes you are all right and some good perspectives here.

Her response and my own are very different. He'd be gone if it was me and his stuff would be packed waiting for him. She's a very different person. She loves him. She adores him. The marriage has been full and healthy in ALL areas. It's a total shock.

It's not a shock for him of course. He said he's felt like this for months and months but never said a word to her. He gave her no chance to talk or tweak things in their relationship. He gave no chance for therapy. She was kept in the dark whilst he felt like this.

OP posts:

Tooclosetothewind · 03/04/2022 09:13

I think a lot of people will want evidence of an affair as that’s the final straw? So if the partner who left comes back, says he’s made a mistake and wasn’t in a good place mentally, if there is no evidence of cheating the spouse would take them back? Whereas, if there is evidence of an affair, they will know for sure and won’t take them back?

I don’t know, I guess many people wouldn’t know what to do unless they have been in that position?

SophieSoSo · 03/04/2022 09:17

Can she afford a private detective? That’s the only way she will get her answers.

I would absolutely want to know too, and i would go after him hard in a divorce. He is more likely to be generous in his financial offers if he is feeling guilty too, although that doesn’t usually last long so she will need to strike while the iron is hot.

Joy247 · 03/04/2022 09:17

Encourage her to put words to how she feels right now so that she doesn't push it under a rug later when it didn't work out with the 27 year old temp.

sorry that's cynical.

But ask her to label her feelings, ''so you feel the option was taken from you to improve things? How does that make you feel?

And then mirror that back to her to validate her own knowledge that this isn't good enough.

Duped.
Kept in the dark.
Taken for granted
Like a plan B.
Disempowered.

et cetera

Original poster

pompomseverywhere · 03/04/2022 09:17

@Tooclosetothewind

I think a lot of people will want evidence of an affair as that’s the final straw? So if the partner who left comes back, says he’s made a mistake and wasn’t in a good place mentally, if there is no evidence of cheating the spouse would take them back? Whereas, if there is evidence of an affair, they will know for sure and won’t take them back?

I don’t know, I guess many people wouldn’t know what to do unless they have been in that position?

Yes that sums it up

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girlmom21 · 03/04/2022 09:23

If he goes and comes back there's as much chance that the OW doesn't want him as there is that he actually wants to be in the marriage.

I couldn't take someone back who left and refused to tell me why. I'd constantly be on eggshells wondering when they were going again. I'd be making savings pots and plans for what I need to do when he left again.

It doesn't matter if he's cheating. She no longer trusts him and he no longer respects her. What kind of marriage is that?

Suzi9989 · 03/04/2022 09:28

I suggest you support your friend by just being there. Move on. Stop the detectives work. If she can not even get honesty out of her 13yr marriage, why bother?

BlancheB · 03/04/2022 09:41

It's not a shock for him of course. He said he's felt like this for months and months but never said a word to her. He gave her no chance to talk or tweak things in their relationship. He gave no chance for therapy. She was kept in the dark whilst he felt like this.

It's a pity your friend can't find her anger about this. Agree with PP, there's no point in looking for evidence of an affair. He's gone, I'd bet there was someone else and he's keeping his hand in so to speak in case it doesn't work out.

Hollywolly1 · 03/04/2022 09:55

Your friend will realise in a few weeks she was married to a sneaky snake and good riddance she may love him but he clearly doesn't love her in fact he doesn't even like her so that should be enough to just get away from him.
It really doesn't make a difference if their is or isn't another woman she needs to make an independent decision now.He can't be trusted now he's gone away to find himself or whatever he's gone to do.I am sure your friend will be ok with your support but she will have to realise she deserves so much better

LemonTT · 03/04/2022 10:07

There’s no need to turn your life into a soap opera. There are some people who will encourage her to do just that so they can sit back and watch.

He doesn’t want to be with her. He has demonstrated that by leaving her. Accepting that it is over and moving is the next step in her life. She can never bring him back.

Otherwise she will be stuck in a toxic dynamic that might never end.

Eightiesfan · 03/04/2022 12:45

If my DP I’d this and I even half thought he was having an affair I would not hesitate to get a private detective on board. He might be going through a difficult time or he’s cheating, but I would want to know for certain, if he is with OW then he’s with her now and you will have your answer within a week.